Kate's Corner

Well, I have concluded that most people have no idea what preterm babies and their families go through. People were asking about the baby at work last night, and most people still think I had a miscarriage at 24 weeks. I am sure a miscarriage would be difficult, but I kindly informed them I delivered a living, breathing baby. This same person made the comment that "99.9% of pregnant woman have healthy babies." (I think she was trying to give me hope for the future). Too bad she has no idea. (It drives me insane when people pull statistics out of their butt! Ehhh) Most people can't understand the idea of giving birth to a tiny, perfect human and waching her die. I ask myself everyday...should we have tried to save her? Could we have intubated her? Was she really too small for a central line? I do know she died in peace in the arms of her parents. One of the only gifts I was able to give her. I also love the question..."did you name her?" Hmm...really? Of cours

Today I feel quite uneasy, not for sure why. Am I forgetting something? I paid the bills, I know my work schedule, I looked on the calendar...I just can't put my finger on this strange sensation in the pit of my stomach. I never used to be a super needy gal...but recently I am not a huge fan of being alone. Today I am alone. In one sense, I know I have many people around me who care and love me, but physically, I am sitting here today alone. Maybe that is causing this uneasiness today. Sometimes I feel like I have a bit of a sixth sense...hopefully nothing bad is about to transpire. Strange I would feel that way. Lately, I have completely lost faith in God. I know hard times bring some people closer, but I know too many wonderful, beautiful people who experience tragedy and hardship. I have always been a huge proponent of holistic healing as well. Actually, over the last 2 years I have been working on my Health Touch certificate- a holistic nursing modality based on balancing your

Little Zoe, This weekend I cleaned the garden and planted beautiful flowers. Mom and I went to a lovely local nursery and picked out pretty flowers for a shady area in the back yard. Daddy and I planted and rearrange the garden all weekend. I think of you everyday, little Zoelle. Your name means "tree of life"...very suiting for your little spirit that is always so near to me. I am not for sure why we had to part so quickly after meeting you, but I am thankful for every second I had you in my belly and in my arms. Being in the garden reminds me of you, my little butterfly. This time last year we began our journey through many infertiltiy treaments....then along came you, our perfect little girl. One day, I will see you again and I will smile and kiss your sweet little face. I love you baby. You will always be remembered and forever be loved. Love, Mommy

Well, the time has arrived, April 22, 2009...my little jelly bean's due date. It's been a dreary week here at the Mirth home. Just uncomfortably sad. I have discovered no matter how much pain I am experiencing the Earth continues to rotate and life progresses forward. Sometimes I secretly wish the world would just pause for a moment and acknowledge that my heart is broken. A bit extreme and egotistical, but honest. Today my world seems to be covered by a dark cloud, looming over my head. I am sad for me and my family and furthermore, I am sad for all of the parents out there who have lost children or a loved one. I wish we could have a reprieve for this heartache, respite seems like the best medicine for such pain. From the outside looking in, I guess some would say I seem to be doing well. However, I hate when people say that to me...I may look like I am keeping it together, but I do it because people can't handle how much pain I truly feel. When people ask me how I am doi

I absolutely love John Mayer. I have been listening to him for a good 8 years now! My sister and I went to see him last summer, and he did not disappoint. His song, Daughters became my song to the baby pretty much the entire time I was pregnant (even before I knew she was a girl). It was one of the songs we played at Zoe's service. Well...I was sitting here listening to pandora (a wonderful website that plays a plethora of music) and the song Dreaming with a Broken Heart started playing. It seems to sum up how I feel right now...I thought I would share the lyrics. When You're Dreaming with a Broken Heart John Mayer When you're dreaming with a broken heart The waking up is the hardest part You roll out of bed and down on your knees And for a moment you can hardly breathe Wondering was she really here Is she standing in my room? No, she's not Cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone. When you're dreaming with a broken heart The giving up is the hardest part She

So many emotions have raced through my veins this week. I am ecstatic about our new home, I simply love it! I love my husband, I love our families and I love my friends (present company included). However, I miss my little one so intensely it feels like I have been shot through the heart. Stabbed over and over with no possible light at the end of the tunnel to release me from this pain. Spring has sprung, and with that comes babies...all of my friends and coworkers who are due this month. Except our baby, who has been born and passed. Our baby whose urn sits in our living room, whose clothes are boxed away in the basement, and whose memories are carefully placed in her scrapbook. Our baby wasn't so fortunate, neither were we. One of my dearest friends, a friend who I have known since kindergarten, a friend who was in our wedding had her 4th baby yesterday. Yes, 4th! She is in a terrible relationship, living under terrible circumstances, yet here she is again having another child.

I have been quite the blog slacker this past week. We are in the middle of moving! So exciting. I love our home! It was built in 1923 and it is just perfect for us...we love old homes. The keys were in our hot little hands Friday and we cleaned, painted and painted some more all weekend. My family joined in on the fun and the guys painted the living room and the dining room. They look fantastic! We I will post some before and after pics sometime soon. Right now I am trying to get our kitchen moved over. I am actually working this week; tonight, tomorrow and Friday (since I have no time off after my "maternity" leave) so it's going to be a long week! I would really like to have the kitchen packed and unpacked at the new house. So far, the kitchen has been the hardest room to move! Sunday evening, I was at the house by myself (Tim had practice) and I was unpacking a box with pictures and such. I came across an u/s picture of Zoe that I had framed...of course I put it in t