I feel very sad today. I miss Zoe. My feelings wavier from sad to angry. It's hard to believe in god when something like this happens. Why should I? What should I feel? Is god listening? Can god hear me? It just doesn't make sense. When you lose a child, a child that you wanted so much and loved so dearly, it is merely impossible to understand why god didn't intervene. It's funny how it all plays out...I was on several pray chains and prayer list and people prayed everyday...but for what? If prayer works, why would god chose to ignore all of those prayers and let her die? Let me guess...it was God's plan, and one day I will understand. I hope so...because when I meet god...I am going to have a few questions.
So...my level today was 108!!! The nurse said that was a perfect, healthy number...not too high, not too low. Chances are good we have one little charm in there. Which is PERFECT. We won't know for sure until our u/s...but I have been thinking it's one...and a boy. I feel really connected to a little boy, and awhile ago, Zoe came to me in a dream and said we were going to get pregnant with one baby, a little boy, and things were going to be fine. :-) Sweet little baby of mine...comforting her momma even in spirit. It's strange to be pregnant right now...It doesn't feel real quite yet. It does, but it doesn't. I feel really secure about this pregnancy...almost at peace. I feel deep in my heart we are going to bring home a living baby. It's will be strange to be a mother of 2, one in spirit and one here on Earth. I love Zoelle so deeply, and miss her with each breath I take. I wish she was here to share in the joy of this new life. At the same time, the new life
I've thought about this time and time again. We were on prayer lists for 6 weeks before our little girl was born early... I can tell you that I really didn't know where to stand for awhile, but the further I got, the more I tried to see it as my baby was in heaven with Jesus...that she has a purpose in heaven. My hubby on the other hand, still isn't sure where he stands...his faith has been completely and utterly shaken. I remember reading stories of woman in labor, that it stopped, their cervix closed and everything turned out fine... I would scream at God wondering... why that couldn't have been us??? Hugs Kate!
ReplyDelete