Kate's Corner

We couldn't resist this face! So here we are with our second pup (yes we are crazy) our 4 month old lab mix...Holly. We adopted her through a local rescue Paws and Prayers...She is SOOOO stinkin' sweet. Sawyer and Holly seem to be getting along pretty well.

Sorry about my grumpy christmas post. Feeling better today! :-)

Are the holidays over yet? I am already dying a slow painful death! Christmas is ridiculous! Yesterday, while getting my hair cut, a conversation with the guy washing my hair when something like this? Him: Are you ready for Christmas? Me: Yeah (Blah, blah, blah, Why even bother?) him: What are you doing for Christmas? Me: I have to work, so we are keeping it low key Him: My wife works at a nursing home, I understand me: I work at a hospital, so I know how that goes. Him: Well hopefully you work on a happy floor like maternity me: (are you freaking kidding me!) Well, maternity isn't always a happy floor Well...that shut him up. But as we all know, all too well, maternity isn't always a happy floor. The holidays aren't always a happy time...especially for those who have suffered a great loss. People are oblivious! Hell...I am sure at some point I was oblivious too. Last year in my happy preggo state, Christmas day was pretty fantastically happy for me as well. But guess what,...

I will never forget these precious words written across the bottom of our u/s last year, December 17 2008. One year ago today we were at the doctor finding out the sex of the baby, and it was Tim's birthday! So we were super excited. We weren't 100% for sure if we were going to find out, but I thought...what a great birthday present, right? It's a girl! We were beaming! The u/s tech typed on the bottom Happy Birthday Daddy. It seemed official...we were parents to this little creature, growing inside of my ever so growing belly. We told everyone we couldn't tell the sex, we wanted to surprise everyone on Christmas (no one thought I could hold such a secret!). So we bought chocolate it's a girl candy cigars wrapped in pink foil. We made the big announcement wrapping them ever so carefully for the family to open together. Those were special moments I will cherish and hold close to my heart forever. This year, things are not as we hoped or dreamed. But I am going to mak...

It's amazing how a sweet little girl, merely 24 weeks gestation stole my heart. It's amazing how much love I have for a daughter who I haven't held, touched, seen, or smelled her sweet skin for almost a year. It's amazing my love for her will never fade, never wither, or never grow old. I will always remember the way you felt in my arms, your tiny body warm and close to mine.I will always remember your beautiful tiny features, a perfect mix between a mother and father. I will always love you my sweet Zoelle. I am thankful for you, and although I know you aren't with me here on Earth, I know I will see you and hold you again. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you, love you and miss you. You are our sweet daugther, and I will never forget you. I am a mother, to you. As your 1st birthday approaches, by heart is heavy. I promise to honor you and celebrate you. Hopefully one day, you will have a brother or sister, and I promise to tell them the s...

I feel like a hen who just laid over 2 dozen eggs! 28 eggs to be exact, we retrieved on Thursday. Today we got the news that 21 out of the 28 fertilized, 14 were frozen and 7 are still growing! I am so relieved to know I WILL NEVER have to take follistm again! Whew! So how am I feeling? Well, for the most part the cycle went without problems. My estrogen level stayed well controlled and my ovaries, although large and in-charge from my multiple follicles, were hanging in there. However, the day before my retrieval my estrogen took on a mind of it's own and reached almost 6000! Really high. It almost tripled in one day (I am thinking mainly from my trigger shot to ovulate). As of now, I am in a significant amount of pain, my stomach is huge and I am experiencing a good amount of nausea. The vicodin takes the edge off, but I am really uncomfortable. As for a transfer, well, it's up in the air. We may transfer soon, we may wait until I am feeling better. Honestly, I am thinking the...

I am having a very sad day ( I am sure all of the hormones I am taking aren't helping). Sometimes I can't believe how my life has turned out. Of course I am thankful for Tim, my family and friends...but I am left with something missing...my daughter. It's hard to even believe that I am still not pregnant. Since the day Zoe died, I knew part of my healing would be getting pregnant again. My hope for that is dwindling fast. As we come upon this IVF cycle, I know that we are not planning to transfer for at least 2 more months. I hyper stimulate to the point of danger, and it seems pointless to get pregnant and put my life in danger. So right now, we are looking at least February until a possible transfer. I can't believe that I am coming upon Zoe's year anniversary, and we are no closer to being pregnant then we were months and months ago. I really feel like being pregnant over the holidays would have softened the blow of all of the things going on around me. I am not...

