stepping back, moving forward

There comes a point when certain people cause pain, even when they haven't a clue...they still manage to inflict pain on my suffering, bleeding heart. So, I am stepping back, deleting people from facebook, and accepting things in my life for face value. And you know what? It's okay. Right now, going to my in-laws is very painful for me. My water ruptured on Christmas when we we visiting my in-laws. It's difficult to go there, to drive there, to breath in the air and not feel as though my heart is bursting into a million pieces. It's amazingly painful not having Zoe here, alive and well. I can't believe she has been gone for almost a year, and we are no closer to being pregnant now then we were 6 months ago. I hate that about myself. I hate that I can't get pregnant...and further more I hate other people for getting pregnant without any problems. I hate that piece of shit women out there do drugs, drink and smoke while they are pregnant. I hate so much about our world right now. "They" say grief has different types of stages, and I most certainly am dealing with my anger state right now. I miss Zoe so much. Today I cried and cried, Tim held me. I am so thankful he loves me unconditionally, during this ugly hateful state of mine. My soul is truly burdened, and heavy with pain. Sometimes I wonder what we will do if this next cycle doesn't work. I think of how truly depressed I will feel. Will adaption ever be good enough for me? I know that seems so selfish, but I long to feel our baby moving and kicking again. Zoe was so super active, I felt her moving around relatively early in pregnancy. I long to go through labor and breastfeed.

So for now, it is important, if not vital for me to surround myself with people who love me and understand my pain. I have always been supportive and kind to my friends and family who are pregnant, and I expect nothing less in return. I am stepping back from those who can't seem to get it together and simply be kind to Tim and I. Screw them! Right now it is all about us. We are currently in the midst of an IVF cycle, and Zoe's one year anniversary is approaching quickly. It is time for me to move past my angry toward those who haven't been there for me over the last year, becuase many people have been there for Tim and I. It's time to step back and move forward. Push on through the holidays, with those who understand and want to grief and celebrate the ever so short, beautiful life of our daughter. Oh course I have my bad days, hell...more bad then good, but I owe to it myself to move on from this angry I harbor toward those who simply don't give a shit about our grieving process. I am not for sure how I feel about sharing my feelings about this cycle. I am so exhausted. Hopefully somewhere in the near future we will have some good news. God owes us...a few!