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Falling apart

Yesterday Tim and I went on a one day road trip to Amish country in Ohio. We stayed at this fantastic castle and relaxed! Then today we stopped at some quaint shops and ate lunch at a great local "home cooking" type restaurant. It really was exactly what we needed.

Well, back to reality. I am a wreck this afternoon. I feel like I am spinning out of control and there is no one here to catch me. I am so depressed, and overwhelmingly anxious. I miss Zoe. I miss her so much tears stream down my face when I think of her. Tim got laid off 2 weeks ago, we just bought a house...life seems very overwhelming and never seems to give us a break.

I feel completely broken. I can't even get pregnant on my own! It's what I am supposed to do as a woman, yet here I am and I am broken. Going through infertility treatments is so expensive, and if I have to go on bed rest like I did when I was pregnant with Zoe...well, we just don't have that kind of money right now. How sad, here were are a middle class couple and we can't "afford" to get pregnant. I used all of my sick leave when I was pregnant with Zoe. I feel completely hopeless...I am pretty sure I will never have the opportunity to hold my own living, healthy child.

I hate work right now as well. I hate leaving the house, I hate interacting with people in general. I feel completely detached from the outside world. I am so jealous of other people with there belly's and babies. Mother's day was just icing on the cake. What is wrong with me? I think it is time to give the good ol doctor a call for some antidepressants. I have been trying to avoid it, but I am not feeling better...I am feeling worse. I am so freakin angry!!! Why is my child dead! Why? I am affraid no one will ever be able to answer that for me.

I am sorry for the very sad blog today. I just needed to vent, I guess.

Comments

  1. RiffMay 12, 2009 at 5:09 PM

    Please, Kate. Talk to your doctor. It will help you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. BrennaMay 12, 2009 at 6:09 PM

    This is your space! Vent away. We all understand and many of us have been there. If you ever get in one of these places and need someone to come over, to take a walk with, to grab a cup of coffee or tea or whatever, please call me! I'll be there in 20.

    I'm so sorry hon. I'm wishing you an easier day tomorrow.

    xxoo

    ReplyDelete
  3. LeaMay 12, 2009 at 6:29 PM

    Yes, vent away, it does seem to relieve a little pain sometimes. I am sorry you are feeling so lost. I've been there.

    Sending you lots of love and strength. You are a strong woman to ask for help.

    xo

    ReplyDelete
  4. CourtneyMay 12, 2009 at 8:12 PM

    I agree this is a place to vent and we are here for you sweet girl. I know exactly how you are feeling right now. If my work did offer short term disability leave, we would NOT be getting pregnant this year. It is so not fair that infertility insurance is mandatory in ALL states. Sometimes I just want to pack up and move to a state that does. It's so not fair. I am so sorry sweet girl.

    *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
  5. Never forgetting GregoryMay 12, 2009 at 9:25 PM

    It isn't fair. I wish we had some answers to WHY this has happened and changed our lives so much. I know what it is like to feel completely broken for not being able to get pregnant. And it is so expensive. The treatments and testing and everything is such a financial drain. I hate that you have to go through this. I often feel disconnected from the rest of the world and depressed. I have no advice, just know I'm here for you and I have many of the same feelings. Hugs.

    ReplyDelete

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