Since the moment I was pregnant I knew I wanted to nurse. I love the idea, I love the thought of holding my baby skin to skin...I love the concept of nourishing my child and watching her grow.
Immediately after River was born, my BP dropped when they were stitch me up (i had a 3 degree tear). So when she was wide awake I was not feeling so wonderful. I tried to nurse during that time, but it just wasn't happening. We were able to get a good latch at the hospital...but my nipples were bruising and man-o-man did it hurt!! BUT...it was what I wanted and everyone tells you breast milk is best.
Once we made it home, we had an appt with the ped the next day. River was losing weight...normal for a nursing baby. So...we went back 3 days later for a weight check. Still not gaining weight. The doc told me to nurse every 2 hours...to wake her up if I needed to.
Okay...I can do this!
Back to the doc...still LOSING weight! At this point I had been calling the lactation consultant at our ob with no return call. I told the pediatrician I really wanted to nurse exclusively and was trying to get in touch with the LC at our OB. I was able to meet with the LC at the peds office. I broke down in tears. I was trying so hard and it had been almost a week and River was down 10% of her birth weight. So she told me to continue to feed every 2 and pump after each feeding.
Okay...pumping...here we go. Earlier then I expected, but whatever it took to increase my milk supply. I was A MESS!!! I barely could pump 3 ounces total in a DAY. I just had this feeling I wasn't making enough milk. PCOS strikes again!
So I went to a center specializing in breastfeeding about 45 minutes from us for a consultation. We weighted River before I nursed and after on each breast. I was right...I wasn't producing enough milk. Barely an ounce on each side and that took me almost an hour total of nursing!!! So she started me on the crazy mix of herbal supplements and said to nurse every 2 hours (which I was) and pump after each feeding (check!) and take my supplements 3 times a day.
So into week 2 the ped wanted me to start supplementing with formula. I was devastated. I actually couldn't even give her a bottle...it almost made me ill. I could just feel the postpartum depression creepy in, taking over me like the shadow lurking in a dark alley. I felt like a FAILURE!! I failed Zoe and made an abundance of milk for my baby who had died....AND...I was failing River. My body hates me. I was just sure of it. A sick mind game.
At this point River was just over 2 weeks and our feeding schedule was nursing every 2 hours, pumping for 10 minutes after nursing THEN giving 1-2 ounces of formula after each feeding. I barely was pumping any amount of milk at all because I was giving it all to her. So it wasn't even like I could give her what I pumped...otherwise I wouldn't have to pump to begin with.
Our next appointment she gained weight...not a huge amount...but she gained!! It was bittersweet for me. She gained, but not because of my milk, because of the formula. Some factory made shitty ass formula. I was heartbroken.
It got to the point where one night I laid on the floor upstairs and sobbed for over an hour. I cried...and I cried...and I cried some more. I cried that my body wasn't making milk, I cried that my body MADE milk for my for my sweet baby that died, I cried because I was tired, I cried because I felt like such a failure. I begged Tim to tell me to stop altogether. He was always so supportive of whatever I decided to do. He always reassured me that in the end it wasn't about how she was fed, but who fed her....her mother.
It has taken me over 4 weeks to write this post. It was that painful for me to write it down. I actually started seeing my therapist again for postpartum depression and the first topic at hand...NURSING.
River is 3 months old THIS Week!! I am more in love with her everyday. She is growing...she is healthy...she is happy...and she is ALIVE! Looking back, sometimes I feel like I could have done more. I should have tried longer, pumped more, whatever it was I should have done more of it. But I learned that it's not about nursing or bottle feeding...it's about bonding with my sweet girl. No matter how I am feeding her, I love looking down at seeing her big beautiful blue eyes. I love hearing her cute little noises she makes when she is eating. I love that she wraps her little hand around my finger when she is eating. I love that she is happy, healthy and alive! I pumped twice a day for as long as I could. But in the end I stopped because it was painful to see how little milk I produced. Exclusively formula feeding was the best choice for us. NOT nursing.
It's funny that a mother can actually grieve the loss of nursing. Knowing that my milk came in with no issues for my little one who had passed, it never occurred to me I would have a problem. I hate that PCOS struck again in my life. It makes me feel so abnormal. I should have known...I mean...I can't get pregnant on my own, so why should I be able to nurse my baby. It's a total mind fuck. The whole thing!
I hate getting judged for feeding formula. All of those crunchy-granola folk out there who want to judge me...kiss my ass. Never, will I judge a mother for the choices they make on how to feed their infant. I think if I were exclusively nursing, I would judge someone for giving formula (it's sad, but painfully honest). It's sad it took such an extreme for me to be open minded about such a personal choice (or not so much a choice). Even the formula I use has "breastmilk is best" on the freaking label. Thanks!
