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Thinking....too much

Sometimes my mind wanders into areas of baby land that are dark and scary. I can't help to think this could all happen again. My pregnancy with Zoe was so rough and ended so terribly, why wouldn't I think way? I worry I may hyperstim again with treatment. I worry I will bleed again and have an irritable uterus (yes there is such a thing!). I worry I may rupture again entirely too soon, maybe even sooner then 22 weeks. I am terrified of having a preterm baby....that survives. As horrible as that may sound, it is a long road for preterm babies, and for the families. Is it too much to ask for a "normal" pregnancy and a healthy baby. I know I have said this before, but the innocence and joy of pregnancy has been stolen from us. I wish I could feel...feel something other then fear and anxiety. I would love to be pregnant again, soon...but I am so scared about having our 2nd pregnancy end like our first. I can't imagine losing another baby. It gives me chills. So how do us angel moms deal with pregnancy after the death of our babies? Do you ever feel secure enough, confident enough to try again?

So here I am again, in the middle of the night...thinking....too much. I hope April is kind to me...this month is looming over my head like a storm cloud ready to burst. I am trying to focus on positive things...the March of Dimes and Moving. All I can think about is her and it makes me wonder, will Zoe ever have a sibling?

Comments

  1. Never forgetting GregoryMarch 24, 2009 at 10:46 PM

    It is NOT too much to ask to have a normal pregnancy. Unfortunately even the deadbaby mamas I know are dealing with anxiety and complications in their pregnancies. You are right about the innocence being torn away. It is a scary world when you know exactly what CAN happen and some days are much worse than others. It is possible to suffer another loss, but I just am trying to trust the fact that the chances of bringing home a living baby are higher than my chances of another dead baby. When you are ready to try again, we are all here for you and will be able to listen as you worry. Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  2. EricaMarch 26, 2009 at 7:18 AM

    Hugs Kate!!

    ReplyDelete

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