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Not myself

This week has been a roller coaster of emotions. Wednesday I had my day 12 u/s which showed my follicle was not quite ready. Well, the next night at work, I just knew I was ovulating. My ovary was cramping...I could just tell. I called Tim and said...I am pretty sure I am ovulating right now! Well, I went to the doc the next morning after work. I actually saw a different doc, mine was out of town. There was no follicle to be had, and I explained I thought I ovulated last night. Anyway...he said we wouldn't know for sure until we drew my blood. If my levels didn't look like that was the case, I could have an ovulation problem. sigh.

I cried all the way home. I cried when I got home. I was so angry and mad. I don't want to be trying for another child...I want Zoe. I was robbed! What the hell! I was so angry I didn't even go to bed. I just curled up on the couch in a crying daze. I knew in the back of my head I ovulated, but I felt like we "missed the boat." How could I have ovulated when only 2 days prior my follicle was 14-15mm and I hadn't even gotten my hcg injections. I was so aggravated! I was NOT feeling at all positive about the situation.

Well, around noon or so the office called and said my labs looked good and it looks like I am ovulating. My lining was okay...but not super great. I guess the ideal thickness is 7-8 mine was 6.

So here we are and I am just not myself. How do we do this again and remain hopeful? I pray I get pregnant this month, but at the same time I want to remain realistic. I am scared, depressed, irritated, hopeful and hormonal. Not a good combination...not a good combination at all! So...pregnancy test in 2 weeks. Here we go again...

Comments

  1. MaryJune 14, 2009 at 8:13 AM

    Keeping my fingers crossed. Praying that your prayers come true.

    ReplyDelete
  2. EricaJune 14, 2009 at 8:31 AM

    Awwwe, sweetie... HUGS TO YOU! Talk to Zoe, she knows how much you want a baby- sometimes when I was really upset about things, it helped some. If you need to talk, know I am always here.

    ReplyDelete
  3. BreeJune 14, 2009 at 8:55 AM

    Kate,
    I wish I could say something to lift your spirits. Know that you're not alone in this crazy journey. I'm right there with you. One moment I feel dark and depressed and the next, light and hopeful. The thought of conceiving another baby is what pulls me through to the next day.

    I had a BIG margarita at dinner tonight. I'm 99.9% convinced it didn't happen for me this month. I'm still spotting, so I went in for a blood test on Friday to have my progesterone levels checked. I hope that gets all worked out by next cycle. I've already marked my tentative ovulation days on my husband's calendar, so he can be available then!! I really wanted to be pregnant again by Ella's 7/10 due date. :(

    I still have a very positive feeling that it's going to happen for you SOON. Rememeber, I have pretty good intuition.

    Hope today is a better day. :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. CourtneyJune 14, 2009 at 10:15 AM

    Oh Kate, my heart and prayers are with you. Sending you sticky vibes for your little follie

    *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
  5. Never forgetting GregoryJune 14, 2009 at 7:52 PM

    It is such an emotional roller coaster. The worst part of a treatment cycle is the story changing every day. I know you say you are not yourself...I am still not myself 9 months after my loss and don't know if I ever will be. I hope this happens quickly for you. Hugs.

    ReplyDelete

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