Kate's Corner

I am having a very sad morning....missing my baby. Sometimes I am not for sure what happens after we die, actually most of the time I am unsure. I do hope that we live on, that way we will all get to see our little angels again. I long to see her again. It's upsetting that she is gone in the first place. I have a feeling a am going to hate this month. Actually I am setting myself up to do so, I hate this month . I hope the old saying holds true...April showers bring May flowers. I just keep telling myself to make it through this painful month...I can do this. I do it for her, for Tim, for all of the people I love and hold near to my heart. For all of my PCOS girls out there, I am sure many of you understand the woes of irregular periods and anovulation. Well...after Zoe was born I had bleeding for a while, then it stopped for a week, and started again. At first, I thought it was just spotting...but I believe I ovulated and had a period! I actually am having my second period right n...

Today I am feel just "so, so." We are actually closing on our first home today, but it's hard to not feel bittersweet. I want to enjoy every moment and soak it all in, but it feels so strange not having the baby here with us. Tim and I have talked about this, and he feels the same way. We have both agreed that if Zoe were alive, moving would be the last thing on our minds. We would be getting her nursery ready, sifting through baby gifts, stocking up on diapers and waiting for her. When I think about it too much, it makes me nauseated. I read a blog today where she discussed her feelings of being in a nightmare. It must be the week for this, because I have read several blogs with that theme. I too understand the hell of living this nightmare. I wish I could wake up from the pain, wake up and be pregnant again, with Zoe. But I am not living a nightmare, I am living a reality I must learn how to deal with. All I can do is take each day a step at a time...way easier said th...

I am so excited! I finished our family team t-shirts for the March of Dimes. I think they turned out perfect! I have to admit, I am getting a bit nervous about the walk...I have yet to be around that many babies since Zoe passed. But, it will be good for me, and I will have the support of family and friends. I am glad we are doing this in honor of Zoe, sweet baby.

Sometimes my mind wanders into areas of baby land that are dark and scary. I can't help to think this could all happen again. My pregnancy with Zoe was so rough and ended so terribly, why wouldn't I think way? I worry I may hyperstim again with treatment. I worry I will bleed again and have an irritable uterus (yes there is such a thing!). I worry I may rupture again entirely too soon, maybe even sooner then 22 weeks. I am terrified of having a preterm baby....that survives. As horrible as that may sound, it is a long road for preterm babies, and for the families. Is it too much to ask for a "normal" pregnancy and a healthy baby. I know I have said this before, but the innocence and joy of pregnancy has been stolen from us. I wish I could feel...feel something other then fear and anxiety. I would love to be pregnant again, soon...but I am so scared about having our 2nd pregnancy end like our first. I can't imagine losing another baby. It gives me chills. So how d...

Like many of my infertility friends, we all feel it to be a waste of energy to mention the very pathetic octuplet woman. However, I was reading over an old post of mine, and looking back I totally disagree with myself. A bit comical...I usually only disagree with Tim! ha. I wanted to stress that I despise the octuplet woman! She gives infertile couples everywhere a BAD NAME! Her situation merely deepens the stigma of infertility treatments and cuts our wounds deeper. Of course the media and the right-wing crazy christians out there who believe God disagrees with treatments are having a field day I am sure! "It's God's plan...god will give you children when it is the right time." How many times have we heard that one! We all agree she is a freaking nut job. Honestly, I am only going by what people have told me, so I guess it is slightly unfair of me to judge her. My original post I actually felt badly for her and thought she was being a bit attacked...this is where I ...

A beautiful friend of mine wrote Zoe's name in the sand...what a wonderful surprise! I now have two pictures of her name in the sand, and I love them dearly. It's interesting to me because Tim has always told me that when he passes away, he wants his ashes to be scattered in the ocean. It's not what I would want for myself, but when that day comes (hopefully many, many years from now) I will fulfill that wish for him. It seems to fit now. I see a picture of my daughters name in the sand and it makes me think about the wonders of the Ocean. it's such a beautiful peaceful place, yet full of mystery and sadness. The situation around Zoe feels similar. Thinking of her brings me to a warm, loving place, yet I am saddened by her loss and miss her with every breath I breathe. Hopefully one day soon, we will visit the ocean and write her name in the sand and other little one's who have touched our lives through this journey.

