Kate's Corner

A friend of ours is an amazing photographer and took some fantastic pics of River. Of course he had a great model, so I expected nothing less. ;-)

Amazing...simply amazing. I am soaking up every moment. I am so thankful for our little girl. So...introducing River Zoelle Mirth 8 pounds, 11 ounces and 22 inches long!!! Labor was long, hard yet amazingly wonderful. 12 hours of labor and just over 3 hours of pushing (these are the things the docs don't tell you can happen!!!) But we did it!!! Our rainbow is finally here safely in our arms.

It's been way too long!!! I have logged on here almost everyday and find myself unable to write much of anything. The words are in my head, yet transferring them to my fingers onto a computer seems daunting. Anyway...things have been good over here. My due date is in 10 days! I can't even comprehend this concept. 10 days!!! I am elated, thankful, blessed, excited, joyful, overwhelmed and SCARED out of my pants!! I can't wait to see her eyes open, to hear her cry. I am so excited to hold her to my chest and watch her nurse. I am overwhelmed with love and excited. I am also overwhelmed for the loss of Zoe. I wish she were here with us, but it isn't so. I am deeply thankful for Zoe's little sister....River Zoelle. I feel honored to be the mother of such beautiful little girls who have shown me so much in so little of time. I look forward to cherishing every moment with River, our sweet Rainbow baby. I can't wait to meet you River! My heart is overfilled with love. ...

Well...for the first time, in a while I had a fabulous, worry-free weekend (worry-free concerning the baby, that is!). My sister and I planned a surprise 50th birthday for my mom (yeah, my mom just turned 50). Might I add, she is FABULOUS!! It was so wonderful seeing the family and feeling like a normal pregnant person. For what ever reason, I didn't think about my cervix or worry about preterm labor or even delivering our baby early. I just felt great and embraced the moment. Sometimes you just gotta go with the flow. Mom's crazy hat and over-the-hill bib! haha I will be 26 weeks on Thursday! I can hardly believe it myself. I see the doc on Wednesday and I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't have me come back until 30 weeks. We shall see. I am so excited to say "HELLO THIRD TRIMESTER!!!" What a fabulous feeling!! 25 Weeks! Tim and I can feel and see the baby move all the time now. I am just so in love with this little bean! She should be close if not over 2 p...

Sometimes I fear that life never gets easier after the death of child. I fear I will always be broken by this tragedy. I have to remind myself that over the past 19 months I have managed to wake up everyday and continue to live. That is a huge accomplishment in my book. No one teaches you about grief in school...they don't hand out books about dead babies at the ob. We learn to survive on our own. Joining with others who have been down this path and fought this battle. I just hope one day I will feel normal again. What does normal even mean ? I haven't the slightest clue. I wish I knew. I have been having terrible nightmares of this baby dying. I woke up the other morning with this gut wrenching feel that she was gone. All I know is death...my experience is so much different from the majority of mothers out there. I am so envious of their ability to carry their babies full term and delivery a living baby. Why them? Why did their baby live...and not mine? What if it happens agai...

I can hardly believe it! 24 weeks!! I could only dream to get this far with Zoe...I am so thankful. We still have MONTHS to go...BUT....24 weeks seems like a huge milestone and I am thrilled. I love this little bean growing quickly in my belly. :-) We saw the doc yesterday and my cervix measured 3.0! Awesome. The only negative of the appointment was it did shorten to 2.7 after pushing on my belly. No funneling or dilating just a bit shorter. The doctor didn't seemed too worried since it is still in the normal range (lower side of normal, but we will take it!!!). We go back at 26 weeks!!! 26 WEEKS!!!!! 93 days until 37 weeks!! :-) The countdown continues...

It's hard to believe that I am 23 weeks and 3 days with our second daughter. It's a sensation hard to describe...I wish Zoe was here, but at the same time this baby wouldn't be here if she was. I am so thankful we are moving forward, even if it seems like the the days are dragging by. For now..here are some pics Little Miss Mirth 22 weeks and 4 days 22 Weeks!!! 23 weeks!!!

