Another sad post...no surpirse there...

I am having a very sad day ( I am sure all of the hormones I am taking aren't helping). Sometimes I can't believe how my life has turned out. Of course I am thankful for Tim, my family and friends...but I am left with something missing...my daughter. It's hard to even believe that I am still not pregnant. Since the day Zoe died, I knew part of my healing would be getting pregnant again. My hope for that is dwindling fast. As we come upon this IVF cycle, I know that we are not planning to transfer for at least 2 more months. I hyper stimulate to the point of danger, and it seems pointless to get pregnant and put my life in danger. So right now, we are looking at least February until a possible transfer. I can't believe that I am coming upon Zoe's year anniversary, and we are no closer to being pregnant then we were months and months ago. I really feel like being pregnant over the holidays would have softened the blow of all of the things going on around me. I am not for sure how I am going to handle babies and pregnancies this holiday. I wish I could think of anything but pregnancy or lack there of...but I am consumed. Sadly, this journey is completely out of my control, and honestly I am reaching my limit. If this cycle doesn't work, I am done. And honestly, I am not for sure if I will ever be the same. I wish I could think of something else, but I am so deeply hurt and saddened by all of this. Ironically, the world keeps moving forward, even though I am living in a world of limbo. I wish I could be happy for the new baby coming in our family in December, but I have been deeply hurt by them, so it's impossible. I wish I could be happy for people right now...but I am hurting too badly. So many people I know are pregnant, which although I am happy for them...it is hard to believe that I am not. I don't understand why I am not...I just don't understand.