There comes a point when certain people cause pain, even when they haven't a clue...they still manage to inflict pain on my suffering, bleeding heart. So, I am stepping back, deleting people from facebook, and accepting things in my life for face value. And you know what? It's okay. Right now, going to my in-laws is very painful for me. My water ruptured on Christmas when we we visiting my in-laws. It's difficult to go there, to drive there, to breath in the air and not feel as though my heart is bursting into a million pieces. It's amazingly painful not having Zoe here, alive and well. I can't believe she has been gone for almost a year, and we are no closer to being pregnant now then we were 6 months ago. I hate that about myself. I hate that I can't get pregnant...and further more I hate other people for getting pregnant without any problems. I hate that piece of shit women out there do drugs, drink and smoke while they are pregnant. I hate so much about our ...

Tim and I have written an email to the family regarding how difficult Christmas is going to be this year (in response to an email about what we want for Christmas and our plans). Tim also wrote on the family blog that we are having a difficult time with the holidays and will not be celebrating this year. Guess how many people responded? ZERO! People kept writing posts about what gifts they want as if Tim never said a word. I sit her with tears streaming down my face wondering if things will ever be the same? I am deeply hurt. Is it too much to ask for at least a simple acknowledgement that on Christmas last year my water ruptured at 22 weeks and I was on bed rest through new years almost 3 hours away from our home. Only to delivery our daughter on 1-4-09 and watch her slip way? Why are we the bad guys? Why the hell will not one person acknowledge our pain in this family? What does it take?

I am surrounded by friends, family and strangers who are pregnant. I stand alone as the freak non pregnant girl seemingly making those around me uncomfortable. Hell, I didn't even get invited to my SIL baby shower. Really? Are you kidding me? I have NEVER implied that I didn't want to go. Guess what...I am not CONTAGIOUS! You won't catch preterm labor like the swine flu or some nasty virus. My life feels dark and empty right now. I fear I am alone...but sadly I am not. I am friends with grief, suffering, depression and pain. We are old friends and they know me well.

This morning I was watching The Daily Show and a very interesting guest was on last night. Barbara Ehrenreich, a seven year cancer survivor recently published the book Bright Sided; How the relentless promotion of positive thinking has undermined America . Ehrenreich notes that during time receiving chemo and radiation, people would spoon feed her positive mantras. "Be positive, it's okay, BE POSITIVE." It got me thinking...do people say these things becuase they don't know what to say, or do people simply not want to deal with others problems? If we ignore the pain others endure, then we don't have to deal with it. Right? Anyone who has gone through a tragic event quickly learns people have no idea what to say. And although I think people mean well, it is much easier to ignore the pain and heartache others suffer by candy coating the situation with cliche statements like "It will all work out, don't lose hope, be positive, it's all in Gods plan or yo...

Zoe, tonight I light your candle along with 50 others to remember you and many other babies who have touched our lives. You are forever missed. Daddy played your song. I love you my sweet, sweet little butterfly.

These past couple of weeks have been overwhelmingly frustrating. My cycle was canceled...when they decreased my follistm dose my follicles stopped growing and my estrogen dropped 1000 in 2 days! I was so disappointed. I truly felt I was caught in the middle of two doctors...one who wanted to see me everyday...yet wasn't there everyday and the other who saw me when my doc wasn't there. The "fill in" doc didn't want to see me everyday and didn't want to decrease my dose. Low and behold...he was right...but a little to late. Sometimes being over zealous with caution leads to...well...a whole lot of nothing in my case. By Friday I was down to 7 follicles and my estrogen was only 800. What a bust. The embryologist felt it was not a good idea to retrieve becuase of the chance of poor quality eggs...after all, my estrogen level took a nose dive south of the border. So what now...more waiting. I can't even try this again until December. Are you freaking kidding me...

