I took my pregnancy test again this morning...BFN. Not for sure what to say about that. I called the RE's office and left a message with the Nurse, hopefully she calls me back soon! The fact I have not started my period I feel like I am left in limbo. Very annoying.
Yesterday was a pretty sad day for me. Grief is an uphill battle, and it seems to be a battle I struggle with day by day...and even hour by hour at times. I think my negative test stirred up some sad feelings which made me face how much I am truly longing for Zoe.
Sometimes I just want this to be over...I wish I could get pregnant, have a healthy pregnancy and bring our little one home. Sounds easy, right? It's sad really, how many people take such a wonderful gift for granted. I mean really...how amazing is the gift of life? I find myself grieving for Zoe but also grieving for the loss of my fertility.
Infertility is relentless. Once again, I am in the minority...a select group of women who know the woes and frustrations of infertility. But then again, sometimes the minority doesn't seem so minor. According to the CDC approximately 11.8% of women struggle with infertility and 7.3 Million woman have used fertility services. That's is a huge amount of women out there who struggle with exactly the same issues as myself! Hopefully our medical care and technology will grow and expand and more and more couples will have success, healthy pregnancies. Even better a holistic approach...mind, body and spirit. (I won't even get started with that one!) Although we have made leaps and bounds in the realms of fertility care, the stigma looms over our heads. People like "Octo-mom" and lets face it Kate Gosselin don't really help the cause. However, the infamous God-fearing Duggars are free and clear to have as many children as they desire without a stigma in sight (maybe that is just my jealous infertile woman in me lashing out). Would society look at her so kindly if her children were conceived with IVF or ART? I am not so sure.
If I could spread one message to the world about my journey it would be that infertility is a difficult, emotion medical condition that haunts an alarming number of women. It is not a punishment, curse or even related to our inability to "relax". How many women or men out there go undiagnosed or untreated? How many couples deal with infertility but are afraid or embarrassed to talk about it due to culture or religious beliefs? Infertility treatments are not selfish and infertility is certainly not "in our heads." I would like to believe that much of the rude or insensitive comments are simply because people lack awareness. I mean really...how many of us go around talking about our infertility? It's a private subject, yet at the same time...is it?
In retrospect I am trying to gain a healthy perspective from this journey. My struggles with infertility and even more so, the death of Zoe have changed my life. I am a different Kate today...not better or worse, just different. I hope that through all of this I can reach out to others and learn to be more sensitive to those around me. After all, at the end of the day all we have is each other.
Yesterday was a pretty sad day for me. Grief is an uphill battle, and it seems to be a battle I struggle with day by day...and even hour by hour at times. I think my negative test stirred up some sad feelings which made me face how much I am truly longing for Zoe.
Sometimes I just want this to be over...I wish I could get pregnant, have a healthy pregnancy and bring our little one home. Sounds easy, right? It's sad really, how many people take such a wonderful gift for granted. I mean really...how amazing is the gift of life? I find myself grieving for Zoe but also grieving for the loss of my fertility.
Infertility is relentless. Once again, I am in the minority...a select group of women who know the woes and frustrations of infertility. But then again, sometimes the minority doesn't seem so minor. According to the CDC approximately 11.8% of women struggle with infertility and 7.3 Million woman have used fertility services. That's is a huge amount of women out there who struggle with exactly the same issues as myself! Hopefully our medical care and technology will grow and expand and more and more couples will have success, healthy pregnancies. Even better a holistic approach...mind, body and spirit. (I won't even get started with that one!) Although we have made leaps and bounds in the realms of fertility care, the stigma looms over our heads. People like "Octo-mom" and lets face it Kate Gosselin don't really help the cause. However, the infamous God-fearing Duggars are free and clear to have as many children as they desire without a stigma in sight (maybe that is just my jealous infertile woman in me lashing out). Would society look at her so kindly if her children were conceived with IVF or ART? I am not so sure.
If I could spread one message to the world about my journey it would be that infertility is a difficult, emotion medical condition that haunts an alarming number of women. It is not a punishment, curse or even related to our inability to "relax". How many women or men out there go undiagnosed or untreated? How many couples deal with infertility but are afraid or embarrassed to talk about it due to culture or religious beliefs? Infertility treatments are not selfish and infertility is certainly not "in our heads." I would like to believe that much of the rude or insensitive comments are simply because people lack awareness. I mean really...how many of us go around talking about our infertility? It's a private subject, yet at the same time...is it?
In retrospect I am trying to gain a healthy perspective from this journey. My struggles with infertility and even more so, the death of Zoe have changed my life. I am a different Kate today...not better or worse, just different. I hope that through all of this I can reach out to others and learn to be more sensitive to those around me. After all, at the end of the day all we have is each other.
Kate, I'm so sorry about the BFNs. I'm curious to hear if your doctor recommends a beta test at this point, just to see if perhaps there's a low level of HCG that the tests aren't picking up. At any rate, I'm thinking about you and sending lots of hugs in your direction! I really appreciate your insightful thoughts on infertility. I'm constantly amazed by how many women and men in my circle of friends have sought treatment for infertility. If anything, I'll bet the numbers are higher than 7.3 million!
ReplyDeleteSorry about the BFNs. I always read and heard that 1 in 6 couples deals with infertility which is HUGE. Try not to think about the people who are ignorant and rude regarding treatments. There will always be haters...and it is precisely because they haven't dealt with the difficult decision themselves and don't know anything about it. Keep us posted.
ReplyDeleteSorry about the BFN. I wish IF was a more open subject. There are so many women out there who deserve more support.
ReplyDeleteIt's not over till the fat lady sings... hoping that AF doesn't appear and their is a little miracle BFP somewhere there, but if not, then I hope she appears quickly because the waiting game (esp with a BFN under your belt) is crapola!
ReplyDeleteIt's now official that after conceiving our first born, our angel, quickly and amazingly easily, that we are apparently suffering secondary infertility. How much more unfair can the world get? Although I know the 'stats', and I read many blogs of people having trouble to conceive for a myriad of reasons, yesterday I went for my first BT at the city fertility clinic. I was shocked and amazed that so many people walked in the door with me, and so many more walked in while I spent my five minutes in the waiting room.
Good luck x
http://thehoneycakemixup.blogspot.com
Oh honey, I thought this was our month, our cycle. I really felt positive for both of us. It's just so damn heartbreaking seeing those negative signs on a test.
ReplyDeleteIF is such a hard medical condition to deal with when, like you said, so many people who are even older than us, can make babies with no problem. Makes me so upset.
*hugs*
You may have heard me say this before, but I believe that any woman who can carry over 3 at a time should have to give up the remaining babies to women who suffer from IF. I know very socialist of me.
ReplyDeleteJust thinking of you and thanking you for your post as I am sure it is such a help to others! I'll be thinking 'positive' for you and hoping for good days ahead!
ReplyDeleteHugs-
Another Angel Mama-
Laura
www.momentsofpause.blogspot.com