Kate's Corner

I took my pregnancy test again this morning...BFN. Not for sure what to say about that. I called the RE's office and left a message with the Nurse, hopefully she calls me back soon! The fact I have not started my period I feel like I am left in limbo. Very annoying. Yesterday was a pretty sad day for me. Grief is an uphill battle, and it seems to be a battle I struggle with day by day...and even hour by hour at times. I think my negative test stirred up some sad feelings which made me face how much I am truly longing for Zoe. Sometimes I just want this to be over...I wish I could get pregnant, have a healthy pregnancy and bring our little one home. Sounds easy, right? It's sad really, how many people take such a wonderful gift for granted. I mean really...how amazing is the gift of life ? I find myself grieving for Zoe but also grieving for the loss of my fertility. Infertility is relentless. Once again, I am in the minority...a select group of women who know the woes and frust...

Under the Tree, June edition. It's been fun reading about everyone! Hair Color: Blond e Eye color: Blue Profession: ICU Registered Nurse Relationship status: Married My Favorites: Favorite color: Pink!! Favorite movie: The breakfast club Favorite animal: I am growing quite fond of our Siberian Husky! Favorite store: Walmart (my guilty pleasure!) Favorite childhood memory: Rolling down hills at Kingwood Center with my awesome sister Emily Favorite hobby: gardening, scrapbooking Favorite song/singer: John Mayer Favorite book/author: Hmmm...not sure Favorite school subject: Writing Favorite vacation destination: Well, only ever traveled in USA, but I love going to the Ocean! Favorite food: I love breakfast food! Chocolate chip pancakes, waffles, cheesy grits! Favorite restaurant: Wally Waffle! This or That Coke or pepsi : Coke Beer or wine: Both Coffee or tea: Coffee Apple Juice or O.J.: OJ with pulp! Summer or Winter: Fall :-) I am such a libra! Cats or dogs: Both Salty or sweet: s...

Well ladies...I got a BFN this morning, and although I am upset, I feel more stumped then anything. My period has still not shown up! I ovulated the 11th and 12th (maybe as late as the 13th) so I am not for sure why I haven't started my period or gotten a positive pregnancy test today. I guess there is that very tiny chance it was a dud test...or maybe it is sitll too early (don't think so). I am praying something isn't wrong...I would rather not add anyting on to my reproductive woes. I thought it would be fun to get the digital test that say's pregnant...maybe it was the test. Maybe my hcg level is still too low to detect with the digital. Or maybe it's right....I am just "not pregnant." I am going to call the office tomorrow to see what they think! Ehh...so frustrating.

I just wanted to let everyone know I am not going to take my test tomorrow. Tim went to PA today and will be back tomorrow evening. So, I want to take it when he is here, so I plan to test Sunday. So far...no period and I am 11 dpo!! I hope that is a good sign. I had really contemplated going with Tim this weekend, but for so many reasons it just wasn't the best idea. First and foremost, Sawyer is still recovering from his little intestinal parasite and is finishing his antibiotics. We didn't think it would be the best idea to have him travel for 2 1/2 hours one way and try to manage his puppy potty business in a new place. Not to mention, I am sure the in laws would love puppy diarrhea in the yard during the graduation party! Nothing like little gifts of love! :-) My mom is coming to hang out with me tomorrow. My mom is the most incredible person in the world! (I am sure you are reading this Mom...I love you!) Thankfully my mom is the optimist of the family and keeps us chuggi...

My blogger friend Lea took this beautiful picture in memory of Zoe with wings give to her in memory of her sweet son Nicholas. Simply beautiful. So many of my blogger friends have been amazingly thoughtful. I love all of you! Thank so so much for the beautiful wings, Lea. You are truly wonderful!!

I wrote this poem the day we arrived home from Erie, pa where I delivered Zoe. We were actually visiting my in laws about 2 1/2 hours from here when my water ruptured on Christmas night at only 22 weeks. We were miles from home, completely scared and devastated by what was about to occur. I have tried several times to write down the story...but words cannot express my feelings. I remember the day I wrote this clearly. We picked up Zoe's urn and drove home...a very long, painful drive home to Ohio. I spoke with the minister at the Church on the drive home, she was so very sweet to us. We planned to get together to discuss Zoe's memorial service. That night I wrote her poem...I read it for her at her memorial service. Tim wrote a song for her, Zoe's lullaby. To my love My tiny baby Zoe, my precious tree of life Your skin so fair and fragile, your eyes still blocked from light my kisses touch your forehead, your kisses warm my heart now that I have met you, I wish we'd ne...

Sometimes I search long and hard to find myself. Where have I gone? I search through this storm of uncertainly with only moments of light to guide my way. Thoughts whirl through my head and flood my heart with painful emotions. I fight this internal battle with myself...and although I know I am supported by those who love me, I feel alone. I wish I could say that almost 6 months after the death of my daughter it begins to get easier, but it doesn't. I wish I could reassure myself that I will be pregnant again, and next time will be different...but I can't. I don't want to be a bitter old lady who hates the world and hermits away into a dark hole. Truly I don't. But lets face it...the world doesn't understand. I deal with the constant " what am I missing? " feeling looming in my head. It's not a question of what...but a question of who ? We all know the answer to such a question...I am missing my daugther, my sweet Zoelle Hazel, who's name means ...

