For the first time in a long time I have a sense of renewal running through my veins. We are well on our way to a transfer in just a few weeks, and I can't wait. I feel so good about this working, almost confident (but lets not get too excited just yet! hehe). I have been waiting patiently (and not-so patiently at times) for this moment to arrive. My little tree of life has given me a gift...a new seed to plant. I am excited about the prospect of a new life growing inside...and furthermore a life very much connected to my daughter. I know she is with me every moment, and I know she is guiding our way through this process. This journey has been trying, exhausting, painful and heartbreaking. However as the clouds break and sun begins to shine through...I see ray of hope beaming relief down upon me. Motherhood to my angel has taught me 3 very tough gut wrenching lessons...
1) acceptance; accecpting the loss of my fertility, the loss of my daughter, the loss of even friends. Accepting that although people do not understand my grief or pain and as a result say things that hurt me...it's not my burden to carry. I do believe that most generally peoples intentions are good.
2)Forgiveness; The hardest lesson I have learned is forgiving myself. Forgiving my body and accepting that although I feel as though my body let her down, forgiving myself is the first step towards healing. Zoe knows I love her and I didn't want her to suffer or be in pain. She knows I tried and fought for her for weeks. Forgiving myself is hard when for the past year I have blamed myself for her death. Furthermore, forgiving others. Forgiving people who have hurt me is a burden I am willing to let go. Not forgiving has turned into anger and resentment. I am exhausted. I am tired of being angry. Although I will never forget, I am ready to forgive.
3) Lastly, patience; Zoe has thought me patience and the baby I long to be pregnant with has most certainly taught me patience. If it were up to me I would have been pregnant months ago...furthermore if it were up to me my daughter would be alive. Ironically, understanding such a virtue takes time.
These are my gifts, lesson if you will from my little tree of life, Zoelle Hazel (the meaning of her name). I have prayed for peace, strength and understanding. Finally, I am navigating through this storm and I believe I am on the brink of a new day. I have been seeing the number 111 for months now...I see it everywhere. For the longest time I thought it was for my babies...3. Zoe the first then a set of twins. Now I realize it means forgiveness, acceptance, and patience. My 3 lessons of understanding. I love you Zoelle...I love you to the moon and back.
My friend Brenna gave this necklace to me for Zoelle's birthday. It seems appropriate to share with this post. So beautiful...
1) acceptance; accecpting the loss of my fertility, the loss of my daughter, the loss of even friends. Accepting that although people do not understand my grief or pain and as a result say things that hurt me...it's not my burden to carry. I do believe that most generally peoples intentions are good.
2)Forgiveness; The hardest lesson I have learned is forgiving myself. Forgiving my body and accepting that although I feel as though my body let her down, forgiving myself is the first step towards healing. Zoe knows I love her and I didn't want her to suffer or be in pain. She knows I tried and fought for her for weeks. Forgiving myself is hard when for the past year I have blamed myself for her death. Furthermore, forgiving others. Forgiving people who have hurt me is a burden I am willing to let go. Not forgiving has turned into anger and resentment. I am exhausted. I am tired of being angry. Although I will never forget, I am ready to forgive.
3) Lastly, patience; Zoe has thought me patience and the baby I long to be pregnant with has most certainly taught me patience. If it were up to me I would have been pregnant months ago...furthermore if it were up to me my daughter would be alive. Ironically, understanding such a virtue takes time.
These are my gifts, lesson if you will from my little tree of life, Zoelle Hazel (the meaning of her name). I have prayed for peace, strength and understanding. Finally, I am navigating through this storm and I believe I am on the brink of a new day. I have been seeing the number 111 for months now...I see it everywhere. For the longest time I thought it was for my babies...3. Zoe the first then a set of twins. Now I realize it means forgiveness, acceptance, and patience. My 3 lessons of understanding. I love you Zoelle...I love you to the moon and back.
My friend Brenna gave this necklace to me for Zoelle's birthday. It seems appropriate to share with this post. So beautiful...
You are amazing Kate. I cannot wait to continue on this journey with you my dear friend.
ReplyDeleteAll my love,
Courtney
What a beautiful post, Kate. You are an amazing person and mother. I am going to think long and hard about these three traits today- all 3 things I could work on. I am so excited for you, too! I love the necklace Brenna got you.
ReplyDeleteKate, I am praying that everything goes well. My friend just had a transfer as well. We are waiting for the results which will come around Valentine's Day. I pray that you both get positives.
ReplyDeleteThat's great Kate! I'm thinking of you and I think I'll work on those 3 things too. :) I think your necklace is beautiful!
ReplyDeleteThose are 3 great things that you shared. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteHello fellow Kate! Thanks for your comment on Busted, and I thought I'd come by and return the favor. Thanks for adding me to your blog roll, and I've returned the favor in that regard too :-) I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter, she is beautiful. My thoughts go out to you.
ReplyDeleteKate. I really really hope that this FET cycle is successful for you. This infertility road we travel is hard enough, let alone doing it with the memories of our beautiful children.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck to you.
Your lessons are wonderful- I hope I can navigate through those lessons just as gracefully. You are wonderful and strong and I am so hoping and praying that this cycle is your next miracle.
ReplyDeleteYou know we're 100% behind you, and that your sweet Zoelle is guiding the way as the FET approaches. I have a very good feeling about it, too! I'm so appreciative of the gifts Zoelle has given you, and feel we've gained a similar legacy from our boys (increased empathy, patience, understanding, learning to "let go" to some extent, forgiving ourselves and others...).
ReplyDeleteSending you lots of love!
B
This is a really amazing post! Thank you for sharing what you have learned. I hope that everything goes well for you in the coming weeks.
ReplyDelete