Sometimes I feel like a broken record...but all I can think about is the baby and all I feel is emptiness. I am so jealous of others with their perfect belly's and their perfect little families. What about my family? Why did this happen to me, to any of us out there who has lost a child. It is all too painful to comprehend.I wish I could be happy for others who are pregnant. I want to be, I really do. It's not that I am even mad that other women are pregnant, I am just so deeply hurt by our loss I am consumed with sadness. I miss my baby so much, it feels like I am going to die! I can't wait to get through this year. I can't wait to say "I've made it a year!" Yeah, I am sure even then it will be difficult, because we should be celebrating her birthday not angelversary, but at least these first year milestones will be over.
Sometimes I feel like I truly make people feel awkward. I CAN'T WIN! If people ask me about Zoe, not realizing she passed I end up consoling them or they end up saying something stupid and hurtful. I make my pregnant friends fell awkward for sure! My one friend is due in April, and I haven't seen her since she moved 6 months ago...she was really nervous about seeing me. She is currently in Ohio for the week visitng friends and family. We actually talked about it and decided it would be too hard, mostly for me, to see each other. How terrible is that. I make people so uncomfortable it is difficult to see me. I know she was just trying to make me comfortable and do what's best for me. The truth is, I don't want to see her and her perfect baby-growing belly. It's just too painful.
I know I have a good life, and I am so loved, and I love so many people. But sometimes my life is very difficult, and I hate it. That was a moment I hated. We should be sharing pregnant stories and feeling our babies kick. Not talking about how difficult it will be to see each other...the freak who lost her baby and the friend that feels awkward seeing her!
So here I am again, another day, another broken record. Hopefully I am interesting or pathetic enough to keep reading. I guess it can only get better. All I can do is keep moving forward.
Awwwwe hun! You are not a freak. You are a mother, a mother who can't be with her baby. You are normal...everything you are feeling is normal... even though it doesn't feel normal. You aren't alone in getting upset over pregnant people. I had a hard time. A friend of mine, she got pregnant right before we lost angel. I finally went and saw her for the first time when her baby was 2.5 months old. It was a big step for me. (We talked about how our babies would only be 3 months apart and it just killed me knowing that my little one should be here) It's painful to see others with their newborn babies. I would actually want to beat moms up I saw in the store with their newborns...it made me sooo angry... now I look back and think, why did I want to hurt them? Perhaps I wanted them to feel some of the pain I was feeling? It will get better, but it will take a long long time. Perhaps maybe ask your doctor for some meds... it may help. I told you about my experience. I'm crying for you as I type this...I wish I could take away your pain. I am nowhere near healed myself... but hopefully someday, you will get to the point that you can live again... it won't be today, or tomorrow, but perhaps, months down the road... Take each day by day... It's good you are letting it all out.. that why you won't have any regrets later on for holding it all in. Zoe was a perfect beautiful little girl who will always be remembered forever. Keep moving forward, even if it's a cm at a time. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteoh kate...im so sorry you have to go through this! Do not feel bad for feeling this though...its normal and just part of the healing process! You girl is beautiful...i am looking at the pics of her right now! The day of when my first child was suppose to be born is coming up (april 7th) and just speaking about it brings tears to my eyes...it will never go away I dont think ... i think a piece of my heart will be missing until I am reunited with them in heaven...but i know as time goes by...this life will bring about many other wonderful things that I can cherish and hold on to! Your doing such a great job of preserving her memory and keeping her alive in your heart!
ReplyDeleteKate~ you are not a freak. I too felt that way, why is my body broken etc. But it is not your fault. Take the time you need, your friends should understand how difficult of a time this is for you. Sending cyber hugs to you and hoping the time will heal some of the pain. You won't ever forget Zoe, but the days will get easier. There will come a day when baby bellies and newborns won't send you crying. 6 months in to this there are still days that knock me down. What beautiful pictures you have posted.
ReplyDeleteI have felt the same way. It is natural to be jealous of other pregnancies. I am STILL jealous of everyone else who gets pregnant and I am pregnant again. I have also felt like a broken record because you can only describe utter grief in so many ways and the feelings are constant. I am sorry people are uncomfortable around you. I have had a friend nervous around me as well. It is so tough.
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