Kate's Corner

I am having a very sad day ( I am sure all of the hormones I am taking aren't helping). Sometimes I can't believe how my life has turned out. Of course I am thankful for Tim, my family and friends...but I am left with something missing...my daughter. It's hard to even believe that I am still not pregnant. Since the day Zoe died, I knew part of my healing would be getting pregnant again. My hope for that is dwindling fast. As we come upon this IVF cycle, I know that we are not planning to transfer for at least 2 more months. I hyper stimulate to the point of danger, and it seems pointless to get pregnant and put my life in danger. So right now, we are looking at least February until a possible transfer. I can't believe that I am coming upon Zoe's year anniversary, and we are no closer to being pregnant then we were months and months ago. I really feel like being pregnant over the holidays would have softened the blow of all of the things going on around me. I am not...

There comes a point when certain people cause pain, even when they haven't a clue...they still manage to inflict pain on my suffering, bleeding heart. So, I am stepping back, deleting people from facebook, and accepting things in my life for face value. And you know what? It's okay. Right now, going to my in-laws is very painful for me. My water ruptured on Christmas when we we visiting my in-laws. It's difficult to go there, to drive there, to breath in the air and not feel as though my heart is bursting into a million pieces. It's amazingly painful not having Zoe here, alive and well. I can't believe she has been gone for almost a year, and we are no closer to being pregnant now then we were 6 months ago. I hate that about myself. I hate that I can't get pregnant...and further more I hate other people for getting pregnant without any problems. I hate that piece of shit women out there do drugs, drink and smoke while they are pregnant. I hate so much about our ...

Tim and I have written an email to the family regarding how difficult Christmas is going to be this year (in response to an email about what we want for Christmas and our plans). Tim also wrote on the family blog that we are having a difficult time with the holidays and will not be celebrating this year. Guess how many people responded? ZERO! People kept writing posts about what gifts they want as if Tim never said a word. I sit her with tears streaming down my face wondering if things will ever be the same? I am deeply hurt. Is it too much to ask for at least a simple acknowledgement that on Christmas last year my water ruptured at 22 weeks and I was on bed rest through new years almost 3 hours away from our home. Only to delivery our daughter on 1-4-09 and watch her slip way? Why are we the bad guys? Why the hell will not one person acknowledge our pain in this family? What does it take?

I am surrounded by friends, family and strangers who are pregnant. I stand alone as the freak non pregnant girl seemingly making those around me uncomfortable. Hell, I didn't even get invited to my SIL baby shower. Really? Are you kidding me? I have NEVER implied that I didn't want to go. Guess what...I am not CONTAGIOUS! You won't catch preterm labor like the swine flu or some nasty virus. My life feels dark and empty right now. I fear I am alone...but sadly I am not. I am friends with grief, suffering, depression and pain. We are old friends and they know me well.