Today I am feel just "so, so." We are actually closing on our first home today, but it's hard to not feel bittersweet. I want to enjoy every moment and soak it all in, but it feels so strange not having the baby here with us. Tim and I have talked about this, and he feels the same way. We have both agreed that if Zoe were alive, moving would be the last thing on our minds. We would be getting her nursery ready, sifting through baby gifts, stocking up on diapers and waiting for her. When I think about it too much, it makes me nauseated. I read a blog today where she discussed her feelings of being in a nightmare. It must be the week for this, because I have read several blogs with that theme. I too understand the hell of living this nightmare. I wish I could wake up from the pain, wake up and be pregnant again, with Zoe. But I am not living a nightmare, I am living a reality I must learn how to deal with. All I can do is take each day a step at a time...way easier said then done. I agree.
This past week was really the first week since January that I have had any motivation at all. I actaully did laundry, cleaned, packed and worked on Zoe's scrapbook. Trust me, I can't tell you how little I have done since our arrival back from the hospital. Work seems to absorb the small amount of energy I do have left. Depression sucks my energy dry. Hopefully my motivation sticks around, at least until we move next week. If it doesn't, it's okay...I am greiving, and I am done expecting myself to "be normal"
Speaking of her scrapbook, it is turning out just beatiful! Not because I am some steallar, scrapbook pro...but because of the memories that unfold on each page, baby Zoe. I know each parent has different views on what to do with our child's pictures, I have chosen to share hers. I respect everyone's choice to do so and understand both sides...sharing or not sharing. Both are personal choices. For me, I have a desire to share her pictures and story, I would assume much like I would if she were still with me today. I am very protective of her pictures, however. If someone would ever express negativity toward her pictures, I would drop kick them in a second (you know me and my ninja ways!) Thus,why I typcially share them with people who would not say negative things. I have posted pictures on here, obviously, which I am very glad I did ( I did ask Tim first, and he didn't mind). I would never post them on my facebook or myspace pages...it just doesn't feel right for some reason. I will however, share my scrapbook of her to my family and friends. I am so thankful I have the few pictures of her from the nurses...they are so sacred to me. God, I miss her so much.
Well, speaking of motivation, I need to get ready! Then off to work. Hugs to all!
This past week was really the first week since January that I have had any motivation at all. I actaully did laundry, cleaned, packed and worked on Zoe's scrapbook. Trust me, I can't tell you how little I have done since our arrival back from the hospital. Work seems to absorb the small amount of energy I do have left. Depression sucks my energy dry. Hopefully my motivation sticks around, at least until we move next week. If it doesn't, it's okay...I am greiving, and I am done expecting myself to "be normal"
Speaking of her scrapbook, it is turning out just beatiful! Not because I am some steallar, scrapbook pro...but because of the memories that unfold on each page, baby Zoe. I know each parent has different views on what to do with our child's pictures, I have chosen to share hers. I respect everyone's choice to do so and understand both sides...sharing or not sharing. Both are personal choices. For me, I have a desire to share her pictures and story, I would assume much like I would if she were still with me today. I am very protective of her pictures, however. If someone would ever express negativity toward her pictures, I would drop kick them in a second (you know me and my ninja ways!) Thus,why I typcially share them with people who would not say negative things. I have posted pictures on here, obviously, which I am very glad I did ( I did ask Tim first, and he didn't mind). I would never post them on my facebook or myspace pages...it just doesn't feel right for some reason. I will however, share my scrapbook of her to my family and friends. I am so thankful I have the few pictures of her from the nurses...they are so sacred to me. God, I miss her so much.
Well, speaking of motivation, I need to get ready! Then off to work. Hugs to all!
I would love to see your scrapbook when you are finished with it. I posted the pictures of mine on the blog and was so happy to share my little one with the world. I understand what you mean about depression sucking the life out of you...it makes everything so exhausting. I have certainly had my share of motivation problems. Hugs.
ReplyDeletei think its great and beautiful that your scrapbooking her memories! I would do the same thing too! I just feel so awful that you have this bittersweet moment of moving in without your precious girl! I do hope your move and first house turns out to be a blessing to you and brings you much joy and happiness! Congrats on signing and eventually getting it!
ReplyDeleteI understand completely about being protective with your photos. I haven't shared ours with anyone but my husband, and probably won't. I think you're brave to share your sweet girl with those who love you, and love her--I'm sure it's appreciated. I'm so glad you have your scrapbook, too! It's important for us to have these special places for our precious memories.
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