I read a thought provoking post this morning written by Kayla regarding a book called Dear Parents- Letters to Beavered Parents from Beavered Parents. Here is a short excerpt from the book; (thanks for the great book suggestion!)"I weary of hearing how brave I am. I weary of people saying 'I don't think I could go through what you've been through.' I'm no stronger nor weaker than they. We all do what we have to do when we don't have any choice. Sure, I act normal. Sure, I smile and crack a joke. That's not brave.......that's survival. They don't see me at night."-Sandy
How many times have I heard the words "you are so strong...I could never go through what you have gone through." I understand these words come from a "good" place and I truly believe most people do mean well. However, I am human and although I look like I am "doing so well" my pain is real. In all reality, what choice do we as beavered parents truly have? It's simple really...our choices are to live or...well...die. I know there have been times when I've truly felt it would be easier to be dead, but I would never act on that thought. Survival mode kicks in and you do what you must do to live. Does that make me brave? Hardly. I have no choice. There comes a point when you accept that life is difficult and make the best of a terrible situation. The death of a child is unexplainable to the outside world. Months pass and people assume we are better...cured from this painful disease called grief. The truth is...people are more comfortable thinking you are "over it or done grieving."
This reminds me of a shirt I saw at the march of dimes...the back said "You don't know how strong you are until strong is your only choice." So very true.
Strong is my only choice...survival is all I have.
Your words hit me hard. I hope I haven't been saying the wrong thing to the women I read who have lost their babies. I do know that there is no time table and I would never tell someone or think that it is time to get over it. The loss of a child is something that you will never get over or never stop grieving about. I love reading Erika over at: http://funfinns.blogspot.com/2009/07/silent-reflux-baby.html She has a new baby but lost twins a year ago. Having here new little Blythe gives her so much pleasure but the loss of her twins is ever present in her heart and her daily life. I will certainly be more careful of the words I choose when I am commenting. God Bless
ReplyDeleteI definitely agree. I've been told how strong I am. And every time I hear something like that I think about how wrong that is and am reminded that nobody can see how I am on the inside...anything but strong. It is all about survival.
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