Most generally, I expect too much of myself these days. I expect to "feel better." I expect make it through work without crying when I see prego girl due in April. I expect others to be kind. I expect myself to heal at a much faster rate than humanly possible. Not because I want to forget her, but because it hurts so badly to feel this pain. Truly, I am not for sure what to expect heading down this journey and all I know is what I feel and what I learn from other peoples experiences. I do know I miss my butterfly and wish she didn't have to fly away so soon.
Today we starting packing and we did so for most of the day. I actually expected that I would cry, but I didn't. Funny how that works. Sometimes my tears over take me at the inconvenient times...of course not at home when I am expecting them! We haven't packed the basement with all of Zoe's things though...alas, the tears will flow. Of course we didn't put her little urn away either, I will cry then as well. We should be placing her in her new car seat, but life didn't deal us that card.
Right now each day seems to be a little more difficult. I believe the situation has begun to settle and I am beginning to understand it's true magnitude. I do know my daughter has left a legacy of love... a trail of peace and friendship, despite the tears we shed. Her touch extends deeper then I can see or comprehend. Sometimes I wish I could see her just one more time, hold her and kiss her just one more time. I expect I would continue to say that no matter how many "one more times" I was granted.
Today we starting packing and we did so for most of the day. I actually expected that I would cry, but I didn't. Funny how that works. Sometimes my tears over take me at the inconvenient times...of course not at home when I am expecting them! We haven't packed the basement with all of Zoe's things though...alas, the tears will flow. Of course we didn't put her little urn away either, I will cry then as well. We should be placing her in her new car seat, but life didn't deal us that card.
Right now each day seems to be a little more difficult. I believe the situation has begun to settle and I am beginning to understand it's true magnitude. I do know my daughter has left a legacy of love... a trail of peace and friendship, despite the tears we shed. Her touch extends deeper then I can see or comprehend. Sometimes I wish I could see her just one more time, hold her and kiss her just one more time. I expect I would continue to say that no matter how many "one more times" I was granted.
beautifully written from the heart! Thanks for sharing it with us...your right...the brief time she was here on earth...she brought so much love and happiness to your life and for that I am sure you will always be grateful for...no matter how short it was...
ReplyDeleteTry not to be too hard on yourself. This is a pain that is incredibly severe. I expected myself to be feeling more "at peace" 6 months after my loss and I'm still so upset. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteYou're doing remarkably well, Kate! I so wish that I could give you that "one last time" with your Zoefly. You're a wonderful mommy to her, and I can't wait for you to get to experience that powerful love again.
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