I feel very sad today. I miss Zoe. My feelings wavier from sad to angry. It's hard to believe in god when something like this happens. Why should I? What should I feel? Is god listening? Can god hear me? It just doesn't make sense. When you lose a child, a child that you wanted so much and loved so dearly, it is merely impossible to understand why god didn't intervene. It's funny how it all plays out...I was on several pray chains and prayer list and people prayed everyday...but for what? If prayer works, why would god chose to ignore all of those prayers and let her die? Let me guess...it was God's plan, and one day I will understand. I hope so...because when I meet god...I am going to have a few questions.
Well, my 2nd beta on Wednesday was 308! Super excited! Who knows...there might just be two lucky charms in there. Everyone seems to think we are having twins...even my very fabulous IVF nurse. Only time will tell. One...two...whatever happens, I am just so excited to be pregnant. We have our first u/s on March 22nd where we will see how many we have and hear the little heart beat/s. Yay!! As of right now I have been feeling wonderful! I am having a bit of nausea here and there, but not too bad. I didn't get sick one time when I was pregnant with Zoe, so we will see. For now, just the normal early pregnancy symptoms and I LOVE IT! I can hardly wait to meet this little bean in 35-36 weeks from now! :-) So the count down begins...17 more days until our first u/s. Unlike my pregnancy test...I can't cheat and head to the office early for this one. What is a girl to do...ha!
I've thought about this time and time again. We were on prayer lists for 6 weeks before our little girl was born early... I can tell you that I really didn't know where to stand for awhile, but the further I got, the more I tried to see it as my baby was in heaven with Jesus...that she has a purpose in heaven. My hubby on the other hand, still isn't sure where he stands...his faith has been completely and utterly shaken. I remember reading stories of woman in labor, that it stopped, their cervix closed and everything turned out fine... I would scream at God wondering... why that couldn't have been us??? Hugs Kate!
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