Yesterday was a horrible day for me. I was so upset, and felt so disconnected to the world. I know it seemed irrational, but I disconnected my facebook,myspace and family forum account. I just can't seem to bring myself to talk to anyone right now. Then we got the call. My SIL is pregnant with their 2nd child. Must be nice. Yesterday I felt so fragile and alone, and a phone call like that didn't help. Although, I can't even imagine a good time for such a call. Tim's brother said " I feel really strange telling you this, but...A is pregnant." Or something to that effect...either way he felt awkward telling us. I want to be happy for others, but right now I can't. I simply cannot be happy for anyone, including myself. How could I be happy for anyone if I am so sad? What do people freakin expect!!!!! I know people are going to be pregnant, and even though it doesn't happen to us, people have living babies everyday! Without simulation hormones, and worries of bed rest and hyperstim. I get that. It just doesn't make it eastier. I am sick of catering to other people's feelings and worring about who I am hurting. What about me? I am hurting too!
I make people feel awkward and terrible. I am the pathetic girl who makes the world uneasy. I am sorry my child is dead, it is terrible and uncomfortable for me too. I guess family and friends will continue to walk around eggshells around me...and guess what...I will continue to distance myself from those people. In the end, I am still the one who suffers. I am the mother left with empty arms, and a empty heart. Tim and I are the broken parents.
Then I woke up this morning and there was a text on my phone from my cousin my very young and pregnant cousin. I guess she needs my address. I am sure she wants to send me something about a shower. Her baby is due next month. Must be nice right.
I also got a b-day part invite for my other cousin's 1st year party. She is pregnant again as well. Due in august.
I guess the fact of the matter is my baby is the only baby that didn't survive in my circle. I did EVERYTHING right and it still didn't matter. Now here I am and I have been crying since last night, still crying this morning. I cringe at the thought of going to work, but I have no choice. I hate leaving the house, I hate talking to people....I hate who I have become. I tried to call my OB this morning...my freaking phone died. I am going to call my counselor and see if I can get in today.
I am a freaking mess.
Update: I called my OB today and started Zoloft. I also have an appointment for the morning with my counselor, and Tim is going to go with me. I guess when the time comes to TTC, we will cross that bridge with my medication then. Right now, I need to take care of me and be as healthy mentally as possible when the day arrives to start round 2!
I make people feel awkward and terrible. I am the pathetic girl who makes the world uneasy. I am sorry my child is dead, it is terrible and uncomfortable for me too. I guess family and friends will continue to walk around eggshells around me...and guess what...I will continue to distance myself from those people. In the end, I am still the one who suffers. I am the mother left with empty arms, and a empty heart. Tim and I are the broken parents.
Then I woke up this morning and there was a text on my phone from my cousin my very young and pregnant cousin. I guess she needs my address. I am sure she wants to send me something about a shower. Her baby is due next month. Must be nice right.
I also got a b-day part invite for my other cousin's 1st year party. She is pregnant again as well. Due in august.
I guess the fact of the matter is my baby is the only baby that didn't survive in my circle. I did EVERYTHING right and it still didn't matter. Now here I am and I have been crying since last night, still crying this morning. I cringe at the thought of going to work, but I have no choice. I hate leaving the house, I hate talking to people....I hate who I have become. I tried to call my OB this morning...my freaking phone died. I am going to call my counselor and see if I can get in today.
I am a freaking mess.
Update: I called my OB today and started Zoloft. I also have an appointment for the morning with my counselor, and Tim is going to go with me. I guess when the time comes to TTC, we will cross that bridge with my medication then. Right now, I need to take care of me and be as healthy mentally as possible when the day arrives to start round 2!
Kate - my heart is aching along with you. I have had so many of those days.
ReplyDeleteAbout 4 weeks after we lost Nicholas my husband's brother called his cell while we were in the car. He practically screamed that he and his wife were having a baby - I could hear him through the phone. All I could think was, are you kidding me? Is there really no sensitivity or compassion left in this world? Sure, I expect them to be excited, but.... really?!
I hope you can get in to see your counselor... that may help.
Strength and love to you.
Ooof. That news is never easy. My sister got pregnant with #3 shortly after we lost the boys (she's younger than I am by several years with a 4-year-old AND a 1-year-old AND a new baby on the way...sigh). You want to be thrilled for everyone, but it's hard when you're missing your own baby or babies so so much.
ReplyDeleteI can identify with so much of what you wrote about in this post, Kate. I've also seen changes in myself that I don't love over the past 6 months. I've gone through phases of total withdrawal when I haven't wanted to speak to anyone, when I've been terrible at staying in touch with family and friends. It does get a bit easier with time, in my experience, and your loss is still so recent and the pain so fresh--there's no shame in feeling the way you do. It's completely normal, if you ask me!
I'm glad that you got the prescription started and that you have an appointment for you and Tim, though. I hope it helps! (I'm sorry, by the way, that I didn't comment on Tim getting laid off yesterday! I was thinking about you all last night and realized in my comment yesterday that I neglected to say how sorry I was to hear that news.)
Sending you a giant hug~~~
It hurts to read this. I'm sure people felt similar helplessness when I would post these exact words. It isn't fair that other people are "uncomfortable" around us. You are right, in the end, they get to go back to being happy and you are left without your baby. It isn't fair and I am also tired of watching my words to not upset other people. I hope the meds help, and I hope you get a chance to talk some of this out with the counselor. I think about you often, and I KNOW this pain. I wish nobody had to go through this.
ReplyDeleteOh honey. I wish I could take all of this pain away from you. I know how much it hurts and I hope that with the new meds and the trips to the counselor it will start helping you out. There is not shame in this route at all so I hope you don't feel that. DH and I go to counseling every week (tues) and it has helped us in tremendous ways.
ReplyDelete*hugs*
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ReplyDeleteHi Kate,
ReplyDeleteOkay, let's try this again. I had a typo in my first post. :)
I'm so sorry that you are going through this too.
It looks like you and I both lost our precious babies at 23.3 weeks.
I'm not sure if you read on my blog, but this week my bf told me that she is 11 weeks pregnant with her second child. I totally freaked out on her. I just don't understand the universe's plan. That means she conceived only a couple weeks before I lost my Ella. Why is it that some people can have several babies with no problem and some of us can't even bring one home from the hospital? It's not fair. I totally freaked out on my friend too. Thankfully, she was really understanding.
I've been struggling with the med thing too. My doctor presribed Lexapro before I left the hospital. I took it for a week, but felt that it blocked my ability to cry. But, lately I've been thinking about taking it again. My doctor did say that it is safe to take that one during pregnancy. But, i'm not sure I want to risk anything next time.
Bree
Kate: I now understand why I couldn't find you on Facebook. I am glad that you are taking something. I have no doubt it will help you. Please know that we all love you.
ReplyDelete