Kate's Corner

Well..it's official, hello 2nd trimester! 1 down, 2 more to go. Hey, 1/3 of the way isn't too bad. We start measuring my cervix on Monday. To make a long story short, I had a bit of a traumatic doctor appointment with the high risk OB last week (it's too overwhelming to go into) but baby bean looks great! My cervix wasn't stellar, but they said it was still a little early to be getting accurate readings ( why did we check then...hmmm). At any rate, we go back on Monday to check in on my cervix and see if it lengthened or shortened. I am pretty overwhelmed with the thought of a cerclage, so if you have any positive stories out there...feel free to let me know! Here's a belly pic at 14 weeks. (please ignore the mess on the table! haha)

It's hard to believe I am 12 weeks and 2 day! This first trimester flew by! Hopefully it keeps flying on by. Obviously I want to enjoy this pregnancy (at least as much as possible) but at the same time...I just want to bring my baby home ALIVE. Wow...what is that going to be like. I can't imagine what it will be like to see this little one's eye's open, hear her/him cry, and feel her little chest rise and fall with each breath as I hold her close. I have been listening to baby beans heart beat now for a couple of weeks. It's my daily routine. I take comfort in hearing it gallop away. Being pregnant with this child after losing our first is most certainly a strange sensation. When people ask "Oh is this your first" I will always be true to our daughter...not matter the rude response. When this baby is born, I will always speak of Zoelle and her short time here on Earth that forever changed us. I still harbor jealousy towards others who seemingly conceive an...

Today I miss you, sweet Zoelle. I wish you were here in my arms. I wish you were taking your first steps, trying new foods and giving us kisses. I think of you everyday, and I miss you more with each passing moment. My heart is still broken baby girl. I wish I didn't have to watch you die. I wish we were together going on trips to see grandma and you aunt Em. I wish you were here so I could kiss your sweet face when we put you to bed. Daddy would play his guitar for your, I am sure you would love it. But our lives didn't head in that direction, and I am still trying to understand why. But know that mommy loves you so much. I love you to the moon and back, my sweet baby girl.

I have tried to write a post for sometime now, and I just can't get my mind to focus. This past month has super busy with school and work. Sometimes I think I am insane for going back to school. I am working on my masters degree in Nursing to be an Adult Nurse Practitioner. I am crazy, I am sure of it. Sometimes I think I keep myself too busy...busy enough not to think about the painful, scary emotions in my head. But, none the less, I am in school and I would really like to finish...2 more years!!! Yikes. So that's mostly where I have been...absorbed by school, and even annoying work classes. So I am sorry about my lack of comments lately on everyone blogs...please know I have been reading, and thinking of all of you! On an other note...baby bean is growing, thriving and doing extremely well! We are officially 9 weeks and 1 day! It's going a bit fast! I feel amazing...so different from my pregnancy with Zoelle....where anything that could go wrong, did...and I felt so ter...

Well, my 2nd beta on Wednesday was 308! Super excited! Who knows...there might just be two lucky charms in there. Everyone seems to think we are having twins...even my very fabulous IVF nurse. Only time will tell. One...two...whatever happens, I am just so excited to be pregnant. We have our first u/s on March 22nd where we will see how many we have and hear the little heart beat/s. Yay!! As of right now I have been feeling wonderful! I am having a bit of nausea here and there, but not too bad. I didn't get sick one time when I was pregnant with Zoe, so we will see. For now, just the normal early pregnancy symptoms and I LOVE IT! I can hardly wait to meet this little bean in 35-36 weeks from now! :-) So the count down begins...17 more days until our first u/s. Unlike my pregnancy test...I can't cheat and head to the office early for this one. What is a girl to do...ha!

So...my level today was 108!!! The nurse said that was a perfect, healthy number...not too high, not too low. Chances are good we have one little charm in there. Which is PERFECT. We won't know for sure until our u/s...but I have been thinking it's one...and a boy. I feel really connected to a little boy, and awhile ago, Zoe came to me in a dream and said we were going to get pregnant with one baby, a little boy, and things were going to be fine. :-) Sweet little baby of mine...comforting her momma even in spirit. It's strange to be pregnant right now...It doesn't feel real quite yet. It does, but it doesn't. I feel really secure about this pregnancy...almost at peace. I feel deep in my heart we are going to bring home a living baby. It's will be strange to be a mother of 2, one in spirit and one here on Earth. I love Zoelle so deeply, and miss her with each breath I take. I wish she was here to share in the joy of this new life. At the same time, the new life ...

So I couldn't resist!!! I tried! Yesterday morning I woke up at 4:30 with the urge! The urge to hopefully break our BFN streak and prove to be pregnant. Well, into the bathroom I went, gingerly tip-toeing across the hardwood, attempting to avoid waking up Tim. I slowing opened the home pregnancy test package, praying that what I have been expecting was true. There I was, starring at the test...waiting for the line to arrive (Where else to go during the wee hours of the morning...I was trying not to wake up Tim, or the pups downstairs!). Then it appeared, like a magic trick right before my very own eyes! The faintest of faint pink line. It was so faint, I thought for sure it wasn't real. I bursted back into the bedroom "Tim...Tim...are yo awake?" In reply "Kate, it's 4:30 in the morning, what the heck are you doing up?" "I just took a pregnancy test, there are TWO LINES!" Tim's first reply was "why are you testing already and why at 4:...