Sometimes it seems I have no place to turn, no safe place to express how I feel (at least outside of my marriage, which most certainly is safe, but it's nice to express my feelings elsewhere). I want to be pregnant so intensely and I am so jealous of all of the people who I know that are pregnant. Honestly, it's hard for me...even a vast majority of the people I have met on here are pregnant. How do I express my feelings openly when the majority of those who read are pregnant?
Here I am, and over a year has passed since Zoelle has died and I am not any closer. I am so frustrated. I wish I was pregnant...I would be so happy to be pregnant, and worry about what everyone else gets to worry about. But for some reason, this is not my journey. Even with my FET at best I have a 50/50 shot. I don't even know how to talk to pregnant people anymore. They are consumed by pregnancy, where I am consumed by non pregnancy. I fear depression is settling deep in my soul and I am losing myself. Sure it's easy to agree with me and understand how I feel when you are not pregnant...but now I just make people uncomfortable. Sometimes I feel like my infertility is a punishment...I am here to suffer. I have this intense desire for motherhood, yet motherhood is unattainable for me. Why? What have I done wrong? I am so frozen by the fear of my next cycle not working, I am planning on NOT going through with it. Why would it work? I can't bear a negative pregnancy test. We cannot afford another cycle of any sort. My heart is broken, tears stream down my face. I believe that motherhood is such a beautiful gift, giving life is so beautiful. My desire is strong, my arms long for a child....most certainly my arms long for Zoelle.
In the midst of my anger with dealing with my infertility I am utterly annoyed by pregnant people. Sometimes I feel like how dare you for complaining. Sure we all have the right to complain...but seriously...AT LEAST YOU ARE PREGNANT! Do you know what a gift that is? I can't even fucking get pregnant!! Being an infertile woman, and a mother to a dead baby is just a horrible, terrible punishment. I wish my path was different. I wish I could get out of this funk...but I can't. I wish I could have just one more chance for my body to do things right. I am pleading with the universe, and the universe laughs in my face in return. Infertility and loss are deeply painful...
Here I am, and over a year has passed since Zoelle has died and I am not any closer. I am so frustrated. I wish I was pregnant...I would be so happy to be pregnant, and worry about what everyone else gets to worry about. But for some reason, this is not my journey. Even with my FET at best I have a 50/50 shot. I don't even know how to talk to pregnant people anymore. They are consumed by pregnancy, where I am consumed by non pregnancy. I fear depression is settling deep in my soul and I am losing myself. Sure it's easy to agree with me and understand how I feel when you are not pregnant...but now I just make people uncomfortable. Sometimes I feel like my infertility is a punishment...I am here to suffer. I have this intense desire for motherhood, yet motherhood is unattainable for me. Why? What have I done wrong? I am so frozen by the fear of my next cycle not working, I am planning on NOT going through with it. Why would it work? I can't bear a negative pregnancy test. We cannot afford another cycle of any sort. My heart is broken, tears stream down my face. I believe that motherhood is such a beautiful gift, giving life is so beautiful. My desire is strong, my arms long for a child....most certainly my arms long for Zoelle.
In the midst of my anger with dealing with my infertility I am utterly annoyed by pregnant people. Sometimes I feel like how dare you for complaining. Sure we all have the right to complain...but seriously...AT LEAST YOU ARE PREGNANT! Do you know what a gift that is? I can't even fucking get pregnant!! Being an infertile woman, and a mother to a dead baby is just a horrible, terrible punishment. I wish my path was different. I wish I could get out of this funk...but I can't. I wish I could have just one more chance for my body to do things right. I am pleading with the universe, and the universe laughs in my face in return. Infertility and loss are deeply painful...
Kate, I am so sorry. I don't even know what to say. I also have a friend who had a loss of twins just over two years and has had setbacks in getting pregnant. The drugs don't seem to be helping her. Every month she goes in for her drugs and every month we pray for a positive. Yet every month it is a very upsetting outcome. I am here on this journey with you. Prayig that your rainbow comes thru.
ReplyDeleteKate I wish that I had something poignant to say to you to somewhat help you through all of this. I hope you know how much your friendship means to me! My heart continues to go out to you and Tim!
ReplyDeleteALWAYS here for you dear friend! Love you!
Kate I am so so sorry. I wish you were pregnant too. I hope you do go through with your FET, and I will be praying oh so hard for you to get pregnant, and cross back over to the "other" kind of worry...the pregnant kind. And yes you are right, A LOT of people on here have gotten pregnant, or have already had their baby. As happy as I am when I see a positive pregnancy test for someone, or a baby coming home, my heart aches for all of us who are not pregnant or have not brought a baby home yet.
ReplyDeleteI love your new layout for your beautiful Zoelle. I wish I could make it better for you but I know nothing or nobody can do that.
Hugs to you,
Angela
I am so very sorry. You are not alone. I feel the very same way. All I want is to be pregnant again and being around pregnant women is very, very trying. Thinking of you and sending hugs your way.
ReplyDeleteI understand the frustration of dealing with pregnant people! I felt it when I was pregnant when people would talk about it being difficult to get pregnant (as in, "we tried for 3 months!"), I felt it when Colby was in the hospital and Connor had passed and all I wanted was for things to be different ("Ugh! I can't sleep! The baby kicks ALL nigh!") and I still feel it now even afterwards. I know I am so incredibly lucky to have Colby living-- my heart goes out to you. I know I am lucky- I have no idea what I would have done if I had lost both my babies or if I had been in your position and lost my only baby. Infertility is difficult enough to get through and it seems so unfair that so many IF mommies end up being loss mommies too. I hope so very much for you that your next cycle yields the happiness of a pregnancy. I know it won't erase the pain of missing Zoe or the pain of the struggle, but you deserve some happiness too. :)
ReplyDeletehi kate,
ReplyDeletei am so sorry for the loss of your baby girl.. *Hugs*
i understand some of how you feel.. i want so desperately to be pregnant too.. i was actualy thinking to myself a few days ago (upon taking a HPT and seeing just the one line) "when did my lifes purpose become getting pregnant".. i feel like it is all i ever think about..
i know that there is a risk any future pregnancies wont work out normally but quiet honestly thats a bridge i will cross when i am next preganant - geez i wish thats sooner rather than later!
i found myself in a really dark place on friday.. with the arrival on aunt flo impending...
i hope you are feeling better today.. you are not alone..
Lana
xx
Hi, Kate. I just found your blog, and I want to tell you that I understand. After we lost Grace, we suffered three miscarriages. It took us one month short of three years to get pregnant (and make it past 4 weeks) after the first time, and it was devistating.
ReplyDeleteI have no words of wisdom for how to get through it...just be patient with yourself. I really just wanted to tell you that I'm thinking of you and praying that you are pregnant again soon.
As for the blog world, this is your space to say what you need to. Those of us who have stood in your shoes certainly understand. We won't take things personally because we have all thought or written the same thing at some point on our journey.
You are not alone.
I'm hoping and praying that you and other mommies who are trying to be able to share some good news with us soon.
ReplyDelete