This week has been difficult at best. Even though I have been back to work for 5 weeks now, everyday someone asks me about the baby. I work at a pretty big hospital, but small enough where you quickly get to know many people. Yesterday I thought I was in the clear when I was leaving work, but one of the girls from another department saw me...despite my ninja like abilities these days, I am always found! The enemy: "Hey Kate! When did you have the baby?" Ninja: "January 4th" (for some reason, I thought that answer would be good enough, end of conversation, I was delusional!) The enemy: "Congrats, what did you have? How is the baby doing?" Ninja: "We had a little girl, Zoe....uh...well...unfortunately she passed away. " (ehh, here we go right!) The enemy: awkward silence "Oh my God, I am so sorry, I didn't know. Well, maybe it's for the best." Ninja: "Yeah, well, I am a ninja...do you want to rethink that comment?! I have n...

Yesterday was my friend Erica's angelversary of her daughter Angel Sky. I have to come know Erica through this blog, and she has reached out to me from the beginning, sharing her heart and own experiences. Erica, I hope yesterday was kind to you and your family. You are in my thoughts and prayers! Hugs, Kate

Most generally, I expect too much of myself these days. I expect to "feel better." I expect make it through work without crying when I see prego girl due in April. I expect others to be kind. I expect myself to heal at a much faster rate than humanly possible. Not because I want to forget her, but because it hurts so badly to feel this pain. Truly, I am not for sure what to expect heading down this journey and all I know is what I feel and what I learn from other peoples experiences. I do know I miss my butterfly and wish she didn't have to fly away so soon. Today we starting packing and we did so for most of the day. I actually expected that I would cry, but I didn't. Funny how that works. Sometimes my tears over take me at the inconvenient times...of course not at home when I am expecting them! We haven't packed the basement with all of Zoe's things though...alas, the tears will flow. Of course we didn't put her little urn away either, I will cry then ...

Here are some pictures of the inside of the house... The cute kitchen The sun room Dining Room Living Room Now we just play the waiting game to close and move. We are going to start packing tomorrow! Yea!! So excited!

We are in the midst of buying our first home! We are both so excited. It is bittersweet for sure, because if Zoe were alive, I am sure we wouldn't be trying to move while I am 34 weeks pregnant. But, I am looking at it from a "new start" perspective. Now we have our very own home to raise our family, and bring our next little one home to from the hospital. Zoe would want this for us. This makes me very happy in our choice to cremate Zoe. I am so glad we can take her with us. We have discussed burying her, but we concluded we made the best choice for us. At least at this point in our lives. Anyway...I haven't posted a picture of the house yet because I don't want to jinx it or anything...but that is a bit absurd! :-) So here it is, a picture of our house! We are cautiously excited (we will feel better March 31st! We tend to attacked bad luck). We are closing on March 31st and Moving April 11th. We were going to move April 3rd, but this way we can take our time, p...

I can't even begin to comprehend how painful and yet joyful it will be when I am pregnant again. To state the obvious, I would never want to replace my sweet angel, Zoe, however we do want to have a family. I feel guilty even saying that because of course Zoe is part of this family, we are a family of 3, and if someone asked me if we have any children I would say yes. But, the truth is we do want to have another child. I have toyed with the idea of writing about my journey to pregnancy here, but I am not for sure how public I want make my 2nd round of infertility treatments. I am sure, anyone how has gone through fertility treatments understands. We have seen the RE since Zoe died...and can I tell you how difficult it was to step into that office again. The last time we were there I was 12 weeks pregnant and we were saying goodbye. This past office visit was not so joyous. The fact is, I am ready for a child. I deserve to have a child. Tim and I will be wonderful parents, and wer...

