My heart is breaking today. I am deeply saddened by the loss of little Zoelle. I am still no closer to understanding "why" today then I was 6 weeks ago. I do know that I am lost and broken. A piece of us has been taken away without remorse or without answer. I would like to think that this is not of some divine intervention or God's will. Please, God, please tell me you did not take her.
Tears are flowing down my face as I type...
We had a very difficult time becoming pregnant. I watched couple after couple get pregnant without any problem at all. I was asked the "when are you having a baby" question time after time, knowing that we were trying...unsuccessfully. The thought of stepping into the RE's office again is so painful. Infertility is painful in so many ways, and seems to laugh in your face. So many hurtful things were said to us while we were trying to conceive...people are so ignorant. I don't understand it, really. I longed for a baby, now I long for her...our baby.
Three days after I delivered Zoe, my body even longed for her. My milk came in...a cruel joke really. Here I was producing breast milk with no baby to share it with. My baby had died, but my physical body could not comprehend the complexity of the situation. What people don't understand is another baby will not replace her. EVER! People belive that though. "Oh, you are young, you can get pregnant again." Fine, maybe so, but what about the daughter I have. Does she not deserve to be acknowledged? Of course she does, and she will always be my daughter.
I am depressed. There is no doubt in my mind. I had my 6 week check up last week and I was asked if I felt I had post postpartum depression. Hell yes I do. My baby is gone! Who wouldn't be depressed. I am sad, angry, jealous, hurt and empty. She offered an antidepressant, I am not for sure if that will work. Here...take a pill this will take it all away! What would work is waking up from this hellish nightmare and being 30 weeks pregnant. That's what will help. Life isn't that simple...especially for me.
I pray this pain will get better. I pray that one day Zoe will have a sibling and the second time around will end on a less painful note. I pray that she will not be forgotten by my friends and family. I pray that she is safe and knows how much mommy loves her.
Tears are flowing down my face as I type...
We had a very difficult time becoming pregnant. I watched couple after couple get pregnant without any problem at all. I was asked the "when are you having a baby" question time after time, knowing that we were trying...unsuccessfully. The thought of stepping into the RE's office again is so painful. Infertility is painful in so many ways, and seems to laugh in your face. So many hurtful things were said to us while we were trying to conceive...people are so ignorant. I don't understand it, really. I longed for a baby, now I long for her...our baby.
Three days after I delivered Zoe, my body even longed for her. My milk came in...a cruel joke really. Here I was producing breast milk with no baby to share it with. My baby had died, but my physical body could not comprehend the complexity of the situation. What people don't understand is another baby will not replace her. EVER! People belive that though. "Oh, you are young, you can get pregnant again." Fine, maybe so, but what about the daughter I have. Does she not deserve to be acknowledged? Of course she does, and she will always be my daughter.
I am depressed. There is no doubt in my mind. I had my 6 week check up last week and I was asked if I felt I had post postpartum depression. Hell yes I do. My baby is gone! Who wouldn't be depressed. I am sad, angry, jealous, hurt and empty. She offered an antidepressant, I am not for sure if that will work. Here...take a pill this will take it all away! What would work is waking up from this hellish nightmare and being 30 weeks pregnant. That's what will help. Life isn't that simple...especially for me.
I pray this pain will get better. I pray that one day Zoe will have a sibling and the second time around will end on a less painful note. I pray that she will not be forgotten by my friends and family. I pray that she is safe and knows how much mommy loves her.
I'm so sorry you lost your sweet little girl. Everything you typed, I have felt and still feel. I have made blog entries touching on how difficult infertility is in the first place and how much it hurts to lose the prize you have waited so long for. I agree with you that people are ignorant. I have heard "you are young, you'll have more children" also. As if it would replace my son! And as if it is just that easy to get pregnant. I am glad to have found your blog, but so sad that new sad blogs like this are created in the first place. My thoughts are with you. =(
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you are feeling this way! I wish I could give you a big squeezey hug. Breastmilk coming in- i
ReplyDeleteagree is like a cruel joke, the body can be so mean. I think it makes it all
worse... I can tell you, the pain does get a little easier to deal with- as I am
almost a year out... but at the point where you are- it is hard. I actually hid...I
didn't leave the house for 3 months- except to go to doctors appt. After my D and
C months later (I never stopped bleeding), I decided to get on zoloft- though
getting off it was really hard. I have to say the zoloft did work for me for awhile,
but then it stopped, that's why I got off. I think it helped with the "worst" pain.
Doctors are cruel. They will say mean hurtful things. People can be so cruel too.
I think the worst thing someone ever said to me after Angel died, "So are you ever
going to have more kids, don't you think its' time to give braylynne a sister!" It's
like HELLOOO IDIOT- SHE HAS ONE!! You will always remember your beautiful little
girl! She will always be apart of you. As mommies we are the only ones who know the
exact way our babies move- how they grew inside us... NOONE can ever understand
that... but at the same time, Noone can ever take it away. I hope I said nothing
to upset you. I know sometimes things I say may come across teh wrong thing. Just
know I am here for you...if you ever need anything. Hugs to you Mama. May God help
move you towards the answers you are looking for- even though that can be a lifetime
journey in itself. Thanks for the beautiful words you left on my blog. (I tried leaving a comment the other day but it wouldn't let me, glad it does now!)