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sigh...

These past couple of weeks have been overwhelmingly frustrating. My cycle was canceled...when they decreased my follistm dose my follicles stopped growing and my estrogen dropped 1000 in 2 days! I was so disappointed. I truly felt I was caught in the middle of two doctors...one who wanted to see me everyday...yet wasn't there everyday and the other who saw me when my doc wasn't there. The "fill in" doc didn't want to see me everyday and didn't want to decrease my dose. Low and behold...he was right...but a little to late. Sometimes being over zealous with caution leads to...well...a whole lot of nothing in my case. By Friday I was down to 7 follicles and my estrogen was only 800. What a bust. The embryologist felt it was not a good idea to retrieve becuase of the chance of poor quality eggs...after all, my estrogen level took a nose dive south of the border.

So what now...more waiting. I can't even try this again until December. Are you freaking kidding me! The nurse felt so terrible about the whole thing, she said not to worry about the follistim. It's not about the money...but the time...more waiting. We have been trying for 6 months...and yet...the majority of that time has been filled with the emptiness of waiting.

The 4th was Zoe's 9 month anniversary. Wow. My heart still hurts and my arms still long for her. I had a terrible day on the 4th, I felt very much alone and empty. I told my husband that I actually hate people who can just "get" pregnant. I've never hated anyone...what is wrong with me? Grief...that's what's wrong with me. I am so angry that nothing seems to go smoothly or easily for us. I hate that my water broke on Christmas. I hate Christmas...and I want nothing to do with it. I hate everyone right now...or at least the insensitive idiots who seems to get everything they want without a care in the world. I hate that I actually say I hate anyone. So unlike me. I know deep down somewhere in this broken heart of mine, I truly don't hate anyone...but for now, that's easier said then done.

Comments

  1. AngelaOctober 6, 2009 at 9:31 AM

    I'm soooo sorry kate. that truly freaking sucks. I just hit Ella's 8 month mark...I can't believe its been that long I feel like it was yesterday. I know what you mean about hating preggo people...I do too. And I'm sorry Christmas sucks for you as well. I am not looking forward to it at ALL...I just want it to pass without mention! Hugs,
    Angela

    ReplyDelete
  2. CourtneyOctober 6, 2009 at 1:07 PM

    Love you girl. I am so sorry this cycle didn't work out. Always here for you. I know the hate you feel, I really do.

    *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
  3. Debby@Just BreatheOctober 6, 2009 at 4:08 PM

    ((HUGS)) I am so sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Nan & MikeOctober 6, 2009 at 4:31 PM

    Continual prayers for you. Im sorry this didnt work, try to keep positive for December. I have the same feelings on prego people, its really difficult as we weren't like this ever before, it's startling. Hugs, Nan xo

    ReplyDelete
  5. BrennaOctober 6, 2009 at 6:03 PM

    Oh sweet girl. I just HATE this for you. The waiting is so, so hard. I was thinking about you quite a bit over the weekend, I should have called or checked in. I put the boys' angel on top of their memory box and the card you gave us inside the box...you're such a wonderful, kind, generous soul. I want so badly for you to be a mommy again. I know it will happen, I just wish your path were smoother. If there's anything at all I can do, please let me know.

    ReplyDelete
  6. BreeOctober 6, 2009 at 6:32 PM

    Sighing with you. I'm so sorry you have to start this whole process again. Like I said before, I don't get why this process just can't be easy for you. You are an amazing person and you've paid your dues and deserve nothing more than a healthy baby in your arms. I know you've read on my blog about my feelings towards preggy's (not lbm preggy's). I think it's totally normal- at least that's what my therapist says. The holidays are going to be so tough. I think working on your butterfly tree is a nice way to do something in honor of Zoe. Big hug, girlfriend.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Never forgetting GregoryOctober 6, 2009 at 11:28 PM

    I'm so sorry to hear all of this. I hurts so much to have to cancel cycles...cancel hope. And I am sorry Christmas will never ever be the same for you. You are depressed and I have certainly been in those same shoes. Do NOT beat yourself up, you can't help how you feel. It is so not fair that things come so easily to some people and others have to suffer. I just hope with all my might you get to be pulled out of this mess soon. Hugs

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  8. MaryOctober 7, 2009 at 9:49 AM

    Oh no Kate. I'm so sorry to hear this cycle didn't work.

    Your emotions are truly justified. I can't imagine the frustration that you are going thru now but I pray that you will be blessed soon.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Akul's mamaOctober 8, 2009 at 12:27 AM

    There are days when I am driving home and I feel that Akul is cuddled against me. I feel his tiny fingers against my skin and I ache for him ...a deep longing encompasses me and at that moment I would do anything to hold my baby for a few minutes. I totally understand your hunger for your Zoe. Hugsssss

    ReplyDelete
  10. TinaOctober 8, 2009 at 9:31 PM

    I am so sorry this cylce didn't go as planned. It just sucks for you and that you have to wait 2 more months to try this again. I hope you are able to find a piece of hope somewhere in this journey. xx

    ReplyDelete

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