Kate's Corner

Well, my FET is approaching quickly, and I am more then ready to do this. Nervous, but ready. I have very much been focusing on postive thinking...well at least trying. Although it's not always easy, I do think there is something to being positive. For nothing else it manages to keep me sane. At the same time, my not so positive moments on here do the trick as well. Overall, I have a good feeling this FET will work...although that little voice in my head creeps in and starts talking shit every now and then (it's a balancing act for sure). The plan: I see the doctor on Monday for my baseline ultrasound and start my estrogen patch. I have been on lupron for 2 weeks now and just finished my BC pill on Monday. I keep reminding myself that of the few times I have actually ovulated one I got pregnant with Zoe and the other we retrieved 28 eggs. So the odds are on our side. As for my ovaries, they are back to normal (for me). So it would be fantastic to get pregnant and not have hyper...

Hey everyone...if you get a chance, check out Beth's blog. She is a WONDERFUL friend of mine who I love dearly! Beth and her husband and beginning their journey through IVF and is new to the land of bloggers. Hugs to you Beth!

Sometimes it seems I have no place to turn, no safe place to express how I feel (at least outside of my marriage, which most certainly is safe, but it's nice to express my feelings elsewhere). I want to be pregnant so intensely and I am so jealous of all of the people who I know that are pregnant. Honestly, it's hard for me...even a vast majority of the people I have met on here are pregnant. How do I express my feelings openly when the majority of those who read are pregnant? Here I am, and over a year has passed since Zoelle has died and I am not any closer. I am so frustrated. I wish I was pregnant...I would be so happy to be pregnant, and worry about what everyone else gets to worry about. But for some reason, this is not my journey. Even with my FET at best I have a 50/50 shot. I don't even know how to talk to pregnant people anymore. They are consumed by pregnancy, where I am consumed by non pregnancy. I fear depression is settling deep in my soul and I am losing myse...

Sometimes I get so frustrated! I think I am going to leave facebook...for good! Every time I get on there I am left feeling depressed. I swear all I see is pregnant pictures, baby updates and smart ass remarks how peoples kids are "driving them nuts." Better yet people complaining about pregnancy nausea or whatever...seriously? You think that is a difficult pregnancy because you are having morning sickness? How about trying for months to get pregnant, having ovaries so large I was on bedrest, a subchorionic bleed for weeks then losing my daughter at 24 weeks. Nausea? I wish that was the worst of my worries when I was pregnant. Maybe I am jealous...we have been trying for over a year to get pregnant and we are not. I sit back and watch all of my friends, family and coworkers have babies...living babies. I go to showers, birthday parties and whatever else I get invited to...yet here we are with empty arms? How can I not be cynical? I am to the point I don't give a shit if I...

I struggle with my journey. How did I get here? What am I supposed to learn? What is the purpose of my life? I seek answers to only discover more questions. I know I am not alone. For the last 2 years my life has been consumed with becoming pregnant, and now I am overtaken by grief. Grief for the death of my daughter, and grief for the loss of my own fertility. My energy is depleted and my heart is heavy. My focus needs to change...only I can choose to pull myself from this darkness. I accept my pain. I have embraced my pain. But my heart needs to begin the healing process. So I pray for peace, patience, and strength to continue down this journey. I pray that my upcoming FET (frozen embryo transfer) will end with a happy story. One filled with baby giggles, dirty diapers and long sleep deprived nights. Most of all, I pray for healing; mind, body and soul. Today I had a vision that Zoe came to me and told me we are going to have a little boy. I have never dreamed of Zoe or had a vision ...

One year ago our daughter was born alive and died in our arms One year later it hurts all the same One year ago I delivered a beautiful baby and left with empty arms Today my heart still bleeds One year ago my pain took my breath away, left me numb and cold Today, my grief remains strong A moment doesn't pass where I don't think of her The few moments with her were bittersweet I long for our daughter who life was cut short I miss you Zoe I love you I will always love you Happy Birthday to you, my little tree of life Tomorrow we are celebrating her birthday with a cake, releasing a pink balloon, lighting her candle and Tim playing her song. I can't belive it's been a year...an entire year without my baby. Sorry it is so small...but I at least go it to post!