So I am all about doula's! First of all, being that I am with MFM (maternal fetal medicine) docs...the last thing on their mind is a medication free, vaginal delivery. As many of you know, I 110% for it (as long as it is safe for baby Mirth). So, to negate some of the medical vibe we are going to hire a Douala. We have interviewed one already and are interviewing the second today. I am really excited about the lady we are interviewing today. She is certified in Hypobirthing (the birthing class we are taking) and is very familiar with the hospital we will be delivery at. Very exciting stuff. On to other news...tomorrow is the exact date (23.3 weeks) we delivered Zoe. Monday morning I WILL wake up the most pregnant I have ever been. I love both of my girls. I am so excited to meet baby mirth...97 days until 37 weeks!!! Whoot, Whoot!! We see the doc again on Wednesday to check my cervical length. So far I feel really good. I am not having any contractions or pressure. I think my cerv...

Well, I am starting to feel a bit anxious about my cervical length. This week it wasn't as stellar as it has been...I am not jumping for joy about a length of 2.6-2.7cm. Hopefully when we go back next week all will be well! Lengthen cervix, lengthen! I am ready for it to be Wednesday already (my next appointment). I feel like I am walking on eggshells right now. Constantly wondering, is this it . Is this the last time I am going to feel her move. How sad. How sad that my perspective on pregnancy has changed so much this time around. Early on with this pregnancy I thought I would be ready to start the nursery and register pretty early. I am SOOO not ready. I am not for sure when we will be ready. I am just so scared right now. I have found with this pregnancy, it is more an emotional battle then a physical battle. For the most part I feel really good physically. I have had no bleeding (like last time), no cramping or irritable uterus (like last time). BUT...I have PTL looming over ...

Well...I had to see Dr. Unpleasant again this week because the other doc who was supposed to be there left for the day!! First of all, it looks like the kidney "issue" is resolving. Even upon resolution, Dr. Unpleasant made a point to remind us that it is a soft marker for chromosomal defect and the only way to know for sure is an amnio. Really? Are we doing this again? This time around I learned my lesson with her...don't ask questions!!! It sucks I had to come out of this appointment with unanswered questions...but I would rather it be that way then deal with her for longer then necessary. As for the cord insertion...well, little miss is still laying on her placenta so it's really hard to tell. The tech did get one good look and although it appears to be low, it is still completely in the placenta and not the membrane (a good thing!). So onto the not so settling news... my cervix is a bit shorter then last week. Every week up until now it has been measuring 3-3.2cm...

Well, I am 22 weeks today. I am the same gestation today as I was when my membranes ruptured with Zoe. In ten days from now I will be the same gestation with Little Miss Mirth as I was when I delivered our first daughter. She died an hour after birth. I miss you sweet Zoe. I love you to the moon and back.

Well, I am feeling mentally "better" today. Haven't even cried once! :-) I woke up today with a "screw it" attitude about the last doctors appointment. I know this baby is healthy and growing exactly the way she should. I can't let crazy doctors get in my head and make me scared for the health of my child AND preterm labor. So screw it. I am taking charge (well at least for the day) of my feelings and embracing this pregnancy. This is our last child (biological at least) and no sense in being completely scared and lying in bed all day feeling sorry for myself when NOTHING has gone wrong. She is growing strong! Anyway...so we chose a name!!! Yay!! We had it down to 2 names...and it's officially....A SURPRISE!!! Little Miss does have a name...but we are keeping it a secret. Actually one of my LBM's does know her name...but that's it. :-) We shared a few names with people and it seems everyone has an opinion. So...it's a secret! Happy 4th of Jul...

Well, I had my followup visit with the doc on Wednesday. It was awful!! First of all...going to a high risk office can be a bit insane at times. They are scanning the baby and checking my cervix every 2 weeks. Most of the time, all it does is make me a paranoid FREAK! So here are the highlights; I will start with the good news: 1. Amniotic fluid levels are perfect. My AFI (amniotic fluid index) was 12, totally normal. It was 11 in the hospital...so it didn't go down! yay! 2. My cervix is still 3.1 which is where it has been for weeks! Yay!! 3. Baby is growing fantastically!! Yay!! Onto the frustrating parts of the visit: 1. The doc I saw yesterday...well, lets just say I am not a fan of her. She has pushed and pushed genetic testing on us as if something is wrong! Every time I walk into that damned office they ask me about going to see a genetic counselor and having an amnio done. Why? The baby is showing NO signs on chromosomal abnormalities and further...even if she was we would ...