October 15th is a day to remember our sweet babies who have come and gone all too soon. I have been wanting to do something for all of the baby momma's who have supported me so dearly for sometime now, but nothing has seem to come to me. In honor of all of our babies I would like to light a candle for each baby on October 15th. If you would like me to light a candle for you, or someone you know...please send me an email with the babies name and birthday and I will with love honor your sweet baby. Please feel free to contact me if you would like me to add your name. Bree- Ella March 15,2009 Courtney- Brody & Logan January 31, 2009 Andrea- Tenley Jayne December 29, 2008 Cindy- Brad, James, Jeff and Mindy Erica- Angel March 15, 2008 Holly- Gregory September 12, 2008 Brenna- Paul, Joey, Adam September 25, 2008 Nan & Mike- Shelby, Megan & Lynne March 6, 2009 Birni- Ciaran September 30, 2008 April- Jeremiah October 2005, Peace December 23,2006, Hope April 8, 2007, Sky Octobe...

Well...my follicles are getting close...so it looks like I will trigger tomorrow or Wednesday for either a Thursday or Friday retrieval. My estrogen level was 2000 yesterday (WHOA!!!!) so depending on what it is today, my nurse is going to call me to possibly decrease the dose by half (down to 75 units daily). I am feeling extremely tender at the moment...I definitely know my ovaries are there. We talked about transfer dates today...we are thinking December 17th, Tim's Birthday. Last year on his birthday we had the greatest u/s ever and found out our little jelly bean was a girl. I told Tim we could do it the week before or week after if he wanted. I guess we will see. A part of me thinks it would be really special to share that day again with our future baby/babies...Zoelle would be happy, I am sure. I have been tearful all day...my mind was so focused on transferring next week...I feel like I ran into a brick wall that I didn't even see. And it hurts, Dammit! Today is sad. I ...

Well, once again here we are with my freak ovaries doing exactly what we all expected them to do...going nuts! I am on a super low dose of follistm and the lupron protocol which should help negate and ward off the evil ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome...but no. My ovaries have so many follicles today...he didn't even bother counting. I have at least 30...but I am sure a few more. Right now, my biggest follicles are 14mm in size. The doctor this morning was quite dramatic and honestly very annoying! (not my normal doc) He was making this big production about how terribly "off the hook" my ovaries are. He made the comment "when I see ovaries like this, I get scared." Meaning; you are going to hyperstimulate...and it could be severe enough to end up in the hospital! Right now I want to scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Okay...so what is the plan? 1) They want to see me everyday this week! Overkill...I think so...but whatever! 2) Retrieval will most likely be this weekend 3...

I have been on facebook this week...mainly to torture myself with cute pictures of happy mommies and little babies the same age as Zoe. I need to find a facebook anonymous meeting... "my name is Kate and I am addicted to the infliction of self torture via scanning through pictures on facebook of babies and baby bellies." sigh... maybe I should crawl back into my dark whole where we once spoke face to face with our friends. Facebook to me a facade of happiness. Happy little pictures with cute little updates of daily ramblings. I pretend to be no such thing...my life has it's up's...but most certainly it has it's downs. But here's the thing...NO ONE gives a shit about your "downs." No one wants to hear the uncomfortable true response to "how are you?." "Oh..I am stressed out grieving mother who is hormonal as hell and really wants to bite someone's head off!" Yes, this could be the hormones talking...I mean...it's not like ...

So it feels very official now. We had our IVF meeting, our trial transfer to map out my uterus for the real thing (that's funny to me), and all of our lab work. All of my meds are ready to go as well. Yesterday Dr. Gloom and Doom hinted at the fact he thinks it may be best to transfer one...obviously depending on what our embryo's look like. The goal is to transfer at day 5, the blast stage. The key is...will our embyo's survive that long outside of me? If it looks like that is not the case, they will transfer at day 3...which is still perfectly acceptable. After much consideration, I do believe we still would like to transfer 2 embyro's. Transferring one cuts our odds in half. Obviously the goal is a healthy full term baby/babies...but I am not confident transferring only one is the way to go. sigh ...I don't know. I think we will have a better idea once the embryo's are growing. So here's what we have in store for the next month: Zithromax (z-pack) : A ant...

