Another sad post...no surpirse there...

I am having a very sad day ( I am sure all of the hormones I am taking aren't helping). Sometimes I can't believe how my life has turned out. Of course I am thankful for Tim, my family and friends...but I am left with something missing...my daughter. It's hard to even believe that I am still not pregnant. Since the day Zoe died, I knew part of my healing would be getting pregnant again. My hope for that is dwindling fast. As we come upon this IVF cycle, I know that we are not planning to transfer for at least 2 more months. I hyper stimulate to the point of danger, and it seems pointless to get pregnant and put my life in danger. So right now, we are looking at least February until a possible transfer. I can't believe that I am coming upon Zoe's year anniversary, and we are no closer to being pregnant then we were months and months ago. I really feel like being pregnant over the holidays would have softened the blow of all of the things going on around me. I am not for sure how I am going to handle babies and pregnancies this holiday. I wish I could think of anything but pregnancy or lack there of...but I am consumed. Sadly, this journey is completely out of my control, and honestly I am reaching my limit. If this cycle doesn't work, I am done. And honestly, I am not for sure if I will ever be the same. I wish I could think of something else, but I am so deeply hurt and saddened by all of this. Ironically, the world keeps moving forward, even though I am living in a world of limbo. I wish I could be happy for the new baby coming in our family in December, but I have been deeply hurt by them, so it's impossible. I wish I could be happy for people right now...but I am hurting too badly. So many people I know are pregnant, which although I am happy for them...it is hard to believe that I am not. I don't understand why I am not...I just don't understand.

stepping back, moving forward

There comes a point when certain people cause pain, even when they haven't a clue...they still manage to inflict pain on my suffering, bleeding heart. So, I am stepping back, deleting people from facebook, and accepting things in my life for face value. And you know what? It's okay. Right now, going to my in-laws is very painful for me. My water ruptured on Christmas when we we visiting my in-laws. It's difficult to go there, to drive there, to breath in the air and not feel as though my heart is bursting into a million pieces. It's amazingly painful not having Zoe here, alive and well. I can't believe she has been gone for almost a year, and we are no closer to being pregnant now then we were 6 months ago. I hate that about myself. I hate that I can't get pregnant...and further more I hate other people for getting pregnant without any problems. I hate that piece of shit women out there do drugs, drink and smoke while they are pregnant. I hate so much about our world right now. "They" say grief has different types of stages, and I most certainly am dealing with my anger state right now. I miss Zoe so much. Today I cried and cried, Tim held me. I am so thankful he loves me unconditionally, during this ugly hateful state of mine. My soul is truly burdened, and heavy with pain. Sometimes I wonder what we will do if this next cycle doesn't work. I think of how truly depressed I will feel. Will adaption ever be good enough for me? I know that seems so selfish, but I long to feel our baby moving and kicking again. Zoe was so super active, I felt her moving around relatively early in pregnancy. I long to go through labor and breastfeed.

So for now, it is important, if not vital for me to surround myself with people who love me and understand my pain. I have always been supportive and kind to my friends and family who are pregnant, and I expect nothing less in return. I am stepping back from those who can't seem to get it together and simply be kind to Tim and I. Screw them! Right now it is all about us. We are currently in the midst of an IVF cycle, and Zoe's one year anniversary is approaching quickly. It is time for me to move past my angry toward those who haven't been there for me over the last year, becuase many people have been there for Tim and I. It's time to step back and move forward. Push on through the holidays, with those who understand and want to grief and celebrate the ever so short, beautiful life of our daughter. Oh course I have my bad days, hell...more bad then good, but I owe to it myself to move on from this angry I harbor toward those who simply don't give a shit about our grieving process. I am not for sure how I feel about sharing my feelings about this cycle. I am so exhausted. Hopefully somewhere in the near future we will have some good news. God owes us...a few!

Am I asking too much?

Tim and I have written an email to the family regarding how difficult Christmas is going to be this year (in response to an email about what we want for Christmas and our plans). Tim also wrote on the family blog that we are having a difficult time with the holidays and will not be celebrating this year. Guess how many people responded? ZERO! People kept writing posts about what gifts they want as if Tim never said a word. I sit her with tears streaming down my face wondering if things will ever be the same? I am deeply hurt. Is it too much to ask for at least a simple acknowledgement that on Christmas last year my water ruptured at 22 weeks and I was on bed rest through new years almost 3 hours away from our home. Only to delivery our daughter on 1-4-09 and watch her slip way? Why are we the bad guys? Why the hell will not one person acknowledge our pain in this family? What does it take?

