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Creating sacred space

Hello old friend, its been a long time since we have talked. It's been 9 years since the start of this blog. NINE years. Nines year of tears, heartbreak, infertility, love, surprises, 2 rainbows, 2 cats, 2 dogs, 2 houses  and 9 birthdays later for my baby who certainly left too soon. Life truly seems to be flying by. They aren't kidding when they say that huh! I was invited to a facebook group of the original baby loss moms and we are to post our blog. Looking back I wished I would have saved it...some of the information got lost and was overtaken by third party hosting. But...the universe is clearly telling me something, because I have recently been thinking about writing a book about our story and perhaps figuring out a way to help other parents along their own journeys. So dear universe, I hear you....I suppose its time to resurrect this old blog and get back to it. I am planning on starting a website and converting this blog to wordpress and linking it to my site. I will …
Recent posts

Seraching for balance...

Wow...I have been a seriously slacker...again. I write on a private blog for River for family, but I find myself writing on here less and less. This blog helped me heal and grow through my grief...but I also know I am never truly healed. Zoe's loss will always be with me.

These days I find myself struggling with balance in my life. I seem to be all over the place. After we lost Zoe I was searching to fill the void in my life. At the time, I thought getting a puppy would help distract my mind...it did. The following year we rescued a second dog. Now here we are with a 9 month old and 2 very high energy dogs. I have an extremely difficult time managing our husky, despite how much I love him. I feel like my priorities shifted in such a huge manner...I don't have the time I once did to attend to his needs. I feel like such a terrible dog owner, but at times I feel like it may be time to find Sawyer a new home. He is such a sweet, loving pup...but his energy level is OFF THE HOOK.…

Where does time go?

My rainbow is 6 months old! Wow...it seems like just yesterday I was stimming for my IVF cycle. We are so in love...but it's easy when you wake up to this beautiful face. :-)

I can't believe it happened to me!

Sometimes I am in complete awe that we have a baby. I am so in love with River and I feel very fortunate! River is a really good baby; She eats great, sleeps well, smiles tons and is easily comforted when cranky. I am really happy to have her here. On the flip side, I am learning all of the beautiful things I missed out with Zoe. Bath time, reading books, cuddling, smiling, cooing, bites of new foods, so on and so forth...the list could go on forever. I still battle with postpartum depression, but I do feel like I am coming out on the other side. My sad days are fewer apart. I still feel terribly guilty that I battle depression. We have tried so long and so hard for a baby that it seems selfish of me to be sad when we have a perfect baby in our arms. HOWEVER, it's not the kind of thing I can control. I still have a lot of depression related to nursing. It hurts me that it didn't work for me...sigh. But, River is super healthy and growing well and at the end of the day, SHE is …

Full Circle

Today I had a followup appointment with my RE. I couldn't ask for anything more in a practice, really. I love my doctor, the nurses are awesome, the receptionist are kind and friendly, the lab tech always gets me on the first stick and our embryologist is smart and easy on the eyes :-) All good things! Everyone was so excited to see see River and I today. I think our Doc thought her name was a little strange...but hey...not his kid! haha. Many of the people at that office has seen us from the beginning of this journey, so bringing River in with me was a big deal. We discussed the game plan with my PCOS. I rarely ovulate so birth control isn't much of an issue for us. Plus, I don't really want to be on the pill. So I am going to take provera every 3 months to stimulate a period (not ovulation)to keep my uterine lining within normal range. Of course my ovaries where covered in smalls follicles and large as usual. Nothing new. He also mentioned Zoe, which was very sweet. His …

Breastfeeding or bust

Since the moment I was pregnant I knew I wanted to nurse. I love the idea, I love the thought of holding my baby skin to skin...I love the concept of nourishing my child and watching her grow.

Immediately after River was born, my BP dropped when they were stitch me up (i had a 3 degree tear). So when she was wide awake I was not feeling so wonderful. I tried to nurse during that time, but it just wasn't happening. We were able to get a good latch at the hospital...but my nipples were bruising and man-o-man did it hurt!! BUT...it was what I wanted and everyone tells you breast milk is best.

Once we made it home, we had an appt with the ped the next day. River was losing weight...normal for a nursing baby. So...we went back 3 days later for a weight check. Still not gaining weight. The doc told me to nurse every 2 hours...to wake her up if I needed to.

Okay...I can do this!

Back to the doc...still LOSING weight! At this point I had been calling the lactation consultant at our ob …