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Creating sacred space

Hello old friend, its been a long time since we have talked. It's been 9 years since the start of this blog. NINE years. Nines year of tears, heartbreak, infertility, love, surprises, 2 rainbows, 2 cats, 2 dogs, 2 houses  and 9 birthdays later for my baby who certainly left too soon. Life truly seems to be flying by. They aren't kidding when they say that huh! I was invited to a facebook group of the original baby loss moms and we are to post our blog. Looking back I wished I would have saved it...some of the information got lost and was overtaken by third party hosting. But...the universe is clearly telling me something, because I have recently been thinking about writing a book about our story and perhaps figuring out a way to help other parents along their own journeys. So dear universe, I hear you....I suppose its time to resurrect this old blog and get back to it. I am planning on starting a website and converting this blog to wordpress and linking it to my site. I will keep ya updated ;-)

Its difficult to go back and read some of those first post. The pain is palpable. I am so proud of who I have become and what I have accomplished over these years. We were young and didn't have a lot of money at the time to be going to through expensive infertility treatments....but we made it work. I felt isolated and alone during the time and yet found solace among friends I met online. Many of which I have never met in person, yet they "got" me. My blog was an outlet for so much pain. I look back and truly have no idea who I made it. People say to grieving parents " you are so strong, I don't know how you are doing it" blah blah....you know the line. We don't know how we do it either. You breathe in, breathe out and take each breath as it comes. I do know along the way I learned how to manage my grief and discovered outlets to navigate stormy waters. I have a million and one words to describe my journey but in those beginning days one for me that remains a core truth is about creating sacred space for your child

 My baby was born, she took her first and last breath in our arms but she was born! It has always been vital to my existence to acknowledge  Zoelles existence. I need to celebrating her and creating scared space for her. Creating sacred space it so important to this process. Looking back I thought the nurses taking pictures where crazy. It felt wrong...taking pictures of my dying child....taking pictures of my baby who was dead. But they are the most sacred memories of her. I am forever grateful for those pictures. Those moments are all I have of her during her time in my arms. I remember lying in bed looking at her pictures, falling asleep with them next to me. It was such a part of my healing.

Having a memorial for her was of my number one priority in those early days. I remember I didn't want to share her pictures, but I did want to share pieces of her. The minister was amazing and let us guide the ceremony...we had her memorial at the universalist church which was a good fit for us as we are not Christians, but I wanted a ceremony to celebrate her. We played songs that reminded us of her, I read a poem, Tim played a song her wrote for her on the guitar. We had a small gathering of my family planned lunch afterwards. It was very special and something I will remember always. I remember my grandma holding me while I cried. I showed her the pictures of Zoelle and we cried together. She told me she knew she was in heaven with my great grandma who has 17 kids of her own, one of which who also died at birth. I took comfort in this idea. Having a ritual for her was important and memories I will always hold close to me.

 Another sacred space I created for her was her scrapbook. Another baby loss mom reached out to me and touched up her picutres...they are beautiful. I used the original pictures I was given from the fellow blogger. I look at her book from time to time and I am so glad I put it together. I also created sacred space in our home. I have a corner for her with her urn and beautiful gifts that I have been given over the years. I have a several butterflies my dear friend Bree made her which sits by her urn. I have a glass hand holding a babies hand that my friend Michelle gave to me. Her candle from the service sits by her picture as well.

My blog as become a sacred space. I remember what an outlet writing was for me. I began to meet other parents who had lost their babies and an entire world opened up to me. Even though I wasn't meeting these woman in person, slowly I felt less alone. I was reading other moms words and we shared this bond. A power tool of my healing was knowing I wasn't alone. I have spent hours on the phone with several of these woman, I have met one in person and have kept in touch over the years. I adore my blogger friends Bree and Courtney. I feel like I couldn't have made it without these ladies. We have created this network of support that was vital to my healing process. It was a place where I didn't feel judged or uncomfortable talking about my baby. I could have an open dialect about difficult times....dealing with people around me getting pregnant, babies being born, difficult comments....all if it. I found my people, my tribe. These woman understood what I was going through.

Support groups are another way to create sacred space. I found this amazing support group through our local children's hospital. We would go around the room telling the story of our children. It was so powerful to tell her story. I mean, most people can't handle it. They can't even comprehend what it would be like and the pain of thinking about it makes them too uncomfortable. So its easiest not to talk about it. But here...once a month I was able to say her name, tell Zoelle's story shed tears and just be in the moment. There is something healing and powerful about sitting with your pain. Not trying to hide it, deny it or push it away...but just sitting there and feeling it. Breathing it in and allowing it to be apart of me.

Sacred space is about bringing comfort and acknowledging your baby. It is such an important part of healing. I am so thankful the ways I was able to create that space for Zoelle. Perhaps it time to start writing again. Helping others who are feeling alone. 

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