The last couple of weeks we have been busy, busy new home owners. I have discovered being outside planting, gardening, digging watering and doing all of the glorious yard upkeep is tremendously healing for me. It keeps my mind occupied and allows me to get into my head in a safe place. Sometimes me, myself and I don't get along so well when I am doing nothing at all. I go into the sad places of my thoughts and get lost down a painful path. Being in the sun and working toward a garden of beautiful growth and life gives me hope.
This weekend I took Zoe's scrapbook to my parents and showed my grandparents. It was the first time I looked at her album and didn't cry. Not because I didn't miss her or love her...well I guess sometimes it's okay not to cry. Actually yesterday marked the 4th month since she died. I was thinking how fast time fly's now that we are not pregnant. I remember how slowly time passed when I was pregnant...we cherished each hour we could keep her alive while we were in the hospital on bed rest. Heck...I cherished every second with her the entire pregnancy. From the first glimpse of her tiny gestational sac at 6 weeks...I was hooked. ( she quickly became known as jelly bean...even when her size far exceeded jelly bean status! :-)
As the weekend approaches, I am sure to be in sensory overload. The March of Dimes walk is Saturday, we have family coming in Friday, and Sunday is the dreaded mothers day. I am so nervous about the walk...I have yet to be around little beans since our little jellybean has passed. A couple toddlers here and there, but no babies. Several people I know had babies this month as well. It's strange to see pictures of babies that were due a few weeks after Zoe. To be honest, I can't even get on facebook or myspace right now. It just upsets me. I am happy for other peoples babies, but I am heartbroken over our loss. It just isn't healthy for me right now to be looking at all of those pictures and sitting here crying. Once again, I need to stop torturing myself. (seriously!)
Overall though...I am beginning to have intermittent rays of sun shine through my very dark cloud. The garden has such a wonderful healing effect. It reminds me of the happy moments of pregnancy. I have a beautiful baby rose bush that was given to me last year by my dear friend Angie when we found out we were pregnant. It reminds me of my sweet angel and I am thankful for those moments. Most importantly, I have a better understanding of my limits. Right now, it's important for me to surround myself with people who understand my pain, grieving and healing process. I know it's excruciatingly painful to be looking online at all of the preggo gals on facebook or little ones who were born the same time as Zoe. I strongly believe that part of healing is setting limits for ourselves. Not expectations, but guidelines. So, if I know something or someone bothers me, maybe I need to step back. ( I am not for sure if that makes much sense).
Grieving and healing is a lifelong process. All I can ask of myself is to get through this one day at a time.
This weekend I took Zoe's scrapbook to my parents and showed my grandparents. It was the first time I looked at her album and didn't cry. Not because I didn't miss her or love her...well I guess sometimes it's okay not to cry. Actually yesterday marked the 4th month since she died. I was thinking how fast time fly's now that we are not pregnant. I remember how slowly time passed when I was pregnant...we cherished each hour we could keep her alive while we were in the hospital on bed rest. Heck...I cherished every second with her the entire pregnancy. From the first glimpse of her tiny gestational sac at 6 weeks...I was hooked. ( she quickly became known as jelly bean...even when her size far exceeded jelly bean status! :-)
As the weekend approaches, I am sure to be in sensory overload. The March of Dimes walk is Saturday, we have family coming in Friday, and Sunday is the dreaded mothers day. I am so nervous about the walk...I have yet to be around little beans since our little jellybean has passed. A couple toddlers here and there, but no babies. Several people I know had babies this month as well. It's strange to see pictures of babies that were due a few weeks after Zoe. To be honest, I can't even get on facebook or myspace right now. It just upsets me. I am happy for other peoples babies, but I am heartbroken over our loss. It just isn't healthy for me right now to be looking at all of those pictures and sitting here crying. Once again, I need to stop torturing myself. (seriously!)
Overall though...I am beginning to have intermittent rays of sun shine through my very dark cloud. The garden has such a wonderful healing effect. It reminds me of the happy moments of pregnancy. I have a beautiful baby rose bush that was given to me last year by my dear friend Angie when we found out we were pregnant. It reminds me of my sweet angel and I am thankful for those moments. Most importantly, I have a better understanding of my limits. Right now, it's important for me to surround myself with people who understand my pain, grieving and healing process. I know it's excruciatingly painful to be looking online at all of the preggo gals on facebook or little ones who were born the same time as Zoe. I strongly believe that part of healing is setting limits for ourselves. Not expectations, but guidelines. So, if I know something or someone bothers me, maybe I need to step back. ( I am not for sure if that makes much sense).
Grieving and healing is a lifelong process. All I can ask of myself is to get through this one day at a time.
I'm glad the house is keeping you busy and that you are having some sunny days. I am currently dealing with an overload of babies and pregnancies on facebook as well. Good luck this weekend, and I will be thinking about you.
ReplyDeleteWhat a sweet friend to give you a rose bush--I love roses! You'll have to take some pictures of your gardening efforts for us. I love working outside too, or even just taking a long walk with the dogs. So healing. Very good for the soul! Hugs~
ReplyDeleteWe have done tons of gardening and yard work this past week and it was indeed therapeutic. I can't believe this month is four months (for us as well). This year is just flying by and yet we are here with empty arms. I know we will get through this.
ReplyDelete*hugs*