Well..last night we had the group meeting with the Embryologist. Talk about an amazing job! I can't even imagine caring for someone's embryo...holding their dreams, their DNA, their future babies. I am so thankful for this technology and the people who make it happen. As we walked into the meeting I quickly scanned the room carefully with my eyes...not only to find a seat...but to scope out the other future IVF'ers in the room. To my surprise I knew a few people in the room...strange how that works. My biggest fear going through the whole IVF process is hyperstimulation. I pray that my ovaries will behave enough to get the eggs we need yet not get overly zealous! My second fear...NOT getting pregnant the first cycle. I hope I am not setting myself up for disappointment...but I really want this to work the first time around. We are so tight financially as it is...working the first round would be fabulous. However...if we can freeze some embyro's I think I will feel a lit...

Of course...nothing seems to go totally smooth around here. So I take my last active pill today before starting my next pack of active pills and I started spotting yesterday. I am going to call the nurse today...I hope this isn't a bad sign. Ehh...I am sure it is just my body fighting all this hormones, but none-the-less...it makes me nervous. Has anyone else had this problem with the pill? Update: I spoke with the nurse this morning and she said it was perfectly normal to have some spotting and to continue taking my birth control pill. The spotting also stopped. yay! So relieved!

I found this picture on our computer today. Tim and I went to Niagara Falls (like 6 years ago) and while we were there we went to a butterfly conservatory. The first thing I thought of when I saw this picture was Zoe, my little butterfly. I read this at her service... Zoe is my butterfly, bringing the gift of transformation and joy. I have been transformed into a mother, her mother. If I knew a year ago what I know now, I would do it all over to hold her in my arms. Butterflies awaken a sense of joy in our lives and remind us to dance. Like the butterfly, Zoe brought color and joy with her. Her personality was cheerful and innocent. She reminded us that change and transformation in our life is inevitable but growth and change can occur gently and sweetly. My sweet baby...I love you and miss you with each breath I breathe.

As we all know...infertility does not lend itself to accidentally BFP. Actually...nothing is an accident these days...we have quite a schedule full of meds, lab work, appointments and u/s. So here's the plan: Continue with BC August 19th -IVF information meeting August 24th - lab work for Tim and I, plus a trial transfer, and I believe start lupron injections September 4th - Follistim injections September 14th - tentative egg retrieval September 19th - transfer October 3rd - pregnancy test!!! Of course I am scared, nervous and apprehensive....however, despite all of those feelings I am trying to put forth all of the positive energy I can. We have shared this journey with family and a few close friends...and everyone has been so supportive. I am not for sure if people understand how extensive this really is...but I will take thier support reguardless. Overall, we have only recieved one strange comment...refering to this whole thing as a test tube baby. Really? What is this...1980. B...

Our pup is growing up fast! He is super cute, funny, loving and quite the ham. Now...he is no angel for sure...but over all is has been really good. Holy cow puppies are a lot of work!!!!! We love going to the dog park...it has really been our saving grace. He expels much of his crazy puppy energy there...at least enough to catch a nap. Now we just need to teach him to understand....let's sleep in today! haha

Does anyone else find irony in taking birth control before IVF? It's a strange concept for those traveling down this infertility road. I have to admit...although I am really anxious about the upcoming IVF cycle...I am so excited about the prospect of being pregnant. I am hopeful and optimistic. I really think it will work. I LOVE our RE and he thinks there is a really excellent chance we will get pregnant. (secretly, I would love twins) but no matter what...a healthy baby is what we truly desire. I have a feeling our retrieval will be the end of September! So very exciting!!! We are going to the IVF class August 17th, and then shortly after that we sign our consent. That's when they kindly ask you to show me the money!

Thank everyone for all of you comments and support regarding our upcoming IVF journey. Thank you so much!! This week I have felt completely introverted, drained and overwhelmed. My thoughts are unclear and I am desperately wishing for some clarity or insight. crystal ball, anyone? anyone? Tim had a dream last week that we had twin girls. Twins, singleton, boy, girl or any combo will be fine by me...my wish is a healthy pregnancy and full term baby/babies. Work seems to be consuming all of my energy lately. Unfortunately I had an OB patient the other night at work. sigh. Of course. I hate that I am jealous of those with their cute babies and growing bellies. I am trying to be understanding and patient but the universe has a way of slapping me in the face! I am not ready for the holidays this year. I am not ready to see my SIL baby who's due date is the day before Tim's birthday. Last year on Tim's birthday we found out Zoe was a little girl...and it was our own little secr...

