Drawn to the ocean

A beautiful friend of mine wrote Zoe's name in the sand...what a wonderful surprise! I now have two pictures of her name in the sand, and I love them dearly. It's interesting to me because Tim has always told me that when he passes away, he wants his ashes to be scattered in the ocean. It's not what I would want for myself, but when that day comes (hopefully many, many years from now) I will fulfill that wish for him. It seems to fit now. I see a picture of my daughters name in the sand and it makes me think about the wonders of the Ocean. it's such a beautiful peaceful place, yet full of mystery and sadness. The situation around Zoe feels similar. Thinking of her brings me to a warm, loving place, yet I am saddened by her loss and miss her with every breath I breathe. Hopefully one day soon, we will visit the ocean and write her name in the sand and other little one's who have touched our lives through this journey.

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It's been a long time!!!

I can't believe it happened to me!

Sometimes I am in complete awe that we have a baby. I am so in love with River and I feel very fortunate! River is a really good baby; She eats great, sleeps well, smiles tons and is easily comforted when cranky. I am really happy to have her here. On the flip side, I am learning all of the beautiful things I missed out with Zoe. Bath time, reading books, cuddling, smiling, cooing, bites of new foods, so on and so forth...the list could go on forever. I still battle with postpartum depression, but I do feel like I am coming out on the other side. My sad days are fewer apart. I still feel terribly guilty that I battle depression. We have tried so long and so hard for a baby that it seems selfish of me to be sad when we have a perfect baby in our arms. HOWEVER, it's not the kind of thing I can control. I still have a lot of depression related to nursing. It hurts me that it didn't work for me...sigh. But, River is super healthy and growing well and at the end of the day, SHE is t...

Seraching for balance...

Wow...I have been a seriously slacker...again. I write on a private blog for River for family, but I find myself writing on here less and less. This blog helped me heal and grow through my grief...but I also know I am never truly healed. Zoe's loss will always be with me. These days I find myself struggling with balance in my life. I seem to be all over the place. After we lost Zoe I was searching to fill the void in my life. At the time, I thought getting a puppy would help distract my mind...it did. The following year we rescued a second dog. Now here we are with a 9 month old and 2 very high energy dogs. I have an extremely difficult time managing our husky, despite how much I love him. I feel like my priorities shifted in such a huge manner...I don't have the time I once did to attend to his needs. I feel like such a terrible dog owner, but at times I feel like it may be time to find Sawyer a new home. He is such a sweet, loving pup...but his energy level is OFF THE HOOK....

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