Skip to main content

From the outside looking in

My body and mind feel numb. Numb to every thought and feeling, expect my pain and sadness. I can fight this. For nothing else I have faith in myself that although I am lost and consumed with the death of my daughter...I know I can fight this. My mind is fuzzy and my heart continues to break. I wish I felt "normal." Although I can't distinguish what normal truly is for me. I am grasping to the rocks, holding on with my fingertips, but I know my safety line is attached, and I know I am safe. I feel like I am watching myself live my life. I am living from the outside looking in. I ask myself, "what would make me happy?" My daughter, my beautiful Zoelle. My little butterfly lived and died and a part of me died with her. I miss you little one.

Comments

  1. CourtneyMay 17, 2009 at 11:53 AM

    I had this very same feeling a few weeks after having the boys. Like life was going on without me and I was standing on the sidelines just watching it go on. I think its very similar to post traumatic stress syndrome that War vets go through when they come home after war. Something so traumatic that affects the mind body and soul.

    It was affecting me to the point of I could not drive because I did not feel in control of my body. I did some reasearch about it online and it says the best thing to do is to just acknowledge the feeling and don't dwell on it. Easier said than done. The feeling did finally ease up on me after about a month or so.

    I wish this could be easier hon. I wish we didn't have to go through this pain and heartache. We should have our babies here with us.

    *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
  2. birMay 17, 2009 at 10:45 PM

    I know Kate.
    I just wanted to drop you a quick comment to let you know that I've found your blog and send you hugs and prayers. I haven't had a chance to read all of your posts yet, but want to say that Zoelle is such a beautiful name.

    http://allthelittleponies.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  3. BreeMay 18, 2009 at 10:08 PM

    Hi Kate
    Its so nice to "meet" you. Thank you for the sweet comments you've left on my blog. I actually visited your blog before, so its funny that you ended up on mine. I tried to leave you a comment yesterday, but not sure it went through. Ive been blogging from my ipod. This blog thing is amazing. I don't know where I'd be in this process without it.
    You're little Zoelle is beautiful. I hope she and Ella are fluttering about together. This sounds crazy, but it comforts me to know all about the other babies who are with Ella.
    Sending you a big hug.
    Bree

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My Beta

So...my level today was 108!!! The nurse said that was a perfect, healthy number...not too high, not too low. Chances are good we have one little charm in there. Which is PERFECT. We won't know for sure until our u/s...but I have been thinking it's one...and a boy. I feel really connected to a little boy, and awhile ago, Zoe came to me in a dream and said we were going to get pregnant with one baby, a little boy, and things were going to be fine. :-) Sweet little baby of mine...comforting her momma even in spirit. It's strange to be pregnant right now...It doesn't feel real quite yet. It does, but it doesn't. I feel really secure about this pregnancy...almost at peace. I feel deep in my heart we are going to bring home a living baby. It's will be strange to be a mother of 2, one in spirit and one here on Earth. I love Zoelle so deeply, and miss her with each breath I take. I wish she was here to share in the joy of this new life. At the same time, the new life ...
16 comments
Read more

Testing, testing,...1...2...3

So I couldn't resist!!! I tried! Yesterday morning I woke up at 4:30 with the urge! The urge to hopefully break our BFN streak and prove to be pregnant. Well, into the bathroom I went, gingerly tip-toeing across the hardwood, attempting to avoid waking up Tim. I slowing opened the home pregnancy test package, praying that what I have been expecting was true. There I was, starring at the test...waiting for the line to arrive (Where else to go during the wee hours of the morning...I was trying not to wake up Tim, or the pups downstairs!). Then it appeared, like a magic trick right before my very own eyes! The faintest of faint pink line. It was so faint, I thought for sure it wasn't real. I bursted back into the bedroom "Tim...Tim...are yo awake?" In reply "Kate, it's 4:30 in the morning, what the heck are you doing up?" "I just took a pregnancy test, there are TWO LINES!" Tim's first reply was "why are you testing already and why at 4:...
16 comments
Read more

Our Rainbow!!!!!

Amazing...simply amazing. I am soaking up every moment. I am so thankful for our little girl. So...introducing River Zoelle Mirth 8 pounds, 11 ounces and 22 inches long!!! Labor was long, hard yet amazingly wonderful. 12 hours of labor and just over 3 hours of pushing (these are the things the docs don't tell you can happen!!!) But we did it!!! Our rainbow is finally here safely in our arms.
14 comments
Read more