Racing emotions and river of tears

So many emotions have raced through my veins this week. I am ecstatic about our new home, I simply love it! I love my husband, I love our families and I love my friends (present company included). However, I miss my little one so intensely it feels like I have been shot through the heart. Stabbed over and over with no possible light at the end of the tunnel to release me from this pain. Spring has sprung, and with that comes babies...all of my friends and coworkers who are due this month. Except our baby, who has been born and passed. Our baby whose urn sits in our living room, whose clothes are boxed away in the basement, and whose memories are carefully placed in her scrapbook. Our baby wasn't so fortunate, neither were we.

One of my dearest friends, a friend who I have known since kindergarten, a friend who was in our wedding had her 4th baby yesterday. Yes, 4th! She is in a terrible relationship, living under terrible circumstances, yet here she is again having another child. I joke and say she can get pregnant looking at sperm. I am not so sure that isn't true. Anyway, she left a message on our voice mail yesterday, and baby boy # 4 has arrived. I want to be happy for her, and of course I am glad they are okay and he arrived safely and healthy...but I can't help to feel anger, sheer jealousy. I hate that our baby is dead. I hate that all of our babies are gone. It makes me cringe. What I am trying to comprehend is... why? But I know there isn't an answer for such a question. I set here with tears streaming down my face, wishing I could bring her back. My heart will never be the same, I will simply never be the same.

I wish I could feel for just a moment.. nothing. I wish I could experience life without this empty, yet painful wound in the middle of my chest. I wish I could hold Zoe again, and kiss her sweet face take her in. Unlike other mothers, I am not so lucky. I long for the midnight feedings, the dirty diapers, the lack of sleep. I would do it without complaint. I am sure other angel baby mothers and infertility mommas feel the same way. Complaining isn't in our vocabulary when it comes to our children. I think we would feel guilty complaining...maybe I am wrong and I am the only one who feels that way. Not sure.

But life continues to go on, despite my pain. Babies continue to be born, and Zoe is still gone. Nothing can change this. My pain and sadness will not bring her back, no matter how much I beg, plead and bargain (whoever may be listening). Life without our baby has been a journey like no other. I never could have imagined the pain I am experiencing. Most people have no idea what I deal with on a daily basis. I was in labor with Zoe for 8 hours and delivered a breathing, living human being. A beautiful child who did not have the ability to be saved. To watch your child live, breathe and die is devastating. My baby died in my arms. She died in my arms, but will live in my heart forever.