He's our first video of sawyer...he is irresistibly cute! I am sure his cuteness will be our biggest downfall! :-) Puppy land is keeping us very busy and we have had a few accident here and there. Last night we took him out 4 times, he manage to not pee in his crate! The cats have done really well too...I think the Mirth home will be just fine with our new addition.

Waiting....waiting....waiting... Time goes so slowly when we are waiting... Waiting... waiting... waiting... Sunday June 28th, I pray that this waiting pays off and we have a gloriously positive pregnancy test! How exciting is that prospect? Of course, I know the long road has only begun after that, but I am excited and hopeful all the same. Today is a hopeful day. I am hopeful to bring new life into the world. I am excited to be pregnant again, and feel my tiny baby kicking, flipping and moving about. I intuitively feel pregnant...and there are many signs around me that I very well could be. Tim had a dream the other night that I was pregnant! At the same time, I really don't want to get my hopes up or convince myself of something that has not come to pass. Being pregnant again reminds of me of sweet Zoe...she was certainly a mover and a shaker. At our 21 week u/s she was so active, the u/s tech said she was the most active baby of the day! I miss ...

One of my favorite outlets during this sad time of our lives is our yard. We have put countless hours of work into our yard, and it has been therapeutic and healing! We recently bought our first home this April, and I am so in love with our old house! It's eclectic, charming and fits like your favorite, comfy sweater. It truly was just what we needed to expel some of our frustration and energy. I am the first to admit I am a girly-girl all the way! I love baking, cooking, gardening, scrapbook, and quilting. Now, I am not claiming to do any of these well, but I love it all the same. :-) So here it is...my ode to spring and the brink of summer, in hopes that our own baby has sprung.... Our veggie garden before The whole in the garage is where the old wood burning stove used to reside. This is the most recent picture of our veggies. Hopefully my tomatoes will turn out tasty, because I would love to make some sauce this summer. Here our some pictures of the flower beds. We actually mov...

This week has been a roller coaster of emotions. Wednesday I had my day 12 u/s which showed my follicle was not quite ready. Well, the next night at work, I just knew I was ovulating. My ovary was cramping...I could just tell. I called Tim and said...I am pretty sure I am ovulating right now! Well, I went to the doc the next morning after work. I actually saw a different doc, mine was out of town. There was no follicle to be had, and I explained I thought I ovulated last night. Anyway...he said we wouldn't know for sure until we drew my blood. If my levels didn't look like that was the case, I could have an ovulation problem. sigh . I cried all the way home. I cried when I got home. I was so angry and mad. I don't want to be trying for another child...I want Zoe. I was robbed! What the hell! I was so angry I didn't even go to bed. I just curled up on the couch in a crying daze. I knew in the back of my head I ovulated, but I felt like we "missed the boat." How...

Well, so I thought I would have "it's a bust" news to report for this cycle. However, I have a follicle!! It's 14mm right not (needs to be 20) and my lining is a bit thinner then he would like ( an unfortunate side effect of my drug). So, he wants me to come back Friday and see if the follicle is up to size and my lining is good to go! The spotting has stopped, which is also good. He thinks it was breakthrough bleeding from the low levels of estrogen. This is good news. I am trying not to get too excited...but I am feeling pretty good about this! I can't believe I have ONE follicle! I am so excited!!!!! :-)

Well, I started spotting with mild cramping today on day 9 of my cycle. Shit! My u/s was scheduled for day 12 in hopes to have my hcg injection and ovulate. I called the doctor today and he said "Oh, I don't like that." Never good words to hear. Basically he thinks it may be "irritating" my cervix and simply may not be the drug for me. Letrozole, don't fail me now! So I will seem him as planned and hope something good comes of this cycle. Hopefully the spotting stops, my cervix is fine and I have a delightful follicle waiting patiently. I am trying so very much to stay positive, but it's an ongoing battle.

My dear blogger friend Bree , took this beautiful picture in memory of Zoe. So very sweet and meaningful. Thank you Bree! I love that my beautiful daughter has touch so many lives and connected me with such wonderful people. All of our babies have touched lives, most certainly my life.

Tomorrow will be 5 months...5 long months since the moment I met the most beautiful precious baby I have ever seen. Tomorrow will be five months since my arms held you...and let you go Tomorrow I will miss you, I will miss you forever and a day Tomorrow I will think of you, I will love you, I will ache for you I will think of you, love you and ache for you forever and a day Tomorrow, please be gentle for my daughter is gone and my heart is heavy Tomorrow, today and forever...send sweet kisses through the wind and whisper in her ear... Mommy loves you

It's hard to believe that we are playing this conception game over again...hopeful this cycle will end with our second child, alive. Our little Rainbow baby. :-) So how did the appointment with the RE go, you ask? Well, different then I imagined, but still hopeful. Here's the plan: When I became pregnant with Zoe during our second round with Follistim injections, I hyper-stimulated like a crazy woman. Looking back, it was a little insane we proceeded with the cycle. I had five eggs, yes five! Plus a few more follicles that could have done the trick. My right ovary grew to the size of 18 cm!!!!! My left was around 14cm! ( just in case you don't know, the normal ovary should be around 3-5cm.) Zoelle was our 1 miracle baby. NO ONE could believe we concieved only one!! Seriously. The down side of being pregnant after you hyperstim, is you only get worse. I had a moderate amount of ascites (fluid leaking into your abdomen), but not enough where it needed drained. Like I said, my...