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Drained

Thank everyone for all of you comments and support regarding our upcoming IVF journey. Thank you so much!!

This week I have felt completely introverted, drained and overwhelmed. My thoughts are unclear and I am desperately wishing for some clarity or insight. crystal ball, anyone? anyone? Tim had a dream last week that we had twin girls. Twins, singleton, boy, girl or any combo will be fine by me...my wish is a healthy pregnancy and full term baby/babies.

Work seems to be consuming all of my energy lately. Unfortunately I had an OB patient the other night at work. sigh. Of course.

I hate that I am jealous of those with their cute babies and growing bellies. I am trying to be understanding and patient but the universe has a way of slapping me in the face! I am not ready for the holidays this year. I am not ready to see my SIL baby who's due date is the day before Tim's birthday. Last year on Tim's birthday we found out Zoe was a little girl...and it was our own little secret until Christmas. It was amazing!! I hate that my water broke on Christmas...how do I ever enjoy Christmas time again? I hate that she died the day after my dad's Birthday. I hate she is gone after working so very hard to get her here. I have no plans of holding any babies any time soon. No way! I have no plans on going anywhere this year for the holidays. If people can't handle it...well too bad. I guess I am a bitch.

My infertility is a painful reminder of how my body has failed me time and again. My body failed Zoe. I pray that next time around, my body will do it's job and keep our baby safe. I pray we get pregnant with the first cycle of IVF.

Comments

  1. MaryJuly 30, 2009 at 1:44 PM

    I'm fearing and crying about the holidays too and we are 5 months away.

    Kate I am praying that you will one day have a baby of your very own again.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Akul's mamaJuly 30, 2009 at 2:32 PM

    We have a childless home and I know how hard it is to live in it after losing a baby. I have so many issues with having babies that at times I feel like hiding from this whole parenthood thing. Kate, if you can email me your phone number (Akulmama@yahoo.com) , I would like to talk to you..provided you are comfortable doing so... Hugssssssss becoz IVF is so emotionally draining.

    ReplyDelete
  3. CourtneyJuly 30, 2009 at 3:53 PM

    Always thing and praying for you girl.

    *hugs*
    Love yah

    ReplyDelete
  4. AngelaJuly 30, 2009 at 5:31 PM

    I feel the same as you, I am NOT ready for Christmas. I was so blissfully happy this last holiday season, and this time I will be happy if it just goes by fast. And I don't plan on doing a whole lot either, especially with people. I don't care what anyone thinks!

    ReplyDelete
  5. BreeJuly 30, 2009 at 6:06 PM

    Hey- I don't know why my dashboard didn't show you posted. In sorry you're feeling so down. I wish I was there and we could go eat something fattening, gush over our babies, and make fun of smug preggys. I banned holidays last year after losing my dad and they are so off this year too. Hopefully, we'll spend Xmas baking our lil' babies.
    Just wanted to tell you, Akul's mama is an IRL friend. She and I met at our support group. She's a very nice lady who conceived her son with IVF.
    Sending you lots of love!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. DonnaJuly 31, 2009 at 3:27 AM

    The holidays can be so hard especially with a little one in the family. Do what you can. If you don't feel like doing anything at all - that will be OK too. Everyone will understand that it's hard for you and your husband, especially in the first year. I hope you can find some peace! ((HUGS))

    ReplyDelete

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