Let me start by saying I believe my Zoloft is kicking in ladies! Yesterday morning I got home from work and ran upstairs to proclaim " Tim, I am happy!" I had a wonderfully happy day. It was such a relief to feel sun penetrating through the dark cloud looming over my head. I spoke with my mom on the phone and she immediately knew I was having a good day. My support group even noticed! This morning I am still feeling pretty good...not quite as happy as yesterday, but I will take it. I don't ever expect to be the same person I was before Zoelle died, I accept that. I wouldn't want to be the same person. I do however, want to be able to function...that's a good idea, right? There is hope!
Okay...now the dellemia at hand. So last week my SIL announced she was pregnant with their second child at her first child's birthday party (2 years old). The March of Dimes was Saturday, and the family lives in PA so we couldn't make it. They couldn't make it hear either. Well, I guess they read my post about being upset we were the last to know and how I was feeling disconnected. Quickly there after I received an email defending there choice and they were sorry we weren't there to find out on mother's day like the rest of the family. I responded with an honest email and kindly as them to stop reading my blog. I guess if someone is reading this is offended, so be it. I would like to think however, if they were truly reading my blog the topic would have been approached in a different manner.
1. I would NEVER be so insensitive to announce on mothers day that I was pregnant if my sister or any of Tim's siblings were grieving the loss of their child. A child who died only 4 months ago. The fact we went through infertility only adds salt to my wound. The ENTIRE family knows how hard we struggled to get pregnant, and how much we fought for her! Of course, we didn't find out that day because we weren't there...we didn't find out for several days later! If we would have been there though...I would have been heart broken, a complete mess! Wow...I just can't imagine doing that to my family. My sister would never even think of doing that to me.
2. There IS a right way to tell grieving parents you are pregnant!! Although I am completely heartbroken over the death of Zoe, I am not heartless. Of course I am glad others can have healthy pregnancies and live, healthy babies. That doesn't mean I am not completely broken by my loss. We were the last to know! I have thought about this all week. What is the correct way? Here's is how the conversation should have gone
Kate and Tim: We wanted you to be the first to know that we are pregnant. Losing Zoe has been terrible, it has been very painful for all of us. Especially you. We want you to know we love you and care about you and want you to be apart of this pregnancy. Please let us know what we can do to help.
Am I expecting too much? Is this too much to ask for from even family? Of course I haven't heard from them at all since we heard the news. That does not help the fact that I feel distant as hell right now. What do they want me to say or feel! I am sure they would argue they are giving me space. Right. I think it's great they are pregnant...yeah, it sucks it's not me. It sucks I can't get pregnant "Freakishly easy" as she once said to me in reference to my own infertility. But come on people. I am jeleasous as hell! I wish Zoelle was here with me, alive and well.
I am not for sure how to approch this situation. I fear we are heading down a slippery slope.
Okay...now the dellemia at hand. So last week my SIL announced she was pregnant with their second child at her first child's birthday party (2 years old). The March of Dimes was Saturday, and the family lives in PA so we couldn't make it. They couldn't make it hear either. Well, I guess they read my post about being upset we were the last to know and how I was feeling disconnected. Quickly there after I received an email defending there choice and they were sorry we weren't there to find out on mother's day like the rest of the family. I responded with an honest email and kindly as them to stop reading my blog. I guess if someone is reading this is offended, so be it. I would like to think however, if they were truly reading my blog the topic would have been approached in a different manner.
1. I would NEVER be so insensitive to announce on mothers day that I was pregnant if my sister or any of Tim's siblings were grieving the loss of their child. A child who died only 4 months ago. The fact we went through infertility only adds salt to my wound. The ENTIRE family knows how hard we struggled to get pregnant, and how much we fought for her! Of course, we didn't find out that day because we weren't there...we didn't find out for several days later! If we would have been there though...I would have been heart broken, a complete mess! Wow...I just can't imagine doing that to my family. My sister would never even think of doing that to me.
