Kate's Corner

Thank everyone for all of you comments and support regarding our upcoming IVF journey. Thank you so much!! This week I have felt completely introverted, drained and overwhelmed. My thoughts are unclear and I am desperately wishing for some clarity or insight. crystal ball, anyone? anyone? Tim had a dream last week that we had twin girls. Twins, singleton, boy, girl or any combo will be fine by me...my wish is a healthy pregnancy and full term baby/babies. Work seems to be consuming all of my energy lately. Unfortunately I had an OB patient the other night at work. sigh. Of course. I hate that I am jealous of those with their cute babies and growing bellies. I am trying to be understanding and patient but the universe has a way of slapping me in the face! I am not ready for the holidays this year. I am not ready to see my SIL baby who's due date is the day before Tim's birthday. Last year on Tim's birthday we found out Zoe was a little girl...and it was our own little secr...

I have a million emotions whirling through my body right now. My cycle has been canceled...my follicles are just not doing what they should. I have have some growth....but the problem is, I have numerous other follicles starting to grow as well. Dr. Gloom wants us to consider moving to IVF...it will be so much safer and more controlled. I can't even begin to express how overwhelmed I feel right now. IVF seems like an uphill battle on so many levels...financially, emotionally, physically. But we have decided that in the end it's just money.... We spend money of cars, houses, yards, food, clothes...why not spend money to have a family? sigh I feel a slight hue of relief this morning knowing we can relax and not worry as intently on the possibility of hyperstimulation and high order pregnancy. However, today I feel like I am mourning my fertility. I know she has been gone for some time, but this seems to take it to a whole new level. To my future babies...my two little hopefuls......

Have you ever felt too impatient for all of this nonsense! I am ready to be pregnant...like, yesterday. I ask myself, what would it be like to get pregnant...without all of the injections, invasive u/s, blood draws and worries? Can you imagine ? What gets me through it all is who I have met along the way on this journey. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, a light were hope penetrates through my broken heart. That light would be friendship, support and kindness from my friends and family. I am so immensely thankful for the people in my life I have met on this journey. A wonderful blogger friend of mine, Courtney so kindly and graciously gave me 3 vials of follistim! THREE VIALS...and even met me half way between Michigan and Ohio yesterday to give them to me. I had a wonderful time eating lunch and talking about our babies. It's so nice to get to freely and openly talk about our children, and not feel concerned about what the person on the other end of the conversation ma...

Well...not much happening in ovary land, so we are increasing my dose to 125 units/day. No reason to get overly zealous with my dose right now, so 125 it is. I guess we will see if any progress has been made on Tuesday. Fingers crossed! Last year it took 14 days of injections before my follicles were ready to go. I have a feeling we are on the same path. But...that's okay.

Today I am participating in Walking With You - Naming Our Babies. I love hearing stories about how people chose names! Zoelle's Name: Ever since I was a little girl I remember telling my Grandma I would name my own little girl after her...Hazel. My grandma holds a very special place in my heart and I love her dearly. A women of faith, my grandma has taught me to believe in God, angels and spirits. Growing up my family always talked about angels and those who have passed away. When Zoelle died, my great grandma's spirit and presence filled the room (grandma hazel's mom). I knew in my heart that she was holding my sweet daughter....it was comforting to know she was with us, and Zoe was safe. I told my grandma about this the day of Zoe's memorial service and she smiled and tears trickled down her face. She said "mom always did love babies...and most certainly she loves yours." As for the name Zoelle...good college friends of ours named their daughter Daphne Zoel...

I read a thought provoking post this morning written by Kayla regarding a book called Dear Parents- Letters to Beavered Parents from Beavered Parents. Here is a short excerpt from the book; (thanks for the great book suggestion!) "I weary of hearing how brave I am. I weary of people saying 'I don't think I could go through what you've been through.' I'm no stronger nor weaker than they. We all do what we have to do when we don't have any choice. Sure, I act normal. Sure, I smile and crack a joke. That's not brave.......that's survival. They don't see me at night."-Sandy How many times have I heard the words "you are so strong...I could never go through what you have gone through." I understand these words come from a "good" place and I truly believe most people do mean well. However, I am human and although I look like I am "doing so well" my pain is real. In all reality, what choice do we as beavered parents t...

Well...I am on day three of my stimulation drugs, and I am still alive! I guess that is good, right? My right ovary is a bit crampy today, but I am not going to fret about it just yet. My first u/s is wednesday then every other day from there. Life is still very much surreal this time around. It's completely hard to believe that we are doing this again...but we are, and I am trying to stay positive and optimistic. Optimistic isn't a familiar concept for me....but I do try. Tim and I are celebrating our 4 year anniversary on Thursday! It really has flown by. I am the luckiest woman in the world...my husband is loving, kind, compassionate, artist, intelligent, funny...and most certainly crazy for loving me! I am glad he "gets me" and all my weird ways. I am sure he would say the same about me...he is a bit strange himself! :-)

Well...AF finally arrived yesterday afternoon! It couldn't have come faster...seriously! I had my baseline u/s today but unfortunately my regular doc is on vacation. Bummer...so I saw Dr. M. Overall, the appointment went fairly well...we talked about the fact that ovulation last month was sketchy at best, and to be followed up by a period MIA it seems like the drug was a bust for me. I really wish I could have seen Dr. Gloom and Doom...I have been seeing him forever and we have such a good rapport I truly value his opinion. I wonder if he would have wanted me to start the injections or try one more month of the follisitm. Anyway...so we are going to start injections this week, tomorrow actually, with the philosophy of starting the dose low and go slow. I am nervous for sure...I really don't want to hyperstim like last time....please god! But we have concluded that we would cancel the cycle if things are looking that way. Timing is interesting for sure. Last summer when I becam...

This past week has been difficult for me. The 4th of July marked 6 months since Zoe's death. When do we stop counting the months? I am not for sure if it is healthy or a simply a part of the healing process. Either way, I am still counting. I haven't seen any of my friends in weeks...I can't even remember the last time to be honest. I know I am depressed....I stopped taking my zoloft (the infamous mistake)! I feel a bit damned if you do damned if you don't. I truly wish I could do more for Zoe....I wish I could be of more support to others who are grieving. I feel a little lost in my thoughts. I think I may need to make a trip to see my counsler. Although, counsling isn't what I need or want....but I guess I don't get what I want...at least not in this care. Still no period. One more day of my provera....I guess I will just continue to wait. More waiting...wait for my period, wait for my follicle, wait for my egg....wait for my BFP...and hopefully one day...wait...