I find myself "flashing back" (if you will) to Zoelle's birth. All I can picture is handing her over to the nurse and kissing her sweet lips for the very last time. I can't even express the pain my heart feels. Tears stream down my face I as think back to the beginning of the end. I pray everyday that we won't have to endure such pain twice. Please God, if you are there, or real or listening or whatever, please keep this baby safe. I feel like I am in the throws of painful territory. Three weeks from now I will be the same gestation as when my water ruptured with Zoelle. In exactly 32 days (fingers crossed) I will be the most pregnant I have ever been. This pregnancy is polar opposite of our first. I feel great, healthy and despite the deep rooted grief I experience, I feel almost "normal." I will always be amazed how my sweet little baby of merely 24 weeks gestation changed my life forever. It's an unbearable sensation to deal with the death of a baby. So innocent and sweet...her life taken too soon. For what reason? I search everyday for such an answer, only to be left with more questions. The next month is going to be difficult. From there we are in uncharted territory. The land of the unknown. I hope we can navigate safely to the land of the living baby.
So I couldn't resist!!! I tried! Yesterday morning I woke up at 4:30 with the urge! The urge to hopefully break our BFN streak and prove to be pregnant. Well, into the bathroom I went, gingerly tip-toeing across the hardwood, attempting to avoid waking up Tim. I slowing opened the home pregnancy test package, praying that what I have been expecting was true. There I was, starring at the test...waiting for the line to arrive (Where else to go during the wee hours of the morning...I was trying not to wake up Tim, or the pups downstairs!). Then it appeared, like a magic trick right before my very own eyes! The faintest of faint pink line. It was so faint, I thought for sure it wasn't real. I bursted back into the bedroom "Tim...Tim...are yo awake?" In reply "Kate, it's 4:30 in the morning, what the heck are you doing up?" "I just took a pregnancy test, there are TWO LINES!" Tim's first reply was "why are you testing already and why at 4:...
Oh Kate, I do too! I do too. Hang in there sweetie!((((HUGS))))
ReplyDeletePraying you can get to that land safely and reach the end with a live baby in your arms.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could fast-forward time for you! After knowing your story, 23 weeks was a big one for me. I'm looking forward to the day when we celebrate it's passing with a healthy babe tucked safely inside your womb. I'm sure Zoelle is whispering to her sister and telling her all about mama and dada!
ReplyDelete*hugs* 2010 wasn't my year. I still believe deep down in my heart that it will be YOUR year. All my love
ReplyDeletePraying for a full healthy pregnancy for you and the little one.
ReplyDelete