2. There IS a right way to tell grieving parents you are pregnant!! Although I am completely heartbroken over the death of Zoe, I am not heartless. Of course I am glad others can have healthy pregnancies and live, healthy babies. That doesn't mean I am not completely broken by my loss. We were the last to know! I have thought about this all week. What is the correct way? Here's is how the conversation should have gone
Kate and Tim: We wanted you to be the first to know that we are pregnant. Losing Zoe has been terrible, it has been very painful for all of us. Especially you. We want you to know we love you and care about you and want you to be apart of this pregnancy. Please let us know what we can do to help.
Am I expecting too much? Is this too much to ask for from even family? Of course I haven't heard from them at all since we heard the news. That does not help the fact that I feel distant as hell right now. What do they want me to say or feel! I am sure they would argue they are giving me space. Right. I think it's great they are pregnant...yeah, it sucks it's not me. It sucks I can't get pregnant "Freakishly easy" as she once said to me in reference to my own infertility. But come on people. I am jeleasous as hell! I wish Zoelle was here with me, alive and well.
I am not for sure how to approch this situation. I fear we are heading down a slippery slope.
First off, I'm so glad you're feeling better and starting to have some happy days! I'm sorry I missed getting to see you last night (still on bedrest following our transfer).
ReplyDeleteAs for the Mother's Day announcement, ouch. I certainly appreciated when my sister told me in person, privately, that they were expecting their third. She also acknowledged that the news would probably be hard for us, but that she was hopeful we'd have reason to celebrate soon. It may not have the most perfect delivery in the world of such hard news, but it was tactful and respectful of our hurt, which is really all I could ask. I'm sorry your in-laws haven't approached things in quite the same way.
I'm so glad you like the Zoloft. I'm starting my meds today. I have a difficult weekend ahead of me and will need it.
ReplyDeleteUgh. Please forgive me because you know that I'm in my angry, bitter stage. I'm so irritated by insensitive friends and family. Do they not equate our type of loss with the loss of a child? I sent my MIL an email yesterday addressing her insensitive comments. I was quite proud of the message. I was polite, but direct and just explained that I needed her to say "i'm sorry, how are you doing today?" She called my DH and told him that she was hurt by it. Really, you're not hurt that your granddaugther died? You're not hurt that your son and daugther-in-law are in extreme pain over the loss of their child? It isn't about YOU people.
On another note, I know it hurts to hear that someone else is expecting. I feel like it is a rite of passage for a grieving mom. We all have to get through hearing that other people are expecting. It's so hard. Our reality is so different from people who easily conceive and from people who get bring their babies home from the hospital. I'm so sorry.
p.s. I just re-read your post "adding to my pain." I don't think you said anything offensive. You were stating fact. You are doing the right thing expressing yourself.
ReplyDeleteKate - so glad to hear that you are feeling better, what a difference that will make for you.
ReplyDeleteI agree whole-heartedly about the 'appropriate' way to tell grieving parents that you are expecting. I remember my husband getting a phone call from his brother just 4 weeks after losing Nicholas proclaiming at the top of lungs that they were pregnant.... absolutely no sensitivity at all... oh, and my MIL.... I could write a whole post about her!
It's hard because you expect others to be happy for 'happy' events in their life... just wish they would use their heads too.
Strength to you, girl.
Oh hon I am so glad to hear that you have been having some good days! *hugs*
ReplyDeleteI honestly do NOT at all think you are asking to much. Matter of fact, you put that statement very eloquently and I couldn't have said it better myself. Now if we could only get the people in our lives to say it just like that.
Wishing for peace for you!
Ouch. I don't feel like you are asking too much, but I'm GLAD you weren't there to hear that news on Mother's Day. That would have felt like a kick in the teeth, although it isn't much better not hearing from them. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteKeep taking the Zoloft even after you are feeling better. I made the mistake of going off my Celexa twice since I thought I was "better" and had major relapses. Learned that lesson the hard way =)
ReplyDeletePeople are insensitive, but I do believe that most are not mean-spirited. They are just clueless. Being honest is the best. I tell people that while I am happy for them, I cannot listen to stories about their pregnancies or children right now.