Okay...like I have said before, the next few weeks are my dreaded "what the hell is going to happen" weeks. It's like being in limbo! When you have experienced PTL, you know that is generally happens in the second trimester when you are at the mercy of time. Always wanting and longing for more time to get your baby as far long gestationally as possible. Anyway...so yesterday I felt like I was leaking a bit. Not a lot, but enough to notice. (TMI warning heading!!!) I have found that pregnancy causes an increase in my normal discharge, so sometimes it hard to tell what is really going on down there. So, I called the nurse at the office and told her the scoop. As soon as I reminded her that I had a pre term rupture of membranes (pPROM) with our first pregnancy her response was "okay...that's all I needed to hear...I am calling L&D triage and letting them know you are on your way." Sigh...oh great...here we go again. So at this point, I am not too panicked. ...

Well, things are still going well. I get my progesterone on Monday and see the doc for my check up on Tuesday. I hope we have an uneventful check up and most importantly, I hope baby mirth is happy and healthy!!

I find myself "flashing back" (if you will) to Zoelle's birth. All I can picture is handing her over to the nurse and kissing her sweet lips for the very last time. I can't even express the pain my heart feels. Tears stream down my face I as think back to the beginning of the end. I pray everyday that we won't have to endure such pain twice. Please God, if you are there, or real or listening or whatever, please keep this baby safe. I feel like I am in the throws of painful territory. Three weeks from now I will be the same gestation as when my water ruptured with Zoelle. In exactly 32 days (fingers crossed) I will be the most pregnant I have ever been. This pregnancy is polar opposite of our first. I feel great, healthy and despite the deep rooted grief I experience, I feel almost "normal." I will always be amazed how my sweet little baby of merely 24 weeks gestation changed my life forever. It's an unbearable sensation to deal with the death of a ba...

I found this today and it really touched me. I know most of my readers are bereaved parents, however, I found it to be so true. Sometimes I wish I could just send a mass email out to the world to let everyone know how we feel. We hurt. Even as time passes, my heart breaks for my daughter. It's hard to believe that it really happened. It's the kind of thing you only hear about...not the thing that happens to me . Not to our baby...but it is real. So painful and real. Sometimes I find that preemies are disregarded...as if since they were early, tiny and delicate they don't really "count." I have heard all of the insensitive bullshit...so ignorant not even worth mentioning. The comments hurt. Even being pregnant for the second time, the "Congrats to the parents-to-be" cards really offended me. Would you send that to a parent with a living child? Friendships change when you lose a child. Many people can't take it. They can't handle the pain of a gri...

It's hard to believe, but I am 18 weeks and doing really well! I am seeing the doctor every other week for cervical measurements and so far so good. NO CERCLAGE! Yay! I started my progesterone (p17) injections last week. A home health care nurse comes to the house, checks my vitals and listens to the baby's heart beat and gives me my shot. She spent over an hour with me going over PTL, nutrition, braxton hicks, contractions and baby kick counts. Lots of information. So essentially I am seeing either a nurse or a doctor once a week. Although I am feeling pretty good and even a bit confident...I most certainly don't take this pregnancy for granted...not even for a split second. She is our little gift. I pray everyday for her safety. I will never understand why babies die. It is heartbreaking...it's not fair. The next 6 weeks are big weeks for us. My water ruptured at 22 weeks with Zoelle and we delivered her at 23.3 weeks. Getting to 24 weeks is a HUGE deal. I am elated t...

