Sometimes I fear that life never gets easier after the death of child. I fear I will always be broken by this tragedy. I have to remind myself that over the past 19 months I have managed to wake up everyday and continue to live. That is a huge accomplishment in my book. No one teaches you about grief in school...they don't hand out books about dead babies at the ob. We learn to survive on our own. Joining with others who have been down this path and fought this battle. I just hope one day I will feel normal again. What does normal even mean? I haven't the slightest clue. I wish I knew.
I have been having terrible nightmares of this baby dying. I woke up the other morning with this gut wrenching feel that she was gone. All I know is death...my experience is so much different from the majority of mothers out there. I am so envious of their ability to carry their babies full term and delivery a living baby. Why them? Why did their baby live...and not mine? What if it happens again? As we approach 25 weeks, I still don't feel out of the murky waters. I am still fearful for her life.
I hate that my body failed Zoe.
I hate that I am depressed, bitter and angry.
I hate seeing newborns...and I hate that I feel that way.
I am sad today. Maybe it's the hormones...maybe it's a bad combo of grief, hormones and my underlying depression I have been battling since Zoe died in our arms.
Go away sadness and hurt...I want to be happy.
I have been having terrible nightmares of this baby dying. I woke up the other morning with this gut wrenching feel that she was gone. All I know is death...my experience is so much different from the majority of mothers out there. I am so envious of their ability to carry their babies full term and delivery a living baby. Why them? Why did their baby live...and not mine? What if it happens again? As we approach 25 weeks, I still don't feel out of the murky waters. I am still fearful for her life.
I hate that my body failed Zoe.
I hate that I am depressed, bitter and angry.
I hate seeing newborns...and I hate that I feel that way.
I am sad today. Maybe it's the hormones...maybe it's a bad combo of grief, hormones and my underlying depression I have been battling since Zoe died in our arms.
Go away sadness and hurt...I want to be happy.
I fear it won't go away either. I often worry that I'm permanently damaged... broken. There are definitely bad days wrapped in good days and it's hard... I'm afraid it will always be hard. But please remember that, though we can't take away the hurt and heartache, there are SO many people out here praying for you and your baby and thinking of your angel Zoe. xo
ReplyDeleteI wish I can change how you are feeling. I am here for you if you need me. I don't know how you feel - I've never been in your situation. But I will listen and I will support you as best as I can.
ReplyDeleteKate,
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean. Even as we were approaching Olivia's c-section date I hated walking to the OB floor for NST's, and seeing babies, newborns, and hearing them cry. I think people in general think you are "all better" once you are pregnant again. But none of us are dumb enough to think that pregnancy equals a baby. We all just hope, wish, and pray that is does. A due date and a pregnancy does not make a mother who has lost a baby feel any better. I know I didn't feel calmer until after Olivia was born, checked out, and deemed okay. And I still am freaking out ... but just in a different way. Praying that your Lil' Baby Girl Mirth goes to full term and is born happy and healthy to a great set of parents. Thinking of you lots!
i hate that we have no choice but to learn to survive on our own. if i hadn't found my babyloss sisters online, i don't know where i'd be. saying a prayer for your rainbow baby to stay safe and healthy.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're having such a bad day Kate. Unfortunately, the bad stuff is all we know, so I think it's all we come to expect even if we try SO hard to stay positive about things. I wish it were easier for you. Praying for you and your rainbow!! :) Hang in there...I'm always here if you want to chat!
ReplyDeleteI think we all battle these feelings every single day - in some form or another. Wishing you strength and peace, Kate and remembering sweet Zoe with you
ReplyDeleteI am sorry that you are having a hard day. But, it is so scary to want to be happy. Fear becomes a monkey on our back that we don't know how to get rid of. I hope that you find a way to remove the fear. After all you deserve to be happy.
ReplyDeleteHi Kate, I'm Julie's sister and found your site through her blog (Lazy Green Mama.) Anyway, I just wanted to let you know. . .
ReplyDeleteI'm preggers right now too- at 31 weeks. I've also lost a baby, so this pregnancy has been a bit nerve-wracking for me, even though I didn't really expect that. When I got to 27 weeks, I read somewhere that the baby had an 85% chance of survival if she was born that day. That helped me to relax a little bit. You're only 2 weeks from there, and things seem to be going well! (Now, at 31 weeks, I still worry about pre-mature labor, but now I'm up to a 90% survival rate. This little tidbit of info really helps me not to freak out, though I have plenty of those moments, still.) I think it's normal to freak out, get stressed, be sad or worried, and in my case, go completely psycho on my poor husband from time to time during the pregnancy. Then, I go through the baby things I've started collecting, remember her 90% survival chance, and things start looking up.
Hope this helps you, too!
I am right there with you! Loosing a child is hell, begin pregnant after loss can be like walking a tightrope over Hell, trying to balance in the world terrified you will fall in again. I am pregnant (14ish weeks) and lost my Amelia in March...I have not had a lot of time to even adjust ~ so I have decided to do a promotion/giveaway for Rainbow Parents to give me and other parents something to look forward to.
ReplyDeleteCome by and check it out. Who knows, maybe it will help you find something to look forward to. My blog is www.carriedthroughgrief.blogspot.com and www.beyondwordsdesigns.blogspot.com. Hope it puts a smile on your face!