I have a million emotions whirling through my body right now. My cycle has been canceled...my follicles are just not doing what they should. I have have some growth....but the problem is, I have numerous other follicles starting to grow as well. Dr. Gloom wants us to consider moving to IVF...it will be so much safer and more controlled. I can't even begin to express how overwhelmed I feel right now. IVF seems like an uphill battle on so many levels...financially, emotionally, physically. But we have decided that in the end it's just money.... We spend money of cars, houses, yards, food, clothes...why not spend money to have a family? sigh I feel a slight hue of relief this morning knowing we can relax and not worry as intently on the possibility of hyperstimulation and high order pregnancy. However, today I feel like I am mourning my fertility. I know she has been gone for some time, but this seems to take it to a whole new level. To my future babies...my two little hopefuls......

Have you ever felt too impatient for all of this nonsense! I am ready to be pregnant...like, yesterday. I ask myself, what would it be like to get pregnant...without all of the injections, invasive u/s, blood draws and worries? Can you imagine ? What gets me through it all is who I have met along the way on this journey. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, a light were hope penetrates through my broken heart. That light would be friendship, support and kindness from my friends and family. I am so immensely thankful for the people in my life I have met on this journey. A wonderful blogger friend of mine, Courtney so kindly and graciously gave me 3 vials of follistim! THREE VIALS...and even met me half way between Michigan and Ohio yesterday to give them to me. I had a wonderful time eating lunch and talking about our babies. It's so nice to get to freely and openly talk about our children, and not feel concerned about what the person on the other end of the conversation ma...

Well...not much happening in ovary land, so we are increasing my dose to 125 units/day. No reason to get overly zealous with my dose right now, so 125 it is. I guess we will see if any progress has been made on Tuesday. Fingers crossed! Last year it took 14 days of injections before my follicles were ready to go. I have a feeling we are on the same path. But...that's okay.

Today I am participating in Walking With You - Naming Our Babies. I love hearing stories about how people chose names! Zoelle's Name: Ever since I was a little girl I remember telling my Grandma I would name my own little girl after her...Hazel. My grandma holds a very special place in my heart and I love her dearly. A women of faith, my grandma has taught me to believe in God, angels and spirits. Growing up my family always talked about angels and those who have passed away. When Zoelle died, my great grandma's spirit and presence filled the room (grandma hazel's mom). I knew in my heart that she was holding my sweet daughter....it was comforting to know she was with us, and Zoe was safe. I told my grandma about this the day of Zoe's memorial service and she smiled and tears trickled down her face. She said "mom always did love babies...and most certainly she loves yours." As for the name Zoelle...good college friends of ours named their daughter Daphne Zoel...

I read a thought provoking post this morning written by Kayla regarding a book called Dear Parents- Letters to Beavered Parents from Beavered Parents. Here is a short excerpt from the book; (thanks for the great book suggestion!) "I weary of hearing how brave I am. I weary of people saying 'I don't think I could go through what you've been through.' I'm no stronger nor weaker than they. We all do what we have to do when we don't have any choice. Sure, I act normal. Sure, I smile and crack a joke. That's not brave.......that's survival. They don't see me at night."-Sandy How many times have I heard the words "you are so strong...I could never go through what you have gone through." I understand these words come from a "good" place and I truly believe most people do mean well. However, I am human and although I look like I am "doing so well" my pain is real. In all reality, what choice do we as beavered parents t...