Alone

I am surrounded by friends, family and strangers who are pregnant. I stand alone as the freak non pregnant girl seemingly making those around me uncomfortable. Hell, I didn't even get invited to my SIL baby shower. Really? Are you kidding me? I have NEVER implied that I didn't want to go. Guess what...I am not CONTAGIOUS! You won't catch preterm labor like the swine flu or some nasty virus. My life feels dark and empty right now. I fear I am alone...but sadly I am not. I am friends with grief, suffering, depression and pain. We are old friends and they know me well.

The Bright side...is NOT the right side!

This morning I was watching The Daily Show and a very interesting guest was on last night. Barbara Ehrenreich, a seven year cancer survivor recently published the book Bright Sided; How the relentless promotion of positive thinking has undermined America. Ehrenreich notes that during time receiving chemo and radiation, people would spoon feed her positive mantras. "Be positive, it's okay, BE POSITIVE." It got me thinking...do people say these things becuase they don't know what to say, or do people simply not want to deal with others problems? If we ignore the pain others endure, then we don't have to deal with it. Right? Anyone who has gone through a tragic event quickly learns people have no idea what to say. And although I think people mean well, it is much easier to ignore the pain and heartache others suffer by candy coating the situation with cliche statements like "It will all work out, don't lose hope, be positive, it's all in Gods plan or you will come out a stronger person." (the list could go on and on) After all, what people need and want is validation and a listening ear. "I am sorry you are dealing with _____, please let me know if I can help you." Or "It's okay to be upset, frustrated or angry, I am always here for you if you need someone to talk to."



I wish I knew why good people had to suffer such heartaches, whether it be cancer, the loss of a spouse or child. I don't understand. My journey has not always been easy, and there are many times I wonder "what the hell?" but it is still my journey. No one can walk in my shoes, only me. No one can ease my pain, only time. Am I angry, of course. In the last 4 years I was diagnosed with a benign brain tumor, had a crainiotomy, diagnosed with PCOS (which is how they found my brain tumor, long stroy don't want to go there), went through infertility treatments, suffered the death of our daughter and now dealing with almost a 6 month battle of infertility again. Really? The fact is I AM angry, pissed, bitter and jealous. I wish it was easy for me to get pregnant. Hell, I don't even really care about the brain tumor...I would do it 1000 times over if it would be Zoe back, but it won't.

sigh...

I don't believe in optimism. As for hope...hope is for those who don't need it and can toss it around like a lone sock without a match. I am in so much pain these days. Sadly, I feel guilty for feeling so completely depressed. I have so many people who love me, yet here I am sad and broken. I hope that one day my tears are tears of happiness and I take breathe...a deep, cleansing breath of life. Until then, my only choice is to wake up and push through this darkness and pray there is a light... somewhere.

Remembering our babies

Zoe,
tonight I light your candle along with 50 others to remember you and many other babies who have touched our lives. You are forever missed. Daddy played your song. I love you my sweet, sweet little butterfly.

sigh...

These past couple of weeks have been overwhelmingly frustrating. My cycle was canceled...when they decreased my follistm dose my follicles stopped growing and my estrogen dropped 1000 in 2 days! I was so disappointed. I truly felt I was caught in the middle of two doctors...one who wanted to see me everyday...yet wasn't there everyday and the other who saw me when my doc wasn't there. The "fill in" doc didn't want to see me everyday and didn't want to decrease my dose. Low and behold...he was right...but a little to late. Sometimes being over zealous with caution leads to...well...a whole lot of nothing in my case. By Friday I was down to 7 follicles and my estrogen was only 800. What a bust. The embryologist felt it was not a good idea to retrieve becuase of the chance of poor quality eggs...after all, my estrogen level took a nose dive south of the border.

So what now...more waiting. I can't even try this again until December. Are you freaking kidding me! The nurse felt so terrible about the whole thing, she said not to worry about the follistim. It's not about the money...but the time...more waiting. We have been trying for 6 months...and yet...the majority of that time has been filled with the emptiness of waiting.

The 4th was Zoe's 9 month anniversary. Wow. My heart still hurts and my arms still long for her. I had a terrible day on the 4th, I felt very much alone and empty. I told my husband that I actually hate people who can just "get" pregnant. I've never hated anyone...what is wrong with me? Grief...that's what's wrong with me. I am so angry that nothing seems to go smoothly or easily for us. I hate that my water broke on Christmas. I hate Christmas...and I want nothing to do with it. I hate everyone right now...or at least the insensitive idiots who seems to get everything they want without a care in the world. I hate that I actually say I hate anyone. So unlike me. I know deep down somewhere in this broken heart of mine, I truly don't hate anyone...but for now, that's easier said then done.