I am having a very sad day ( I am sure all of the hormones I am taking aren't helping). Sometimes I can't believe how my life has turned out. Of course I am thankful for Tim, my family and friends...but I am left with something missing...my daughter. It's hard to even believe that I am still not pregnant. Since the day Zoe died, I knew part of my healing would be getting pregnant again. My hope for that is dwindling fast. As we come upon this IVF cycle, I know that we are not planning to transfer for at least 2 more months. I hyper stimulate to the point of danger, and it seems pointless to get pregnant and put my life in danger. So right now, we are looking at least February until a possible transfer. I can't believe that I am coming upon Zoe's year anniversary, and we are no closer to being pregnant then we were months and months ago. I really feel like being pregnant over the holidays would have softened the blow of all of the things going on around me. I am not for sure how I am going to handle babies and pregnancies this holiday. I wish I could think of anything but pregnancy or lack there of...but I am consumed. Sadly, this journey is completely out of my control, and honestly I am reaching my limit. If this cycle doesn't work, I am done. And honestly, I am not for sure if I will ever be the same. I wish I could think of something else, but I am so deeply hurt and saddened by all of this. Ironically, the world keeps moving forward, even though I am living in a world of limbo. I wish I could be happy for the new baby coming in our family in December, but I have been deeply hurt by them, so it's impossible. I wish I could be happy for people right now...but I am hurting too badly. So many people I know are pregnant, which although I am happy for them...it is hard to believe that I am not. I don't understand why I am not...I just don't understand.
So...my level today was 108!!! The nurse said that was a perfect, healthy number...not too high, not too low. Chances are good we have one little charm in there. Which is PERFECT. We won't know for sure until our u/s...but I have been thinking it's one...and a boy. I feel really connected to a little boy, and awhile ago, Zoe came to me in a dream and said we were going to get pregnant with one baby, a little boy, and things were going to be fine. :-) Sweet little baby of mine...comforting her momma even in spirit. It's strange to be pregnant right now...It doesn't feel real quite yet. It does, but it doesn't. I feel really secure about this pregnancy...almost at peace. I feel deep in my heart we are going to bring home a living baby. It's will be strange to be a mother of 2, one in spirit and one here on Earth. I love Zoelle so deeply, and miss her with each breath I take. I wish she was here to share in the joy of this new life. At the same time, the new life
So so sorry, Kate. I'm here for you.
ReplyDeleteSame as Bree, I am so incredibly sorry. I wish I could ease your pain. Know I am ALWAYS here for you as well.
ReplyDelete*hugs*
Kate, I'm so sorry. I think about you all the time and wish there was something I could do. I understand how you're feeling. If you'd be willing, could you send me your mailing address? I have something to put in the mail to you.
ReplyDeleteHugssss Kate. I know this is very hard. Missing your angel baby and having nothing to fill your aching arms is very very very hard.
ReplyDeleteOh Kate, I am so sorry. I wish I could take away your pain. I hope you are able to find some sense of peace soon. xx
ReplyDeleteI constantly pray for you, Im so sorry its so difficult. Hang in there, Nan xoxo
ReplyDeleteI want to cry with you. I can't believe you are not pregnant either. I know that you want to be a mom and that you are born to be one. I'm so sorry that you are having a difficult time.
ReplyDelete