Well...I am on day three of my stimulation drugs, and I am still alive! I guess that is good, right? My right ovary is a bit crampy today, but I am not going to fret about it just yet. My first u/s is wednesday then every other day from there. Life is still very much surreal this time around. It's completely hard to believe that we are doing this again...but we are, and I am trying to stay positive and optimistic. Optimistic isn't a familiar concept for me....but I do try. Tim and I are celebrating our 4 year anniversary on Thursday! It really has flown by. I am the luckiest woman in the world...my husband is loving, kind, compassionate, artist, intelligent, funny...and most certainly crazy for loving me! I am glad he "gets me" and all my weird ways. I am sure he would say the same about me...he is a bit strange himself! :-)

Well...AF finally arrived yesterday afternoon! It couldn't have come faster...seriously! I had my baseline u/s today but unfortunately my regular doc is on vacation. Bummer...so I saw Dr. M. Overall, the appointment went fairly well...we talked about the fact that ovulation last month was sketchy at best, and to be followed up by a period MIA it seems like the drug was a bust for me. I really wish I could have seen Dr. Gloom and Doom...I have been seeing him forever and we have such a good rapport I truly value his opinion. I wonder if he would have wanted me to start the injections or try one more month of the follisitm. Anyway...so we are going to start injections this week, tomorrow actually, with the philosophy of starting the dose low and go slow. I am nervous for sure...I really don't want to hyperstim like last time....please god! But we have concluded that we would cancel the cycle if things are looking that way. Timing is interesting for sure. Last summer when I becam...

This past week has been difficult for me. The 4th of July marked 6 months since Zoe's death. When do we stop counting the months? I am not for sure if it is healthy or a simply a part of the healing process. Either way, I am still counting. I haven't seen any of my friends in weeks...I can't even remember the last time to be honest. I know I am depressed....I stopped taking my zoloft (the infamous mistake)! I feel a bit damned if you do damned if you don't. I truly wish I could do more for Zoe....I wish I could be of more support to others who are grieving. I feel a little lost in my thoughts. I think I may need to make a trip to see my counsler. Although, counsling isn't what I need or want....but I guess I don't get what I want...at least not in this care. Still no period. One more day of my provera....I guess I will just continue to wait. More waiting...wait for my period, wait for my follicle, wait for my egg....wait for my BFP...and hopefully one day...wait...

I took my pregnancy test again this morning...BFN. Not for sure what to say about that. I called the RE's office and left a message with the Nurse, hopefully she calls me back soon! The fact I have not started my period I feel like I am left in limbo. Very annoying. Yesterday was a pretty sad day for me. Grief is an uphill battle, and it seems to be a battle I struggle with day by day...and even hour by hour at times. I think my negative test stirred up some sad feelings which made me face how much I am truly longing for Zoe. Sometimes I just want this to be over...I wish I could get pregnant, have a healthy pregnancy and bring our little one home. Sounds easy, right? It's sad really, how many people take such a wonderful gift for granted. I mean really...how amazing is the gift of life ? I find myself grieving for Zoe but also grieving for the loss of my fertility. Infertility is relentless. Once again, I am in the minority...a select group of women who know the woes and frust...

Under the Tree, June edition. It's been fun reading about everyone! Hair Color: Blond e Eye color: Blue Profession: ICU Registered Nurse Relationship status: Married My Favorites: Favorite color: Pink!! Favorite movie: The breakfast club Favorite animal: I am growing quite fond of our Siberian Husky! Favorite store: Walmart (my guilty pleasure!) Favorite childhood memory: Rolling down hills at Kingwood Center with my awesome sister Emily Favorite hobby: gardening, scrapbooking Favorite song/singer: John Mayer Favorite book/author: Hmmm...not sure Favorite school subject: Writing Favorite vacation destination: Well, only ever traveled in USA, but I love going to the Ocean! Favorite food: I love breakfast food! Chocolate chip pancakes, waffles, cheesy grits! Favorite restaurant: Wally Waffle! This or That Coke or pepsi : Coke Beer or wine: Both Coffee or tea: Coffee Apple Juice or O.J.: OJ with pulp! Summer or Winter: Fall :-) I am such a libra! Cats or dogs: Both Salty or sweet: s...

Well ladies...I got a BFN this morning, and although I am upset, I feel more stumped then anything. My period has still not shown up! I ovulated the 11th and 12th (maybe as late as the 13th) so I am not for sure why I haven't started my period or gotten a positive pregnancy test today. I guess there is that very tiny chance it was a dud test...or maybe it is sitll too early (don't think so). I am praying something isn't wrong...I would rather not add anyting on to my reproductive woes. I thought it would be fun to get the digital test that say's pregnant...maybe it was the test. Maybe my hcg level is still too low to detect with the digital. Or maybe it's right....I am just "not pregnant." I am going to call the office tomorrow to see what they think! Ehh...so frustrating.