Well..it's official, hello 2nd trimester! 1 down, 2 more to go. Hey, 1/3 of the way isn't too bad. We start measuring my cervix on Monday. To make a long story short, I had a bit of a traumatic doctor appointment with the high risk OB last week (it's too overwhelming to go into) but baby bean looks great! My cervix wasn't stellar, but they said it was still a little early to be getting accurate readings ( why did we check then...hmmm). At any rate, we go back on Monday to check in on my cervix and see if it lengthened or shortened. I am pretty overwhelmed with the thought of a cerclage, so if you have any positive stories out there...feel free to let me know! Here's a belly pic at 14 weeks. (please ignore the mess on the table! haha)

It's hard to believe I am 12 weeks and 2 day! This first trimester flew by! Hopefully it keeps flying on by. Obviously I want to enjoy this pregnancy (at least as much as possible) but at the same time...I just want to bring my baby home ALIVE. Wow...what is that going to be like. I can't imagine what it will be like to see this little one's eye's open, hear her/him cry, and feel her little chest rise and fall with each breath as I hold her close. I have been listening to baby beans heart beat now for a couple of weeks. It's my daily routine. I take comfort in hearing it gallop away. Being pregnant with this child after losing our first is most certainly a strange sensation. When people ask "Oh is this your first" I will always be true to our daughter...not matter the rude response. When this baby is born, I will always speak of Zoelle and her short time here on Earth that forever changed us. I still harbor jealousy towards others who seemingly conceive an...

Today I miss you, sweet Zoelle. I wish you were here in my arms. I wish you were taking your first steps, trying new foods and giving us kisses. I think of you everyday, and I miss you more with each passing moment. My heart is still broken baby girl. I wish I didn't have to watch you die. I wish we were together going on trips to see grandma and you aunt Em. I wish you were here so I could kiss your sweet face when we put you to bed. Daddy would play his guitar for your, I am sure you would love it. But our lives didn't head in that direction, and I am still trying to understand why. But know that mommy loves you so much. I love you to the moon and back, my sweet baby girl.

I have tried to write a post for sometime now, and I just can't get my mind to focus. This past month has super busy with school and work. Sometimes I think I am insane for going back to school. I am working on my masters degree in Nursing to be an Adult Nurse Practitioner. I am crazy, I am sure of it. Sometimes I think I keep myself too busy...busy enough not to think about the painful, scary emotions in my head. But, none the less, I am in school and I would really like to finish...2 more years!!! Yikes. So that's mostly where I have been...absorbed by school, and even annoying work classes. So I am sorry about my lack of comments lately on everyone blogs...please know I have been reading, and thinking of all of you! On an other note...baby bean is growing, thriving and doing extremely well! We are officially 9 weeks and 1 day! It's going a bit fast! I feel amazing...so different from my pregnancy with Zoelle....where anything that could go wrong, did...and I felt so ter...

Well, my 2nd beta on Wednesday was 308! Super excited! Who knows...there might just be two lucky charms in there. Everyone seems to think we are having twins...even my very fabulous IVF nurse. Only time will tell. One...two...whatever happens, I am just so excited to be pregnant. We have our first u/s on March 22nd where we will see how many we have and hear the little heart beat/s. Yay!! As of right now I have been feeling wonderful! I am having a bit of nausea here and there, but not too bad. I didn't get sick one time when I was pregnant with Zoe, so we will see. For now, just the normal early pregnancy symptoms and I LOVE IT! I can hardly wait to meet this little bean in 35-36 weeks from now! :-) So the count down begins...17 more days until our first u/s. Unlike my pregnancy test...I can't cheat and head to the office early for this one. What is a girl to do...ha!

So...my level today was 108!!! The nurse said that was a perfect, healthy number...not too high, not too low. Chances are good we have one little charm in there. Which is PERFECT. We won't know for sure until our u/s...but I have been thinking it's one...and a boy. I feel really connected to a little boy, and awhile ago, Zoe came to me in a dream and said we were going to get pregnant with one baby, a little boy, and things were going to be fine. :-) Sweet little baby of mine...comforting her momma even in spirit. It's strange to be pregnant right now...It doesn't feel real quite yet. It does, but it doesn't. I feel really secure about this pregnancy...almost at peace. I feel deep in my heart we are going to bring home a living baby. It's will be strange to be a mother of 2, one in spirit and one here on Earth. I love Zoelle so deeply, and miss her with each breath I take. I wish she was here to share in the joy of this new life. At the same time, the new life ...

