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Back to square one

It's hard to believe this time last year we were starting our treatments. First 3 rounds of clomid (not a follie to budge). Then onto follistim injections. I have PCOS so I am at super high risk for hyperstim...of course it happened to me. But I was so excited to be pregnant it eased the pain of my colossal ovaries! So here we are one year later, with a precious daughter...who is gone. We are left with only memories and broken hearts. I guess you could say we are back to square one...only a little wiser and a little more cautious ( and of course, parents to our angel baby).
I was hopeful I was ovulating on my own, yeah right. That flew out the window. Aunt flo was a no go this month. I should have started my period last week, and last week came and went with no sign of a period to be had. So, I took not one, not two but 3 pregnancy test. (I am in the business of self torture!) BIG FAT NEGATIVE x 3! *Sigh. I guess the upside...at least I haven't lost hope. I had enough hope, enough glimmer of positivity left to at least take a test (or three). Right?

Anyway...I am not messing around over here. It's time to make my appointments with the RE and MFM. I guess the first plan of action is to get my records to MFM. My RE aka Dr. Gloom and Doom wants me to see MFM first. (Don't get me wrong...I love Gloom and Doom...he is an awesome doc. I call him G&D because he never ceases to find the worse case scenario. I told the nurse I call him that...she got a kick out of that one! I want a doc who will tell me like it is!) Anyway...so I am ready. I am ready to try this again, I am ready to make the leap.

Another blogger I met through a local support group, Brenna, gave me some great advice...when trying again is more exciting and hopeful then scary, you know you are ready. Pretty good advice! ( I hope I am quoting you correctly, Brenna:-) I am sure we can all say with confidence it is always going to be scary...but exciting can outweigh the overwhelming. I am hopeful for those 2 lines on the good ol' pregnancy test. I am excited to be a mommy to a Zoe's sibling. Of course I am scared shitless! Who wouldn't be. There are a thousand, no millions of worries running through my veins. But I am still ready.

Of course, I am having a "good day" today. A day filled with hope and optimism. I am not even going to cloud my day with irritation and frustration from the outside world. A world that doesn't understand what journey I am traveling. That's okay, I have all the support I need from Tim, my family and all of my friends.

So here's to new beginnings and the hope for baby # 2.

Comments

  1. BrennaMay 4, 2009 at 8:02 AM

    We who are in the business of self torture have to hold onto those good days! :) I'm so sorry you didn't ovulate on your own Kate--I was holding out hope for you! But I'm really glad you're ready to move forward with the steps that will lead you to your baby, your sibling for sweet Zoelle. I absolutely know that that baby is waiting for you. I hope we're on a similar time frame and can support one another through the thrills and chills of a second pregnancy.

    ReplyDelete
  2. CourtneyMay 4, 2009 at 9:27 AM

    You are such an amazing women. Such a wonderful Mommy. That quote is sooo incredibly true. When the excitement outweighs the fear you know you are ready. We are at that stage and that is how we knew we were ready to try again for sure. We set a timeframe in mind on when we wanted to try again and once we got close to it (which we are) we would re-evaluate our feelings and if were weren't feeling it we would put TTC baby #3 on hold. We re-evaluate our feelings on a monthly basis with each other and really on a weekly basis with our counselor to make sure everyone is on the same page. It's going to be a hard journey, filled with tons of emotions (as if TTC isn't hard enough add grief of losing your child/ren on top of that) but I know we will get through it with our support systems we will all come out strong on the other end and come out with beautiful living, breathing sweet babies to take home and fill our empty arms!!!

    *hugs*

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  3. J-ROKMay 4, 2009 at 6:55 PM

    Kate, glad to hear you're full of hope and love for baby #2! Wouldn't you love to escape to college naievity when we thought we were preggo every time we saw a penis???? (Not saying that good Christian girls like us ever did ;)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Never forgetting GregoryMay 4, 2009 at 9:37 PM

    I wish you so much luck with TTC. I think that is a great way to decide when you are ready. It will be emotional and tough, but you have many online buddies who will hold your hand all along the way!

    ReplyDelete

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