I find myself "flashing back" (if you will) to Zoelle's birth. All I can picture is handing her over to the nurse and kissing her sweet lips for the very last time. I can't even express the pain my heart feels. Tears stream down my face I as think back to the beginning of the end. I pray everyday that we won't have to endure such pain twice. Please God, if you are there, or real or listening or whatever, please keep this baby safe. I feel like I am in the throws of painful territory. Three weeks from now I will be the same gestation as when my water ruptured with Zoelle. In exactly 32 days (fingers crossed) I will be the most pregnant I have ever been. This pregnancy is polar opposite of our first. I feel great, healthy and despite the deep rooted grief I experience, I feel almost "normal." I will always be amazed how my sweet little baby of merely 24 weeks gestation changed my life forever. It's an unbearable sensation to deal with the death of a baby. So innocent and sweet...her life taken too soon. For what reason? I search everyday for such an answer, only to be left with more questions. The next month is going to be difficult. From there we are in uncharted territory. The land of the unknown. I hope we can navigate safely to the land of the living baby.
So...my level today was 108!!! The nurse said that was a perfect, healthy number...not too high, not too low. Chances are good we have one little charm in there. Which is PERFECT. We won't know for sure until our u/s...but I have been thinking it's one...and a boy. I feel really connected to a little boy, and awhile ago, Zoe came to me in a dream and said we were going to get pregnant with one baby, a little boy, and things were going to be fine. :-) Sweet little baby of mine...comforting her momma even in spirit. It's strange to be pregnant right now...It doesn't feel real quite yet. It does, but it doesn't. I feel really secure about this pregnancy...almost at peace. I feel deep in my heart we are going to bring home a living baby. It's will be strange to be a mother of 2, one in spirit and one here on Earth. I love Zoelle so deeply, and miss her with each breath I take. I wish she was here to share in the joy of this new life. At the same time, the new life
Oh Kate, I do too! I do too. Hang in there sweetie!((((HUGS))))
ReplyDeletePraying you can get to that land safely and reach the end with a live baby in your arms.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could fast-forward time for you! After knowing your story, 23 weeks was a big one for me. I'm looking forward to the day when we celebrate it's passing with a healthy babe tucked safely inside your womb. I'm sure Zoelle is whispering to her sister and telling her all about mama and dada!
ReplyDelete*hugs* 2010 wasn't my year. I still believe deep down in my heart that it will be YOUR year. All my love
ReplyDeletePraying for a full healthy pregnancy for you and the little one.
ReplyDelete