Kate's Corner

Sometimes I fear that life never gets easier after the death of child. I fear I will always be broken by this tragedy. I have to remind myself that over the past 19 months I have managed to wake up everyday and continue to live. That is a huge accomplishment in my book. No one teaches you about grief in school...they don't hand out books about dead babies at the ob. We learn to survive on our own. Joining with others who have been down this path and fought this battle. I just hope one day I will feel normal again. What does normal even mean ? I haven't the slightest clue. I wish I knew. I have been having terrible nightmares of this baby dying. I woke up the other morning with this gut wrenching feel that she was gone. All I know is death...my experience is so much different from the majority of mothers out there. I am so envious of their ability to carry their babies full term and delivery a living baby. Why them? Why did their baby live...and not mine? What if it happens agai...

I can hardly believe it! 24 weeks!! I could only dream to get this far with Zoe...I am so thankful. We still have MONTHS to go...BUT....24 weeks seems like a huge milestone and I am thrilled. I love this little bean growing quickly in my belly. :-) We saw the doc yesterday and my cervix measured 3.0! Awesome. The only negative of the appointment was it did shorten to 2.7 after pushing on my belly. No funneling or dilating just a bit shorter. The doctor didn't seemed too worried since it is still in the normal range (lower side of normal, but we will take it!!!). We go back at 26 weeks!!! 26 WEEKS!!!!! 93 days until 37 weeks!! :-) The countdown continues...

It's hard to believe that I am 23 weeks and 3 days with our second daughter. It's a sensation hard to describe...I wish Zoe was here, but at the same time this baby wouldn't be here if she was. I am so thankful we are moving forward, even if it seems like the the days are dragging by. For now..here are some pics Little Miss Mirth 22 weeks and 4 days 22 Weeks!!! 23 weeks!!!

So I am all about doula's! First of all, being that I am with MFM (maternal fetal medicine) docs...the last thing on their mind is a medication free, vaginal delivery. As many of you know, I 110% for it (as long as it is safe for baby Mirth). So, to negate some of the medical vibe we are going to hire a Douala. We have interviewed one already and are interviewing the second today. I am really excited about the lady we are interviewing today. She is certified in Hypobirthing (the birthing class we are taking) and is very familiar with the hospital we will be delivery at. Very exciting stuff. On to other news...tomorrow is the exact date (23.3 weeks) we delivered Zoe. Monday morning I WILL wake up the most pregnant I have ever been. I love both of my girls. I am so excited to meet baby mirth...97 days until 37 weeks!!! Whoot, Whoot!! We see the doc again on Wednesday to check my cervical length. So far I feel really good. I am not having any contractions or pressure. I think my cerv...

Well, I am starting to feel a bit anxious about my cervical length. This week it wasn't as stellar as it has been...I am not jumping for joy about a length of 2.6-2.7cm. Hopefully when we go back next week all will be well! Lengthen cervix, lengthen! I am ready for it to be Wednesday already (my next appointment). I feel like I am walking on eggshells right now. Constantly wondering, is this it . Is this the last time I am going to feel her move. How sad. How sad that my perspective on pregnancy has changed so much this time around. Early on with this pregnancy I thought I would be ready to start the nursery and register pretty early. I am SOOO not ready. I am not for sure when we will be ready. I am just so scared right now. I have found with this pregnancy, it is more an emotional battle then a physical battle. For the most part I feel really good physically. I have had no bleeding (like last time), no cramping or irritable uterus (like last time). BUT...I have PTL looming over ...

Well...I had to see Dr. Unpleasant again this week because the other doc who was supposed to be there left for the day!! First of all, it looks like the kidney "issue" is resolving. Even upon resolution, Dr. Unpleasant made a point to remind us that it is a soft marker for chromosomal defect and the only way to know for sure is an amnio. Really? Are we doing this again? This time around I learned my lesson with her...don't ask questions!!! It sucks I had to come out of this appointment with unanswered questions...but I would rather it be that way then deal with her for longer then necessary. As for the cord insertion...well, little miss is still laying on her placenta so it's really hard to tell. The tech did get one good look and although it appears to be low, it is still completely in the placenta and not the membrane (a good thing!). So onto the not so settling news... my cervix is a bit shorter then last week. Every week up until now it has been measuring 3-3.2cm...

Well, I am 22 weeks today. I am the same gestation today as I was when my membranes ruptured with Zoe. In ten days from now I will be the same gestation with Little Miss Mirth as I was when I delivered our first daughter. She died an hour after birth. I miss you sweet Zoe. I love you to the moon and back.

Well, I am feeling mentally "better" today. Haven't even cried once! :-) I woke up today with a "screw it" attitude about the last doctors appointment. I know this baby is healthy and growing exactly the way she should. I can't let crazy doctors get in my head and make me scared for the health of my child AND preterm labor. So screw it. I am taking charge (well at least for the day) of my feelings and embracing this pregnancy. This is our last child (biological at least) and no sense in being completely scared and lying in bed all day feeling sorry for myself when NOTHING has gone wrong. She is growing strong! Anyway...so we chose a name!!! Yay!! We had it down to 2 names...and it's officially....A SURPRISE!!! Little Miss does have a name...but we are keeping it a secret. Actually one of my LBM's does know her name...but that's it. :-) We shared a few names with people and it seems everyone has an opinion. So...it's a secret! Happy 4th of Jul...

Well, I had my followup visit with the doc on Wednesday. It was awful!! First of all...going to a high risk office can be a bit insane at times. They are scanning the baby and checking my cervix every 2 weeks. Most of the time, all it does is make me a paranoid FREAK! So here are the highlights; I will start with the good news: 1. Amniotic fluid levels are perfect. My AFI (amniotic fluid index) was 12, totally normal. It was 11 in the hospital...so it didn't go down! yay! 2. My cervix is still 3.1 which is where it has been for weeks! Yay!! 3. Baby is growing fantastically!! Yay!! Onto the frustrating parts of the visit: 1. The doc I saw yesterday...well, lets just say I am not a fan of her. She has pushed and pushed genetic testing on us as if something is wrong! Every time I walk into that damned office they ask me about going to see a genetic counselor and having an amnio done. Why? The baby is showing NO signs on chromosomal abnormalities and further...even if she was we would ...