This morning I was watching The Daily Show and a very interesting guest was on last night. Barbara Ehrenreich, a seven year cancer survivor recently published the book Bright Sided; How the relentless promotion of positive thinking has undermined America. Ehrenreich notes that during time receiving chemo and radiation, people would spoon feed her positive mantras. "Be positive, it's okay, BE POSITIVE." It got me thinking...do people say these things becuase they don't know what to say, or do people simply not want to deal with others problems? If we ignore the pain others endure, then we don't have to deal with it. Right? Anyone who has gone through a tragic event quickly learns people have no idea what to say. And although I think people mean well, it is much easier to ignore the pain and heartache others suffer by candy coating the situation with cliche statements like "It will all work out, don't lose hope, be positive, it's all in Gods plan or you will come out a stronger person." (the list could go on and on) After all, what people need and want is validation and a listening ear. "I am sorry you are dealing with _____, please let me know if I can help you." Or "It's okay to be upset, frustrated or angry, I am always here for you if you need someone to talk to."
I wish I knew why good people had to suffer such heartaches, whether it be cancer, the loss of a spouse or child. I don't understand. My journey has not always been easy, and there are many times I wonder "what the hell?" but it is still my journey. No one can walk in my shoes, only me. No one can ease my pain, only time. Am I angry, of course. In the last 4 years I was diagnosed with a benign brain tumor, had a crainiotomy, diagnosed with PCOS (which is how they found my brain tumor, long stroy don't want to go there), went through infertility treatments, suffered the death of our daughter and now dealing with almost a 6 month battle of infertility again. Really? The fact is I AM angry, pissed, bitter and jealous. I wish it was easy for me to get pregnant. Hell, I don't even really care about the brain tumor...I would do it 1000 times over if it would be Zoe back, but it won't.
sigh...
I don't believe in optimism. As for hope...hope is for those who don't need it and can toss it around like a lone sock without a match. I am in so much pain these days. Sadly, I feel guilty for feeling so completely depressed. I have so many people who love me, yet here I am sad and broken. I hope that one day my tears are tears of happiness and I take breathe...a deep, cleansing breath of life. Until then, my only choice is to wake up and push through this darkness and pray there is a light... somewhere.
I wish I knew why good people had to suffer such heartaches, whether it be cancer, the loss of a spouse or child. I don't understand. My journey has not always been easy, and there are many times I wonder "what the hell?" but it is still my journey. No one can walk in my shoes, only me. No one can ease my pain, only time. Am I angry, of course. In the last 4 years I was diagnosed with a benign brain tumor, had a crainiotomy, diagnosed with PCOS (which is how they found my brain tumor, long stroy don't want to go there), went through infertility treatments, suffered the death of our daughter and now dealing with almost a 6 month battle of infertility again. Really? The fact is I AM angry, pissed, bitter and jealous. I wish it was easy for me to get pregnant. Hell, I don't even really care about the brain tumor...I would do it 1000 times over if it would be Zoe back, but it won't.
sigh...
I don't believe in optimism. As for hope...hope is for those who don't need it and can toss it around like a lone sock without a match. I am in so much pain these days. Sadly, I feel guilty for feeling so completely depressed. I have so many people who love me, yet here I am sad and broken. I hope that one day my tears are tears of happiness and I take breathe...a deep, cleansing breath of life. Until then, my only choice is to wake up and push through this darkness and pray there is a light... somewhere.
I hear you .... The moment my mind - brain or whatever it is inside me has space, Akul creeps in. I feel the warmth of his tiny body held close to mine and I crave for him. It is so weird - this hunger to hold him close and feel him breathe and move - I do not know how to handle it myself. I am so sorry for your loss Kate. I am so sorry your beautiful Zoe is not with you and that you are so sad and yearning and longing for your baby - I wish I had some hope or happiness to give you, but I am as broken and sad as you are. Hugssssss.
ReplyDeleteOf course you are sad and broken. It takes time and even then, even if you begin to feel better you will always grieve. I pray for your comfort and for those also in your shoes. It is the worse thing that can happen and I feel so badly for your sorrow. ((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteI couldn't agree more, Kate. I don't want to hear any of those things from people. You know that I have blocked emails from certain people for that very reason. You are so right. I'm so glad we have each other and all the other amazing bloggers to lean on. As I think we are the only ones who get it. I'm missing Zoe with you. I'm praying for light for you, for all of us. xoxo
ReplyDeleteHugs to you my sweet friend. I think about you each day. Know I'm always here for you
ReplyDeleteI agree completely. Usually when people try to spoon-feed me positive crap when the death of my son comes up I say, "you think so?" and leave it at that. Those "helpful" words only make the wounds hurt worse. Hugs to you. I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. I know how dark life is for you right now, and all I can do is wish and hope that you get to experience happiness again.
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