It was 2 months on the 4th since my little one has passed away. I am actually feeling a bit numb. It is all too much to handle at times. I have decided that I don't want to hold a baby anytime soon. I would prefer the next baby I hold to be Zoe's sibling...no matter how long that may be. I know it sounds selfish in a way, but I just can't imagine holding anyone's baby right now, knowing that my own is gone. Nor do I want to hold another baby. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.
I keep thinking and talking about starting an antidepressant, but something holds me back. I keep saying to myself "I don't need it, I am going to start feeling better." Ugh, I don't feel any better. I am so angry that she is gone. Angry and sad. It's not fair! I have noticed too that I am very sensitive about what people say about her size. It drives me crazy when people comment about how tiny or small she was. I know she was tiny...she was only 23 weeks and 3 days when she was born! Of course she was small. I know they mean no harm, but if offendeds me. That's crazy, right? I just want to say...no kidding! I think I am sensitive because the few people that have said things are the people who have healthy babies. I just feel like they have no right to say anything to me. I am so jealous of their perfect living babies. I am never offended by people who have lost a child of their own. I feel connected to them and feel badly for their situation. (no one here has offended me) I think I am just cranky and overly sensitive! Speaking of being cranky, I just got off work, and I need to get some rest. Good night! Or good morning for most. :-)
Huge Kate. I have to say it gets worse, before it gets better. Way Worse... I was at Month 3 when I decided to get on an anti-depressant. I just couldn't take it anymore- I literally thought I was going crazy. You are not crazy for not wanting to hold another baby. Who can? Especially at 2 months from a loss! Well, people are going to say stupid things. I think people can't deal with death, or a baby that is smaller than anything below 5lbs!
ReplyDeleteAt this point, everything will offend you. I remember actually planning "revenge" in my head on the people who said hurtful things.
Do you think perhaps taking time off work, and just time for yourself may help? Or perhaps that may make things worse... I wish I had the magic words to tell you everything will get better... but time is the only thing. In a year from now, you will be feeling better- I can tell you that much... not "better", but more whole. Rest, take it easy, cry your eyes out, get angry and scream...
Oh Katie. I am so sorry you have had to go through this. I wish no one had to go through it. Two months…its still so soon…its still so normal for you to feel all those feelings…I remember a few months after my first miscarriage, I wondered if I was normal because even though the world around me had forgotten already and moved on…I was still numb like you said, and I still cried and hurt almost daily months after it…to this day just thinking about it, makes me cry. I wish I could say it will go away and you will be alright…but I believe it takes time…that Yes with time, things do heal and get better, but you will always miss your precious Zoe…how beautiful that you got to hold her in your arms! I am sure you’ll cherish that all your life until you hold her again in heaven! I also hope and pray that soon you will give zoe a sibling and that even though that sibling will not be zoe, it will still fill that aching in your arms and bring much hope and love back to your life! Do not feel bad about being sensitive to people’s comments…its been over 3 years now since our first and people still have a way of offending me sometimes…many times its people I know very well and they mean the best but they don’t know what to say and so usually it comes out wrong…no one can TRULY understand this unless they have gone through it! I will pray for you today that God will lift you up and give you some joy and hope as you go through this rough dark time in your life!
ReplyDeleteLove, april
I just found your blog and I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious daughter. We are living through hell and it definitely takes longer to start feeling better than I thought. I lost my daughter 8 months ago on June 4th, 2008, and I still have random days where I can't function, or I'm weepy all day. I wish none of us had to know this pain and I wish you gentler days ahead.
ReplyDeleteBabette
Kate: Take the anti-depressant. Trust me.
ReplyDeleteLove, Andrea R.
Thanks ladies! It's amazing to me how much our babies have impacted our lives. Despite all of this pain and how much I miss her, I would do it all over again in a heart beat. Quite frankly, I think we are all pretty incredible being able to share with each other and keep moving forward. I know for me, I will never "move on" but I will keep taking this journey day by day and pray I will continue to heal these wounds.
ReplyDeleteyeah, i do a low carb/low sugar diet! I can eat corn tortillas, corn products but not pasta and wheat anymore...corn based products i guess do not raise the sugar levels in your body like wheat and other products! So I try and eat as few carbs and sugars as possible ! I Have lots of mexican though just without flour tortillas!
ReplyDeleteI have a question and I hope you dont mind me asking...did they ever give you a reason why you lost your precious girl? Did they find out anything that you could do this time to prevent it happening again?
It happens. It seems like everything offends me. Things that most people would not think twice about hurt my feelings because my loss has changed me forever. I totally understand what you are saying. I have not held a baby since I held my son in September, and like you, I do not plan to hold anyone until it is my own child in my arms. Hugs.
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