I can't even begin to comprehend how painful and yet joyful it will be when I am pregnant again. To state the obvious, I would never want to replace my sweet angel, Zoe, however we do want to have a family. I feel guilty even saying that because of course Zoe is part of this family, we are a family of 3, and if someone asked me if we have any children I would say yes. But, the truth is we do want to have another child.
I have toyed with the idea of writing about my journey to pregnancy here, but I am not for sure how public I want make my 2nd round of infertility treatments. I am sure, anyone how has gone through fertility treatments understands. We have seen the RE since Zoe died...and can I tell you how difficult it was to step into that office again. The last time we were there I was 12 weeks pregnant and we were saying goodbye. This past office visit was not so joyous.
The fact is, I am ready for a child. I deserve to have a child. Tim and I will be wonderful parents, and were wonderful parents to Zoe during her very short time with us. I don't know why this is my path and I have come to understand that I never will. I used to think there is a reason behind all of this, that God does have a plan and we are supposed to learn something through all of this pain...I don't believe that now. I am in too much pain to believe I should "learn" anything from this tragedy.
Anyway...I digress...to be pregnant again. I hope that our next pregnancy is different. I hope I can live through 9 months without going completely insane! Hell, I hope I can carry a baby for nine months!! My biggest fear with going through treatments again is hyperstimulation....a very painful, scary side effect of injections. Unfortuntely, I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and I have multiple follicular cyst on my ovaries, so I am at high risk for this side effect. When I got pregant with Zoe, my right ovary was the size of a small country, my stomach was so swollen from my ovaries and fluid, and I ovulated 5 eggs!! We almost cancelled the cycle, but after much discussion we went for it. Luckily I got pregnant with only 1 baby! However, I was sick for almost 8 weeks becuase of the hyperstimulation. It just totally freaks me out...but I know that it is a reality of the situation. I was off work for several weeks...that makes me nervous too. I really don't want to be off work again.
Work, lets talk about work. Another pregnancy fear factor! (sounds like a game show) I am a RN and I work in the ICU. My job is pretty physical really...I am scared to death to work again while I am pregant. Hopefully, when that time comes I can talk to my manger about going on light duty. I am sure my high risk ob will agree that might be the best option. Do I sound crazy or what! I just don't want to be lifting, pulling moving people around for hours on end at work...not with my history. I know my water rupturing had nothing to do with work, but it just simply makes me nervous.
Life is so strange. I never could have imagined I would be here, in this situation. It's the kind of thing you hear about, but never dream that would happen to you.
I have toyed with the idea of writing about my journey to pregnancy here, but I am not for sure how public I want make my 2nd round of infertility treatments. I am sure, anyone how has gone through fertility treatments understands. We have seen the RE since Zoe died...and can I tell you how difficult it was to step into that office again. The last time we were there I was 12 weeks pregnant and we were saying goodbye. This past office visit was not so joyous.
The fact is, I am ready for a child. I deserve to have a child. Tim and I will be wonderful parents, and were wonderful parents to Zoe during her very short time with us. I don't know why this is my path and I have come to understand that I never will. I used to think there is a reason behind all of this, that God does have a plan and we are supposed to learn something through all of this pain...I don't believe that now. I am in too much pain to believe I should "learn" anything from this tragedy.
Anyway...I digress...to be pregnant again. I hope that our next pregnancy is different. I hope I can live through 9 months without going completely insane! Hell, I hope I can carry a baby for nine months!! My biggest fear with going through treatments again is hyperstimulation....a very painful, scary side effect of injections. Unfortuntely, I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and I have multiple follicular cyst on my ovaries, so I am at high risk for this side effect. When I got pregant with Zoe, my right ovary was the size of a small country, my stomach was so swollen from my ovaries and fluid, and I ovulated 5 eggs!! We almost cancelled the cycle, but after much discussion we went for it. Luckily I got pregnant with only 1 baby! However, I was sick for almost 8 weeks becuase of the hyperstimulation. It just totally freaks me out...but I know that it is a reality of the situation. I was off work for several weeks...that makes me nervous too. I really don't want to be off work again.
Work, lets talk about work. Another pregnancy fear factor! (sounds like a game show) I am a RN and I work in the ICU. My job is pretty physical really...I am scared to death to work again while I am pregant. Hopefully, when that time comes I can talk to my manger about going on light duty. I am sure my high risk ob will agree that might be the best option. Do I sound crazy or what! I just don't want to be lifting, pulling moving people around for hours on end at work...not with my history. I know my water rupturing had nothing to do with work, but it just simply makes me nervous.
Life is so strange. I never could have imagined I would be here, in this situation. It's the kind of thing you hear about, but never dream that would happen to you.
Your right...your next baby will never replaced Zoe...although they will bring much joy and love to your life! I pray and hope this next pregnancy is filled with much joy and happiness for you! Because of your previous loss with Zoe... fear will probably try to grip you during the next pregnancy, but you can just take it day by day and be thankful for each day you have with your precious one and more than likely you will deliver a healthy baby nine months later! April :0)
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ReplyDeleteThanks April, you always have the most comforting things to say :-)! I think you should write a book, seriously!! Anyway...I met to ask you...how is your eye feeling these days?
ReplyDeleteSweet girl, of course you and Tim will be wonderful parents. I know that you'll have that chance. I hope we get to bring home our babies together next time around--who knows, the timing might end up being very similar! I know the next pregnancy will be scary for each of us, but I agree with April--all we can do is take it one day at a time and try to embrace the joy as well as the sorrow/fear that another pregnancy will inevitably bring. xxoo -Brenna
ReplyDeleteNobody knew much about our IF until after we lost Gregory also, and then it was so strange to be so "public". But all the innocence has been ripped from the situation. When we were trying to conceive again right away people assumed I was trying to replace Gregory. I always said...I am not trying to replace my son, I'm trying to minimize the painful amount of time that I do not have a child in my arms. I got pregnant via IUI and on our third cycle trying after Gregory. I hope IF can take a hike so that you can be pregnant again soon. I am definitely a wreck and in your words "completely insane" at times, but I'm closer to another due date and just praying for a living baby. Hugs.
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