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From the outside looking in

My body and mind feel numb. Numb to every thought and feeling, expect my pain and sadness. I can fight this. For nothing else I have faith in myself that although I am lost and consumed with the death of my daughter...I know I can fight this. My mind is fuzzy and my heart continues to break. I wish I felt "normal." Although I can't distinguish what normal truly is for me. I am grasping to the rocks, holding on with my fingertips, but I know my safety line is attached, and I know I am safe. I feel like I am watching myself live my life. I am living from the outside looking in. I ask myself, "what would make me happy?" My daughter, my beautiful Zoelle. My little butterfly lived and died and a part of me died with her. I miss you little one.

Comments

  1. CourtneyMay 17, 2009 at 11:53 AM

    I had this very same feeling a few weeks after having the boys. Like life was going on without me and I was standing on the sidelines just watching it go on. I think its very similar to post traumatic stress syndrome that War vets go through when they come home after war. Something so traumatic that affects the mind body and soul.

    It was affecting me to the point of I could not drive because I did not feel in control of my body. I did some reasearch about it online and it says the best thing to do is to just acknowledge the feeling and don't dwell on it. Easier said than done. The feeling did finally ease up on me after about a month or so.

    I wish this could be easier hon. I wish we didn't have to go through this pain and heartache. We should have our babies here with us.

    *hugs*

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  2. birMay 17, 2009 at 10:45 PM

    I know Kate.
    I just wanted to drop you a quick comment to let you know that I've found your blog and send you hugs and prayers. I haven't had a chance to read all of your posts yet, but want to say that Zoelle is such a beautiful name.

    http://allthelittleponies.blogspot.com

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  3. BreeMay 18, 2009 at 10:08 PM

    Hi Kate
    Its so nice to "meet" you. Thank you for the sweet comments you've left on my blog. I actually visited your blog before, so its funny that you ended up on mine. I tried to leave you a comment yesterday, but not sure it went through. Ive been blogging from my ipod. This blog thing is amazing. I don't know where I'd be in this process without it.
    You're little Zoelle is beautiful. I hope she and Ella are fluttering about together. This sounds crazy, but it comforts me to know all about the other babies who are with Ella.
    Sending you a big hug.
    Bree

    ReplyDelete

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