Sometimes I am in complete awe that we have a baby. I am so in love with River and I feel very fortunate! River is a really good baby; She eats great, sleeps well, smiles tons and is easily comforted when cranky. I am really happy to have her here. On the flip side, I am learning all of the beautiful things I missed out with Zoe. Bath time, reading books, cuddling, smiling, cooing, bites of new foods, so on and so forth...the list could go on forever. I still battle with postpartum depression, but I do feel like I am coming out on the other side. My sad days are fewer apart. I still feel terribly guilty that I battle depression. We have tried so long and so hard for a baby that it seems selfish of me to be sad when we have a perfect baby in our arms. HOWEVER, it's not the kind of thing I can control. I still have a lot of depression related to nursing. It hurts me that it didn't work for me...sigh. But, River is super healthy and growing well and at the end of the day, SHE is the most important thing...not what I feed her. I have to remind myself of that.
Both of my girls have taught me so many precious life lessons. life is VERY short, and sometimes life is unfair but this is my journey. Life is also beautifully precious and sweet. My girls have taught me that life doesn't always work as planned, and it's vital to not pass judgement on others' life choices.
(Random rant alert!!!) I feel as though pregnancy and birth can bring out the worst in people, sometimes. How we birth our babies is a personal choice and yet so many are out there criticizing others. I find it ironic that the holistic community is so "open minded" and natural yet the community as a whole seems to be so judgmental. If a woman tears...you pushed to hard and didn't listen to you body. If a woman can't breastfeed...you didn't nurse often enough or take the right supplements. If a woman has a c-section...it's her fault; babies are never to big for your body or in the "wrong" position for birth. I feel let down by this. I have always been a lover of the holistic community, yet through my experience with River's birth, I was left with a bitter taste in my mouth. Her birth was perfect and beautiful...however it was very long and trying on my body. She was almost 9 pounds and I had a very difficult time pushing. Does this mean I didn't "listen to my body." No...it simply means what it means. My chunky monkey put up a fight. I hate the pretentious attitude. After all, a SAFE birth is the best way to birth my baby. Anyway...enough of that!
The bottom line is...after years of infertility and the loss of our first daughter, I can't believe we made it to the other side. It's a bittersweet victory. I love you Zoe. Daddy, River and I all love you. Oh and Zoe, River LOVES looking at your foot prints that were imprinted in clay. They are in a shadow box in her room and we look at them everyday.
I was looking through pictures and I put together this little pregnancy collage...thought it was fun :-) (click to enlarge)
Both of my girls have taught me so many precious life lessons. life is VERY short, and sometimes life is unfair but this is my journey. Life is also beautifully precious and sweet. My girls have taught me that life doesn't always work as planned, and it's vital to not pass judgement on others' life choices.
(Random rant alert!!!) I feel as though pregnancy and birth can bring out the worst in people, sometimes. How we birth our babies is a personal choice and yet so many are out there criticizing others. I find it ironic that the holistic community is so "open minded" and natural yet the community as a whole seems to be so judgmental. If a woman tears...you pushed to hard and didn't listen to you body. If a woman can't breastfeed...you didn't nurse often enough or take the right supplements. If a woman has a c-section...it's her fault; babies are never to big for your body or in the "wrong" position for birth. I feel let down by this. I have always been a lover of the holistic community, yet through my experience with River's birth, I was left with a bitter taste in my mouth. Her birth was perfect and beautiful...however it was very long and trying on my body. She was almost 9 pounds and I had a very difficult time pushing. Does this mean I didn't "listen to my body." No...it simply means what it means. My chunky monkey put up a fight. I hate the pretentious attitude. After all, a SAFE birth is the best way to birth my baby. Anyway...enough of that!
The bottom line is...after years of infertility and the loss of our first daughter, I can't believe we made it to the other side. It's a bittersweet victory. I love you Zoe. Daddy, River and I all love you. Oh and Zoe, River LOVES looking at your foot prints that were imprinted in clay. They are in a shadow box in her room and we look at them everyday.
I was looking through pictures and I put together this little pregnancy collage...thought it was fun :-) (click to enlarge)
You are a terrific mother...and you doing the best you can. I'm sorry you feel that you are being judged for doing what you can. River is a healthy, growing little girl. What more can you ask for? I, myself, have always been a huge supporter of the holistic community, but as we know, unless they have been through what we have been through, in the end it's about having a healthy baby to care for here on Earth. Nothing else should matter. Sending hugs your way, always.
ReplyDeleteIt makes me sad that this is the way the "holistic" community makes you feel! I firmly believe that many women would make different choices if they knew more... and perhaps that's why you feel sad... 'cause you know so much and you haven't had your fantasy birth story/breast feeding. Regardless, you're right, a safe, healthy birth is perfect no matter what! And each of us should embrace our stories, share them, find peace and beauty in them and hope to inspire others! I wish you luck in the elusive journey towards peace!
ReplyDeleteI tend to ignore the words of others... no one else has any right to judge the choices (or NOT choices, but necessity or "it just happened that way") of another. Doesn't mean that the words hurt any less... I just pretend that they don't! :)
ReplyDeleteContinue to find peace and love in River and Zoe! :)
Thank for the comments ladies :-)
ReplyDeleteJulie, sorry to be argumentative, however I have to disagree with what you are saying. The fact is did have a beautiful, perfect birth. The choices I made where educated, informed and MY choices based on what was best for River and me. My inability to breastfeed has nothing to do with the choices I made during my birth of River.
Your attitude towards views other then yours is exactly what I am talking about. You assume that your way is the best way and if more women were educated about your way then we would all be delivering babies at home. Delivering a baby at a hospital, with well educated physicians and nurses does not in any way diminish the beauty of birth. My experience was beautiful just as your experience was perfect for you. Do please do not assume I did not have my "fantasy" birth. My fantasy birth was delivering a full term healthy thriving baby...and I did just that.
*huge hugs* Some things you just don't have control over like whether or not you tear, your milk supply or even if you have to have a c section. I was embarrassed to tell people I had a c section, but I look at it now and I did what I had to do to keep my baby safe and to all the naysayers...lets see what you would do in a similar situation. Lets see what they would do with a depleted supply Argh! *huge hugs*
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