I feel very sad today. I miss Zoe. My feelings wavier from sad to angry. It's hard to believe in god when something like this happens. Why should I? What should I feel? Is god listening? Can god hear me? It just doesn't make sense. When you lose a child, a child that you wanted so much and loved so dearly, it is merely impossible to understand why god didn't intervene. It's funny how it all plays out...I was on several pray chains and prayer list and people prayed everyday...but for what? If prayer works, why would god chose to ignore all of those prayers and let her die? Let me guess...it was God's plan, and one day I will understand. I hope so...because when I meet god...I am going to have a few questions.
So I couldn't resist!!! I tried! Yesterday morning I woke up at 4:30 with the urge! The urge to hopefully break our BFN streak and prove to be pregnant. Well, into the bathroom I went, gingerly tip-toeing across the hardwood, attempting to avoid waking up Tim. I slowing opened the home pregnancy test package, praying that what I have been expecting was true. There I was, starring at the test...waiting for the line to arrive (Where else to go during the wee hours of the morning...I was trying not to wake up Tim, or the pups downstairs!). Then it appeared, like a magic trick right before my very own eyes! The faintest of faint pink line. It was so faint, I thought for sure it wasn't real. I bursted back into the bedroom "Tim...Tim...are yo awake?" In reply "Kate, it's 4:30 in the morning, what the heck are you doing up?" "I just took a pregnancy test, there are TWO LINES!" Tim's first reply was "why are you testing already and why at 4:...
I've thought about this time and time again. We were on prayer lists for 6 weeks before our little girl was born early... I can tell you that I really didn't know where to stand for awhile, but the further I got, the more I tried to see it as my baby was in heaven with Jesus...that she has a purpose in heaven. My hubby on the other hand, still isn't sure where he stands...his faith has been completely and utterly shaken. I remember reading stories of woman in labor, that it stopped, their cervix closed and everything turned out fine... I would scream at God wondering... why that couldn't have been us??? Hugs Kate!
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