Today I feel quite uneasy, not for sure why. Am I forgetting something? I paid the bills, I know my work schedule, I looked on the calendar...I just can't put my finger on this strange sensation in the pit of my stomach. I never used to be a super needy gal...but recently I am not a huge fan of being alone. Today I am alone. In one sense, I know I have many people around me who care and love me, but physically, I am sitting here today alone. Maybe that is causing this uneasiness today. Sometimes I feel like I have a bit of a sixth sense...hopefully nothing bad is about to transpire. Strange I would feel that way.
Lately, I have completely lost faith in God. I know hard times bring some people closer, but I know too many wonderful, beautiful people who experience tragedy and hardship. I have always been a huge proponent of holistic healing as well. Actually, over the last 2 years I have been working on my Health Touch certificate- a holistic nursing modality based on balancing your energy using your chakras. I remember sitting in the hospital prayer to God, my angels and all my guides to help my little baby. I remember giving the baby healing touch in the morning when I woke up and the last thing I did before I went to sleep. I was sure god was listening, and she was going to live. I actually used to get together with several facility members at UA for a practice group once a week. After Zoe died, I lost interest.
For me, I don't really believe in God in strict Christian sense. I would hope God is bigger then that, more understanding of such a diverse world. I have always believed that in Angels...I remember my grandma and mom talking about angels ever since I was a little child. I have always believed we can talk to people that have passed on...you just have to listen. I know my Great Grandma was with Zoe the day she died. But lately, all of my beliefs have been shaken to the core.
I also don't believe in luck. I hate when people say "well you just have bad luck." Thanks! That's what I should say. I hope there is more to all of this then luck. But on the other hand, maybe it is as simple luck. Why would some have it easier then others? Karma, luck, God? Why does it all seem so cloudy. Maybe I am uneasy today because I am lost...alone or not I feel betrayed. I have gone through some very tough times in my life...I hope my bad luck or Karma or whatever it may be is over. I pray my spirit guides, healers and angels will guide me through this journey and keep my safe. *sigh
I am trying to have faith it will all be okay...that each of us will be okay.
Lately, I have completely lost faith in God. I know hard times bring some people closer, but I know too many wonderful, beautiful people who experience tragedy and hardship. I have always been a huge proponent of holistic healing as well. Actually, over the last 2 years I have been working on my Health Touch certificate- a holistic nursing modality based on balancing your energy using your chakras. I remember sitting in the hospital prayer to God, my angels and all my guides to help my little baby. I remember giving the baby healing touch in the morning when I woke up and the last thing I did before I went to sleep. I was sure god was listening, and she was going to live. I actually used to get together with several facility members at UA for a practice group once a week. After Zoe died, I lost interest.
For me, I don't really believe in God in strict Christian sense. I would hope God is bigger then that, more understanding of such a diverse world. I have always believed that in Angels...I remember my grandma and mom talking about angels ever since I was a little child. I have always believed we can talk to people that have passed on...you just have to listen. I know my Great Grandma was with Zoe the day she died. But lately, all of my beliefs have been shaken to the core.
I also don't believe in luck. I hate when people say "well you just have bad luck." Thanks! That's what I should say. I hope there is more to all of this then luck. But on the other hand, maybe it is as simple luck. Why would some have it easier then others? Karma, luck, God? Why does it all seem so cloudy. Maybe I am uneasy today because I am lost...alone or not I feel betrayed. I have gone through some very tough times in my life...I hope my bad luck or Karma or whatever it may be is over. I pray my spirit guides, healers and angels will guide me through this journey and keep my safe. *sigh
I am trying to have faith it will all be okay...that each of us will be okay.
Thinking of you and your "little butterfuly" today. I am alone today too. Physically alone... and the weather sucks (grey, gloomy, rainy, cold) that doesn't help.
ReplyDeleteKeep the faith girlie....it's so hard, but it's the best we can do.
Kate, Thank you so much for your sweet comments. I am so sorry that we had to connect on such similar terms. Your angel is beautiful and just perfect in every way. I am so terribly sorry that she is not here with you. I just love the name you picked for her. My sister's name is Noelle.
ReplyDeleteI hope you don't mind that I added you to my blog list. I really look forward to reading more about you and getting to know more about you and your family.
*hugs*
I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I agree with you 100%. I have seen people turn all of this over to God and accept it. I've seen people decide this is more about luck. I have no idea,anymore, what I think for myself. I'm not okay with accepting that God "chose" to have me suffer and watch my baby die. And if it luck, why does mine suck so bad? It can't be karma, because I can't possibly think I deserve this. I hear you, darling. I am lost in the cloudiness of why this all happened as well. I also am worse when I'm alone. I am thinking about you. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteOne of my favorite bloggers, Erika (who is online here: http://littletinyfootprints.blogspot.com) wrote about this in a post a few months ago. It really resonated with me at the time, because I've also struggled with the questions you're wrestling with in this post. You might also enjoy Erika's writing:
ReplyDelete"I am human. I was created human. It is not my fault that my girls died. If I am going to believe that God is carrying me on this journey, then I have to believe that He had no part in their deaths. I have to believe that they died because nature is sometimes broken, not that God is broken, but that the world we live in is."
Thinking about you~
Hugs. I just tell myself over and over again... God makes no mistakes. On the luck thing, the other day when we got worse news... I was sitting on the porch trying to explain things to my parents, and a bee came and stung me on the finger (just earlier that day I was telling steve I hadn't been stung by a bee since I was 5!)... my dad says, "Don't you just have bad luck" Grief is a cloudy journey... but I do promise you, the sun will eventually peak through the clouds... it just takes a long time to see it.
ReplyDelete