I just wanted to let everyone know I am not going to take my test tomorrow. Tim went to PA today and will be back tomorrow evening. So, I want to take it when he is here, so I plan to test Sunday. So far...no period and I am 11 dpo!! I hope that is a good sign. I had really contemplated going with Tim this weekend, but for so many reasons it just wasn't the best idea. First and foremost, Sawyer is still recovering from his little intestinal parasite and is finishing his antibiotics. We didn't think it would be the best idea to have him travel for 2 1/2 hours one way and try to manage his puppy potty business in a new place. Not to mention, I am sure the in laws would love puppy diarrhea in the yard during the graduation party! Nothing like little gifts of love! :-) My mom is coming to hang out with me tomorrow. My mom is the most incredible person in the world! (I am sure you are reading this Mom...I love you!) Thankfully my mom is the optimist of the family and keeps us chuggi...

My blogger friend Lea took this beautiful picture in memory of Zoe with wings give to her in memory of her sweet son Nicholas. Simply beautiful. So many of my blogger friends have been amazingly thoughtful. I love all of you! Thank so so much for the beautiful wings, Lea. You are truly wonderful!!

I wrote this poem the day we arrived home from Erie, pa where I delivered Zoe. We were actually visiting my in laws about 2 1/2 hours from here when my water ruptured on Christmas night at only 22 weeks. We were miles from home, completely scared and devastated by what was about to occur. I have tried several times to write down the story...but words cannot express my feelings. I remember the day I wrote this clearly. We picked up Zoe's urn and drove home...a very long, painful drive home to Ohio. I spoke with the minister at the Church on the drive home, she was so very sweet to us. We planned to get together to discuss Zoe's memorial service. That night I wrote her poem...I read it for her at her memorial service. Tim wrote a song for her, Zoe's lullaby. To my love My tiny baby Zoe, my precious tree of life Your skin so fair and fragile, your eyes still blocked from light my kisses touch your forehead, your kisses warm my heart now that I have met you, I wish we'd ne...

Sometimes I search long and hard to find myself. Where have I gone? I search through this storm of uncertainly with only moments of light to guide my way. Thoughts whirl through my head and flood my heart with painful emotions. I fight this internal battle with myself...and although I know I am supported by those who love me, I feel alone. I wish I could say that almost 6 months after the death of my daughter it begins to get easier, but it doesn't. I wish I could reassure myself that I will be pregnant again, and next time will be different...but I can't. I don't want to be a bitter old lady who hates the world and hermits away into a dark hole. Truly I don't. But lets face it...the world doesn't understand. I deal with the constant " what am I missing? " feeling looming in my head. It's not a question of what...but a question of who ? We all know the answer to such a question...I am missing my daugther, my sweet Zoelle Hazel, who's name means ...

He's our first video of sawyer...he is irresistibly cute! I am sure his cuteness will be our biggest downfall! :-) Puppy land is keeping us very busy and we have had a few accident here and there. Last night we took him out 4 times, he manage to not pee in his crate! The cats have done really well too...I think the Mirth home will be just fine with our new addition.

Waiting....waiting....waiting... Time goes so slowly when we are waiting... Waiting... waiting... waiting... Sunday June 28th, I pray that this waiting pays off and we have a gloriously positive pregnancy test! How exciting is that prospect? Of course, I know the long road has only begun after that, but I am excited and hopeful all the same. Today is a hopeful day. I am hopeful to bring new life into the world. I am excited to be pregnant again, and feel my tiny baby kicking, flipping and moving about. I intuitively feel pregnant...and there are many signs around me that I very well could be. Tim had a dream the other night that I was pregnant! At the same time, I really don't want to get my hopes up or convince myself of something that has not come to pass. Being pregnant again reminds of me of sweet Zoe...she was certainly a mover and a shaker. At our 21 week u/s she was so active, the u/s tech said she was the most active baby of the day! I miss ...

