Top ten ways to help bereaved parents

I found this today and it really touched me. I know most of my readers are bereaved parents, however, I found it to be so true. Sometimes I wish I could just send a mass email out to the world to let everyone know how we feel. We hurt. Even as time passes, my heart breaks for my daughter. It's hard to believe that it really happened. It's the kind of thing you only hear about...not the thing that happens to me. Not to our baby...but it is real. So painful and real. Sometimes I find that preemies are disregarded...as if since they were early, tiny and delicate they don't really "count." I have heard all of the insensitive bullshit...so ignorant not even worth mentioning. The comments hurt. Even being pregnant for the second time, the "Congrats to the parents-to-be" cards really offended me. Would you send that to a parent with a living child? Friendships change when you lose a child. Many people can't take it. They can't handle the pain of a grieving parent. Fuck them! How do you think we feel? How do you think my child felt when she slipped away? At the end of the day, the only people who understand are those close to us and those who love us unconditionally. I am forever changed and most importantly forever a mother to a beautiful soul who's life on earth was short and peaceful. Zoelle, you are loved.


Top Ten List of Ways to Help Bereaved Parents
~ C. Bella Kennedy

ONE
Please don’t tell us to “Get over it” “Get on with life” “It’s been a while” “Let go”:
We know every second of every day that ticks by inch-by-inch. Days turn to weeks then months and years. We count every second of the days and nights.

NOTE: Don’t forget about dads: they are often neglected, silently feeling left out because everyone asks “How is your WIFE doing?” Men and women grieve differently and yes, Big Boys Cry. Don’t forget about siblings often left to fend and cope with the devastation and loss of their brother or sister because Mom and Dad are too consumed with their loss and pain. After the death of a child, parents will overprotect the surviving children. Single parents deal with grief and loss all alone.

TWO
Please don’t abandon us when we need you the most:
When the celebration of life service is over for our beloved children, your life returns to normal. We get sucked into a GRIEF FOG, searching and scanning for just a glimpse of who we used to be, oblivious to the world around us, lost and consumed with grief and pain tail-spinning with guilt, anger, shattered faith. Struggling with depression and thoughts of suicide. Questions – WHY did our child DIE?

THREE
Please don’t expect us to return phone calls:
Keep trying or drop by with a single rose. This tells us you care and are thinking about us. Remember to mention our Child’s name. Yes, we will cry but the sound of their name is a peaceful melody to our shattered hearts. In time our tears bring peace. Someday we will not erupt at the sound of our Precious Child’s name.

FOUR
Please remember when you are sending holiday cards to include our Beloved Angel’s name:
Example: “Angel Hugs” from … and place our Child’s name there. When you don’t mention our Angel Child, this is more painful to us. We believe you forgot and are avoiding the death of our beloved child. Holidays, we call them Hell-A-Days. They are a constant reminder that we are missing an important link. Sadly our lives depict the remnants of a once happy family. Precious Angels soaring free on the wings of our love, exploring heaven and the universe on a different dimension. Bonded forever through Heartstrings. Please remember our Angel Child’s Birthday and Angel Date. This shows you care.

FIVE
Please – when you are scrambling for words of comfort, SAY NOTHING:
A simple HUG, LISTEN to us. Talking with us about our children helps us heal. It’s ok, you can cry with us, at least we will know you care and are doing your best to understand our catastrophic loss. Share your memories with us about our precious children. Reflections help bring peace.

SIX
Please let us rant and rave:
EMOTIONS-IN-MOTION. Trust us – we can’t control them. We promise through grief and loss, we are searching for survivor skills, taking positive steps to cope and find HOPE.

SEVEN
Please don’t preach to us:
Our faith is shattered. We are humble and weak and many of us are “BOXING WITH GOD” and our beliefs. Wondering “Why?” and “Does Heaven really exist?” Some parents find great comfort through inner strength and prayers. As we struggle remind us to make ripples, not waves, through the floodgate of endless tears.

EIGHT
Please ask us what we need:
Take the time to reach out to us. Keep trying. Tell us you miss our time together. Make an extra casserole and bring it over for dinner. Many times we can’t perform the simple basic daily tasks; we just might need help with the laundry, groceries, dusting or cleaning. Simple chores become overwhelming.

NINE
Please don’t compare the loss of a child: to equal the loss of grandparents – parents – siblings – spouses or pets. The death of a child emotionally cripples us, holding us captive, bound by fear of the unknown. We feel like we have the GRIEF PLAGUE leaving us empty human shells. As parents we question our self worth. The death of a child assaults our maternal instinct. It’s the most horrific loss in life to endure. Unless you have lost a child, never say you know how we feel.

NOTE: Life for bereaved parents is altered forever: Grief work is hard. We are the navigators of this journey of GRIEF and LOSS, searching to find answers and the balance of silent memories… Struggling to give ourselves permission to LIVE and LAUGH again. This takes YEARS. Please be patient and more understanding.

“There is no cure for grief and loss. There is remission.”

TEN
Have you hugged your child today?
Life is filled with lessons, some more painful than others. We can’t control life lessons, but we are in control of our reactions and survival skills. There is no guarantee children will live long and productive lives. Life is a precious fragile gift!

~ C. Bella Kennedy