But is it best? When the mother lays on the floor and cries for hours, or is glued to a pump or stressed about her milk supply...is this for the best? For me, it wasn't. I had to move on. I had to move on for River, for Tim and mostly for me. I had to regain control and stop focusing on nursing and start spending time with my baby, my beautiful River. I am still sad that it didn't work out as planned. I have a very difficult time listening to people talk about nursing. I actually removed myself from a group on FB, because it's just painful for me. I hate the response..."it's not for everyone." That wasn't the problem...my PCOS kept my body from making an adequate amount for the nutritional needs of my child. That doesn't' mean it "wasn't for me." I think I am defensive and guarded because at the end of the day, I am jealous. I wish we were nursing.
That being said, there have been many beautiful things that have come out of formula feeding. River is gaining weight! yay! I love watching Tim and our parents feed her. I actually started to get some sleep because Tim and I both feed her now. And a good nights sleep goes a long way!!!
Immediately after River was born, my BP dropped when they were stitch me up (i had a 3 degree tear). So when she was wide awake I was not feeling so wonderful. I tried to nurse during that time, but it just wasn't happening. We were able to get a good latch at the hospital...but my nipples were bruising and man-o-man did it hurt!! BUT...it was what I wanted and everyone tells you breast milk is best.
Once we made it home, we had an appt with the ped the next day. River was losing weight...normal for a nursing baby. So...we went back 3 days later for a weight check. Still not gaining weight. The doc told me to nurse every 2 hours...to wake her up if I needed to.
Okay...I can do this!
Back to the doc...still LOSING weight! At this point I had been calling the lactation consultant at our ob with no return call. I told the pediatrician I really wanted to nurse exclusively and was trying to get in touch with the LC at our OB. I was able to meet with the LC at the peds office. I broke down in tears. I was trying so hard and it had been almost a week and River was down 10% of her birth weight. So she told me to continue to feed every 2 and pump after each feeding.
Okay...pumping...here we go. Earlier then I expected, but whatever it took to increase my milk supply. I was A MESS!!! I barely could pump 3 ounces total in a DAY. I just had this feeling I wasn't making enough milk. PCOS strikes again!
So I went to a center specializing in breastfeeding about 45 minutes from us for a consultation. We weighted River before I nursed and after on each breast. I was right...I wasn't producing enough milk. Barely an ounce on each side and that took me almost an hour total of nursing!!! So she started me on the crazy mix of herbal supplements and said to nurse every 2 hours (which I was) and pump after each feeding (check!) and take my supplements 3 times a day.
So into week 2 the ped wanted me to start supplementing with formula. I was devastated. I actually couldn't even give her a bottle...it almost made me ill. I could just feel the postpartum depression creepy in, taking over me like the shadow lurking in a dark alley. I felt like a FAILURE!! I failed Zoe and made an abundance of milk for my baby who had died....AND...I was failing River. My body hates me. I was just sure of it. A sick mind game.
At this point River was just over 2 weeks and our feeding schedule was nursing every 2 hours, pumping for 10 minutes after nursing THEN giving 1-2 ounces of formula after each feeding. I barely was pumping any amount of milk at all because I was giving it all to her. So it wasn't even like I could give her what I pumped...otherwise I wouldn't have to pump to begin with.
Our next appointment she gained weight...not a huge amount...but she gained!! It was bittersweet for me. She gained, but not because of my milk, because of the formula. Some factory made shitty ass formula. I was heartbroken.
It got to the point where one night I laid on the floor upstairs and sobbed for over an hour. I cried...and I cried...and I cried some more. I cried that my body wasn't making milk, I cried that my body MADE milk for my for my sweet baby that died, I cried because I was tired, I cried because I felt like such a failure. I begged Tim to tell me to stop altogether. He was always so supportive of whatever I decided to do. He always reassured me that in the end it wasn't about how she was fed, but who fed her....her mother.
It has taken me over 4 weeks to write this post. It was that painful for me to write it down. I actually started seeing my therapist again for postpartum depression and the first topic at hand...NURSING.
River is 3 months old THIS Week!! I am more in love with her everyday. She is growing...she is healthy...she is happy...and she is ALIVE! Looking back, sometimes I feel like I could have done more. I should have tried longer, pumped more, whatever it was I should have done more of it. But I learned that it's not about nursing or bottle feeding...it's about bonding with my sweet girl. No matter how I am feeding her, I love looking down at seeing her big beautiful blue eyes. I love hearing her cute little noises she makes when she is eating. I love that she wraps her little hand around my finger when she is eating. I love that she is happy, healthy and alive! I pumped twice a day for as long as I could. But in the end I stopped because it was painful to see how little milk I produced. Exclusively formula feeding was the best choice for us. NOT nursing.
It's funny that a mother can actually grieve the loss of nursing. Knowing that my milk came in with no issues for my little one who had passed, it never occurred to me I would have a problem. I hate that PCOS struck again in my life. It makes me feel so abnormal. I should have known...I mean...I can't get pregnant on my own, so why should I be able to nurse my baby. It's a total mind fuck. The whole thing!
