Skip to main content

One Month



When I come to terms to terms with this
When I come to terms with this
When I come to terms to terms with this
My world will change for me
I haven't moved since the call came
Since the call came I haven't moved
I stare at the wall knowing on the other side
The storm that waits for me

~Tori Amos, Parasol

It's been one month today since little Zoelle passed away. It's terribly hard to believe it is real. I actually caught myself talking to my belly yesterday, thinking she was still there. Even after a month, I still can't comprehend it all.

While I was in the hospital I listened to Tori (my favorite song, Parasol) with Tim's giant, musician headphones. Sometimes I feel like she is singing to me, like she knows exactly what I am facing and how terrible I feel. I know that is a bit crazy, but nonetheless it seems that way. We played a beautiful Tori song at Zoe's memorial, Gold Dust. Tim actually thought of it...the song was perfect. While I was looking up the lyrics, I found this quote about the song from Tori...

"Gold Dust is very much about being other people and feeling how they feel. And feeling how you felt in another time, when you've been in another place. And it really isn't your past because somehow these frames are written on your body and they've made you what you are" ~Tori Amos

I guess we all have that artist who's musics touches are hearts. Tori is that artist for me.

Anyway...I miss my baby everyday, and I know I will continue to miss her for the rest of my life. I also know, one day I will see her again. And as my grandma said to me, she will be as beautiful as the day she was born.

I love you Zoe!

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My Beta

So...my level today was 108!!! The nurse said that was a perfect, healthy number...not too high, not too low. Chances are good we have one little charm in there. Which is PERFECT. We won't know for sure until our u/s...but I have been thinking it's one...and a boy. I feel really connected to a little boy, and awhile ago, Zoe came to me in a dream and said we were going to get pregnant with one baby, a little boy, and things were going to be fine. :-) Sweet little baby of mine...comforting her momma even in spirit. It's strange to be pregnant right now...It doesn't feel real quite yet. It does, but it doesn't. I feel really secure about this pregnancy...almost at peace. I feel deep in my heart we are going to bring home a living baby. It's will be strange to be a mother of 2, one in spirit and one here on Earth. I love Zoelle so deeply, and miss her with each breath I take. I wish she was here to share in the joy of this new life. At the same time, the new life ...
16 comments
Read more

Testing, testing,...1...2...3

So I couldn't resist!!! I tried! Yesterday morning I woke up at 4:30 with the urge! The urge to hopefully break our BFN streak and prove to be pregnant. Well, into the bathroom I went, gingerly tip-toeing across the hardwood, attempting to avoid waking up Tim. I slowing opened the home pregnancy test package, praying that what I have been expecting was true. There I was, starring at the test...waiting for the line to arrive (Where else to go during the wee hours of the morning...I was trying not to wake up Tim, or the pups downstairs!). Then it appeared, like a magic trick right before my very own eyes! The faintest of faint pink line. It was so faint, I thought for sure it wasn't real. I bursted back into the bedroom "Tim...Tim...are yo awake?" In reply "Kate, it's 4:30 in the morning, what the heck are you doing up?" "I just took a pregnancy test, there are TWO LINES!" Tim's first reply was "why are you testing already and why at 4:...
16 comments
Read more

Our Rainbow!!!!!

Amazing...simply amazing. I am soaking up every moment. I am so thankful for our little girl. So...introducing River Zoelle Mirth 8 pounds, 11 ounces and 22 inches long!!! Labor was long, hard yet amazingly wonderful. 12 hours of labor and just over 3 hours of pushing (these are the things the docs don't tell you can happen!!!) But we did it!!! Our rainbow is finally here safely in our arms.
14 comments
Read more