So I couldn't resist!!! I tried! Yesterday morning I woke up at 4:30 with the urge! The urge to hopefully break our BFN streak and prove to be pregnant. Well, into the bathroom I went, gingerly tip-toeing across the hardwood, attempting to avoid waking up Tim. I slowing opened the home pregnancy test package, praying that what I have been expecting was true. There I was, starring at the test...waiting for the line to arrive (Where else to go during the wee hours of the morning...I was trying not to wake up Tim, or the pups downstairs!). Then it appeared, like a magic trick right before my very own eyes! The faintest of faint pink line. It was so faint, I thought for sure it wasn't real. I bursted back into the bedroom "Tim...Tim...are yo awake?" In reply "Kate, it's 4:30 in the morning, what the heck are you doing up?" "I just took a pregnancy test, there are TWO LINES!" Tim's first reply was "why are you testing already and why at 4:...

Okay...if I test early and it's negative...then I just totally freak out and cry. Thus, why I should WAIT!!! 9 More days!!! I can hardly contain myself!!!

So all in all the FET went well. We did have a minor bump in the road with the thawing process. Long story short, out of the six they thawed...only 3 survived (an usually low number, they were not for sure why). Of the 3 that survived, only one looked okay to transfer (I am referring to our zygotes, which are frozen upon conception. Those of the embryos numbered 1-3.) So we transferred #2, which our embryologist said with a typical embryo. Embryo's 4 and 5 are blast cells, which are embryos that grow to day five. When we originally had our retrieval I had 7 beautiful blast cells (along with 2 enormous ovaries and out of control estrogen levels, thus the FET)so they had to be frozen as well. :-( When they thaw the embryos they have to re-expand due to the water loss during the freezing process. So, embryo #4 is re expanding in this picture, and embryo #5 is fully re-expanded. #5, is a perfect grade A embryo, and our embryologist couldn't be happier with that little guy. He said ...

I can't believe my FET is NEXT WEEK! I seem to be waxing and weaning between optimistic and pessimistic about the outcomes of this whole process. Most of the time I feel like it's going to work. Why wouldn't it, right? A good predictor for IVF success is previous pregnancy...and although we did lose Zoelle due to preterm labor...I am optimistic the same tragedy won't strike twice (call me naive...but I have to tell myself it is possible to bring a healthy, living baby home). However, I most certainly have my moments when my brain gets the best of me. Last night, I frantically texted my dear friend, Bree expressing my flood of pessimism. She reminded me that this nagging feeling is normal, because the truth of the matter is I have been wounded. How true. Sometimes it hard to just chill the hell out and let this process take its course (I am getting a little impatient quite frankly!). I am doing all that I can. I wish I could see the future and know our baby will make i...

Dear Uterus, In less then two weeks our second pregnancy begins. Please keep our little embryo's safe and nestled tightly in your womb. I promise to provide you with proper nutrients, vitamins and water. Please stay relaxed and happy! A happy uterus makes for a happy mother. :-) I would greatly appreciate you behaving for at least 37 weeks. Dear uterus, I would like you to recite this mantra over and over..."I am like velcro! I am like velcro!" We can do this! Please be gentle with our little peanuts...this means the world to us. Thanks Uterus! Love, Your body!

Thank you Lisa for the beautiful pictures. They truly brought tears to my eyes. What a beautiful tribute to all of our babies.

For the first time in a long time I have a sense of renewal running through my veins. We are well on our way to a transfer in just a few weeks, and I can't wait. I feel so good about this working, almost confident (but lets not get too excited just yet! hehe). I have been waiting patiently (and not-so patiently at times) for this moment to arrive. My little tree of life has given me a gift...a new seed to plant. I am excited about the prospect of a new life growing inside...and furthermore a life very much connected to my daughter. I know she is with me every moment, and I know she is guiding our way through this process. This journey has been trying, exhausting, painful and heartbreaking. However as the clouds break and sun begins to shine through...I see ray of hope beaming relief down upon me. Motherhood to my angel has taught me 3 very tough gut wrenching lessons... 1) acceptance; accecpting the loss of my fertility, the loss of my daughter, the loss of even friends. Accepting ...