One of my favorite outlets during this sad time of our lives is our yard. We have put countless hours of work into our yard, and it has been therapeutic and healing! We recently bought our first home this April, and I am so in love with our old house! It's eclectic, charming and fits like your favorite, comfy sweater. It truly was just what we needed to expel some of our frustration and energy. I am the first to admit I am a girly-girl all the way! I love baking, cooking, gardening, scrapbook, and quilting. Now, I am not claiming to do any of these well, but I love it all the same. :-) So here it is...my ode to spring and the brink of summer, in hopes that our own baby has sprung.... Our veggie garden before The whole in the garage is where the old wood burning stove used to reside. This is the most recent picture of our veggies. Hopefully my tomatoes will turn out tasty, because I would love to make some sauce this summer. Here our some pictures of the flower beds. We actually mov...

This week has been a roller coaster of emotions. Wednesday I had my day 12 u/s which showed my follicle was not quite ready. Well, the next night at work, I just knew I was ovulating. My ovary was cramping...I could just tell. I called Tim and said...I am pretty sure I am ovulating right now! Well, I went to the doc the next morning after work. I actually saw a different doc, mine was out of town. There was no follicle to be had, and I explained I thought I ovulated last night. Anyway...he said we wouldn't know for sure until we drew my blood. If my levels didn't look like that was the case, I could have an ovulation problem. sigh . I cried all the way home. I cried when I got home. I was so angry and mad. I don't want to be trying for another child...I want Zoe. I was robbed! What the hell! I was so angry I didn't even go to bed. I just curled up on the couch in a crying daze. I knew in the back of my head I ovulated, but I felt like we "missed the boat." How...

Well, so I thought I would have "it's a bust" news to report for this cycle. However, I have a follicle!! It's 14mm right not (needs to be 20) and my lining is a bit thinner then he would like ( an unfortunate side effect of my drug). So, he wants me to come back Friday and see if the follicle is up to size and my lining is good to go! The spotting has stopped, which is also good. He thinks it was breakthrough bleeding from the low levels of estrogen. This is good news. I am trying not to get too excited...but I am feeling pretty good about this! I can't believe I have ONE follicle! I am so excited!!!!! :-)

Well, I started spotting with mild cramping today on day 9 of my cycle. Shit! My u/s was scheduled for day 12 in hopes to have my hcg injection and ovulate. I called the doctor today and he said "Oh, I don't like that." Never good words to hear. Basically he thinks it may be "irritating" my cervix and simply may not be the drug for me. Letrozole, don't fail me now! So I will seem him as planned and hope something good comes of this cycle. Hopefully the spotting stops, my cervix is fine and I have a delightful follicle waiting patiently. I am trying so very much to stay positive, but it's an ongoing battle.

My dear blogger friend Bree , took this beautiful picture in memory of Zoe. So very sweet and meaningful. Thank you Bree! I love that my beautiful daughter has touch so many lives and connected me with such wonderful people. All of our babies have touched lives, most certainly my life.

Tomorrow will be 5 months...5 long months since the moment I met the most beautiful precious baby I have ever seen. Tomorrow will be five months since my arms held you...and let you go Tomorrow I will miss you, I will miss you forever and a day Tomorrow I will think of you, I will love you, I will ache for you I will think of you, love you and ache for you forever and a day Tomorrow, please be gentle for my daughter is gone and my heart is heavy Tomorrow, today and forever...send sweet kisses through the wind and whisper in her ear... Mommy loves you

It's hard to believe that we are playing this conception game over again...hopeful this cycle will end with our second child, alive. Our little Rainbow baby. :-) So how did the appointment with the RE go, you ask? Well, different then I imagined, but still hopeful. Here's the plan: When I became pregnant with Zoe during our second round with Follistim injections, I hyper-stimulated like a crazy woman. Looking back, it was a little insane we proceeded with the cycle. I had five eggs, yes five! Plus a few more follicles that could have done the trick. My right ovary grew to the size of 18 cm!!!!! My left was around 14cm! ( just in case you don't know, the normal ovary should be around 3-5cm.) Zoelle was our 1 miracle baby. NO ONE could believe we concieved only one!! Seriously. The down side of being pregnant after you hyperstim, is you only get worse. I had a moderate amount of ascites (fluid leaking into your abdomen), but not enough where it needed drained. Like I said, my...