For some reason I had the urge to log on to my infertility forum. I forgot that I had one of those baby signatures that tell you how far along you are in your pregnancy. Today I would be 34 weeks and 1 day. It was sad to see. I miss you Zoe

Today I stopped and picked up the mail (at the end of the driveway) on my way home from work. This is a big deal for us, because we never go out to get mail! All of our bills and statements are online, so it is usually junk and I guess we think, "why bother." Anyway, I had a bill from my insurance...one of those statements that aren't really bills, whatever. Well, it was titled to "Baby Girl Mirth." It was our bill from her birth, how sad. It was very unexpected, ugh. I guess it leaves me a bit speechless, but I wanted to share.

Anger floods over me today as I near the date of my first baby shower. I hate that she is gone. I feel so angry... I don't understand it at all! I don't even want to leave the house today. I need to go to the grocery store and I am in desperate need of a hair cut...plus I work the next 3 nights in a row, so I need to get things done! I am simply angry. I am also exhausted...I slept all night and the morning away...and I am ready to go back to sleep. I wish I could motivate myself to clean, get dressed, go to the store, do some laundry and maybe even work on some packing around here. (we bought our first home!) but I am just too sad, too angry and too tired. Will a ray of light ever penetrate this dark cloud of pain?

I have wanted to do some type of memorial jewelry, and I have been looking for the last month with no success. I just wasn't for sure what I wanted. Well, over the weekend my mom and Aunt gave me a pandora bracelet with a little girl booty charm. So, of course I had to get Zoe's name on it. I am hooked! It will be really fun getting new beads for my bracelet as time passes. It's a really nice way to remember Zoe and keep her close to my heart. The bead on the left is the little boot and the bead on the right is her birthstone, a garnet. The next bead I would like to get is a little silver butterfly for each side. I just love it!

It was 2 months on the 4th since my little one has passed away. I am actually feeling a bit numb. It is all too much to handle at times. I have decided that I don't want to hold a baby anytime soon. I would prefer the next baby I hold to be Zoe's sibling...no matter how long that may be. I know it sounds selfish in a way, but I just can't imagine holding anyone's baby right now, knowing that my own is gone. Nor do I want to hold another baby. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. I keep thinking and talking about starting an antidepressant, but something holds me back. I keep saying to myself "I don't need it, I am going to start feeling better." Ugh, I don't feel any better. I am so angry that she is gone. Angry and sad. It's not fair! I have noticed too that I am very sensitive about what people say about her size. It drives me crazy when people comment about how tiny or small she was. I know she was tiny...she was only 23 weeks and...

Raining in my Heart Buddy Holly The sun is out - the sky is blue there’s not a cloud to spoil the view but it’s raining - raining in my heart The weather man says clear today he doesn’t know you’ve gone away and it’s raining - raining in my heart Oh, misery - misery what’s gonna become of me I tell blues they musn’t show but soon these tears are bound to flow cause it’s raining - raining in my heart But it’s raining - raining in my heart And it’s raining - raining in my heart

Sometimes I feel like a broken record...but all I can think about is the baby and all I feel is emptiness. I am so jealous of others with their perfect belly's and their perfect little families. What about my family? Why did this happen to me, to any of us out there who has lost a child. It is all too painful to comprehend. I wish I could be happy for others who are pregnant. I want to be, I really do. It's not that I am even mad that other women are pregnant, I am just so deeply hurt by our loss I am consumed with sadness. I miss my baby so much, it feels like I am going to die! I can't wait to get through this year. I can't wait to say "I've made it a year!" Yeah, I am sure even then it will be difficult, because we should be celebrating her birthday not angelversary, but at least these first year milestones will be over. Sometimes I feel like I truly make people feel awkward. I CAN'T WIN! If people ask me about Zoe, not realizing she passed I end u...