I hate getting judged for feeding formula. All of those crunchy-granola folk out there who want to judge me...kiss my ass. Never, will I judge a mother for the choices they make on how to feed their infant. I think if I were exclusively nursing, I would judge someone for giving formula (it's sad, but painfully honest). It's sad it took such an extreme for me to be open minded about such a personal choice (or not so much a choice). Even the formula I use has "breastmilk is best" on the freaking label. Thanks!
But is it best? When the mother lays on the floor and cries for hours, or is glued to a pump or stressed about her milk supply...is this for the best? For me, it wasn't. I had to move on. I had to move on for River, for Tim and mostly for me. I had to regain control and stop focusing on nursing and start spending time with my baby, my beautiful River. I am still sad that it didn't work out as planned. I have a very difficult time listening to people talk about nursing. I actually removed myself from a group on FB, because it's just painful for me. I hate the response..."it's not for everyone." That wasn't the problem...my PCOS kept my body from making an adequate amount for the nutritional needs of my child. That doesn't' mean it "wasn't for me." I think I am defensive and guarded because at the end of the day, I am jealous. I wish we were nursing.
That being said, there have been many beautiful things that have come out of formula feeding. River is gaining weight! yay! I love watching Tim and our parents feed her. I actually started to get some sleep because Tim and I both feed her now. And a good nights sleep goes a long way!!!
I'm sorry you weren't able to nurse the way you wanted but I've very glad to hear that River is gaining weight. That is what's most important! Sometimes moms have to use formula and that's ok. I know I would have a hard time with letting go of nursing. I always hate it when moms judge other moms' choices like theirs is better than anyone else's.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear about your breastfeeding difficulties. I'm having a baby in June and really hope to breast feed, but after reading your post, I realize that it may be out of my control. Appreciated your honesty! Glad that you are enjoying your little one. Your anniversary is 1 year and a day before mine, how funny!
ReplyDeleteOh Kate, I hate it that you beat yourself up so much about this! A mommy that isn't about to have a nervous breakdown is more important than how baby gets her food supply. It sounds like you tried really really hard to breast feed, and I'm so sorry it didn't work out, given that it's what you wanted.
ReplyDeleteWere you formula fed as a child? I know I was, as were most of my friends, given the lack of support women received for brestfeeding back when we were born. (Funny isn't it, how things cycle? Back then the docs were pushing formula and my dad and my mom's in-laws thought she was crazy for wanting to breastfeed!) Anyway, we're all fine, and you know River will be a healthy, bright, well-adjusted child who knows just how much her mommy and daddy love her. That's what counts. ((Hugs))
PS--I really want to meet her! Let me know if you're feeling up for a visit some day soon. :)
Kate, I'm so sorry to hear breastfeeding didn't work out. I had a similar experience too. I really wanted to breastfeed, but didn't produce enough milk. I tried drinking lots of water, taking fenugreek and reglan, and of course pumping all of the time. I hated that it didn't work out for me, but we were much happier when I quit. I'm glad to hear you are enjoying your beautiful little girl!
ReplyDeleteI get this post. :( I faced low supply and flat nipples so I had to use a damn shield and its a huge PITA. I am just pumping, but its not exclusive. I went through a period where I was pretty depressed about not being able to do it exclusively...I just felt like I couldn't carry my baby like a normal woman and now I can't feed my baby like a normal woman. *hugs* If you decide you want to try again at some point I started a medication that doubled the little supply I have. Please don't feel guilty. You did what you could and your sweet baby girl knows that. *huge hugs*
ReplyDeleteI am also struggling with the breastfeeding. The pediatrician told me there was no shame in bottle feeding. So I am doing what is best for all. It has only been a few days but I am with you on how important we feel that breastfeeding is in our bonding with our little ones.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for this post. This exact thing happened to me. I just couldn't make enough. By the time my son was five days old, he had lost a solid pound from his 7,7 birth weight. He had been screaming for 3 straight days if he wasn't nursing. We saw the ped that day, and he gently suggested giving formula. For the first time since his birth, Knox didn't scream after finishing eating. You can probably imagine what that did to me on the inside, realizing that I had literally been starving my baby. I did the same schedule - nurse, pump, formula feed every two hours. I was getting so little sleep because the process took over an hour. I fell in a pretty deep depression because of my "failure". I finally had to stop pumping because it was just killing me to only get 3/4 of an ounce after 3 20 minute pumping sessions. I have come a long way since then, and it has required some time with a therapist and zoloft, but I have finally come to terms (mostly) with our situation. It wasn't by choice, but my son is exclusively formula fed and has been since he was 7 weeks old. I am thankful that formula is available to keep him healthy. Knox is now an active and healthy four months old.
ReplyDelete