Well, my FET is approaching quickly, and I am more then ready to do this. Nervous, but ready. I have very much been focusing on postive thinking...well at least trying. Although it's not always easy, I do think there is something to being positive. For nothing else it manages to keep me sane. At the same time, my not so positive moments on here do the trick as well. Overall, I have a good feeling this FET will work...although that little voice in my head creeps in and starts talking shit every now and then (it's a balancing act for sure). The plan: I see the doctor on Monday for my baseline ultrasound and start my estrogen patch. I have been on lupron for 2 weeks now and just finished my BC pill on Monday. I keep reminding myself that of the few times I have actually ovulated one I got pregnant with Zoe and the other we retrieved 28 eggs. So the odds are on our side. As for my ovaries, they are back to normal (for me). So it would be fantastic to get pregnant and not have hyper...

Hey everyone...if you get a chance, check out Beth's blog. She is a WONDERFUL friend of mine who I love dearly! Beth and her husband and beginning their journey through IVF and is new to the land of bloggers. Hugs to you Beth!

Sometimes it seems I have no place to turn, no safe place to express how I feel (at least outside of my marriage, which most certainly is safe, but it's nice to express my feelings elsewhere). I want to be pregnant so intensely and I am so jealous of all of the people who I know that are pregnant. Honestly, it's hard for me...even a vast majority of the people I have met on here are pregnant. How do I express my feelings openly when the majority of those who read are pregnant? Here I am, and over a year has passed since Zoelle has died and I am not any closer. I am so frustrated. I wish I was pregnant...I would be so happy to be pregnant, and worry about what everyone else gets to worry about. But for some reason, this is not my journey. Even with my FET at best I have a 50/50 shot. I don't even know how to talk to pregnant people anymore. They are consumed by pregnancy, where I am consumed by non pregnancy. I fear depression is settling deep in my soul and I am losing myse...

Sometimes I get so frustrated! I think I am going to leave facebook...for good! Every time I get on there I am left feeling depressed. I swear all I see is pregnant pictures, baby updates and smart ass remarks how peoples kids are "driving them nuts." Better yet people complaining about pregnancy nausea or whatever...seriously? You think that is a difficult pregnancy because you are having morning sickness? How about trying for months to get pregnant, having ovaries so large I was on bedrest, a subchorionic bleed for weeks then losing my daughter at 24 weeks. Nausea? I wish that was the worst of my worries when I was pregnant. Maybe I am jealous...we have been trying for over a year to get pregnant and we are not. I sit back and watch all of my friends, family and coworkers have babies...living babies. I go to showers, birthday parties and whatever else I get invited to...yet here we are with empty arms? How can I not be cynical? I am to the point I don't give a shit if I...

I struggle with my journey. How did I get here? What am I supposed to learn? What is the purpose of my life? I seek answers to only discover more questions. I know I am not alone. For the last 2 years my life has been consumed with becoming pregnant, and now I am overtaken by grief. Grief for the death of my daughter, and grief for the loss of my own fertility. My energy is depleted and my heart is heavy. My focus needs to change...only I can choose to pull myself from this darkness. I accept my pain. I have embraced my pain. But my heart needs to begin the healing process. So I pray for peace, patience, and strength to continue down this journey. I pray that my upcoming FET (frozen embryo transfer) will end with a happy story. One filled with baby giggles, dirty diapers and long sleep deprived nights. Most of all, I pray for healing; mind, body and soul. Today I had a vision that Zoe came to me and told me we are going to have a little boy. I have never dreamed of Zoe or had a vision ...

One year ago our daughter was born alive and died in our arms One year later it hurts all the same One year ago I delivered a beautiful baby and left with empty arms Today my heart still bleeds One year ago my pain took my breath away, left me numb and cold Today, my grief remains strong A moment doesn't pass where I don't think of her The few moments with her were bittersweet I long for our daughter who life was cut short I miss you Zoe I love you I will always love you Happy Birthday to you, my little tree of life Tomorrow we are celebrating her birthday with a cake, releasing a pink balloon, lighting her candle and Tim playing her song. I can't belive it's been a year...an entire year without my baby. Sorry it is so small...but I at least go it to post!