I feel like my life sucks. Here I am and my life simply sucks. The horrible thing is I feel guilty feeling that way. I have a WONDERFUL husband and terrific family and friends. But here I am consumed by the death of my daughter, unable to be relieved from this pain. I feel like going through infertility should exclude me from losing my child at 23 weeks and 3 day. Hell, having a freaking brain tumor should exclude me from infertility all together. I feel guilty again...here I am bitching about my life and so many others have it so worse. I guess I should try to look on the brightside right?. But why? I am so sad...deeply sad.
Lets talk about that. Okay...let me just tell you that sadness really hurts. It hurts my body is ways I didn't think possible. My mind is foggy. My soul is injured. I feel empty and lost. I am consumed by this pain everyday! I ask myself "could I have helped her? Could I have done better? Could I have saved her life? The hardest moment of my life was letting her go. Going through labor and delivering my baby knowing that she was going to die is traumatic. I feel completely robbed! She was robbed, Tim was robbed, I was robbed, my family was robbed. We all were robbed. We watched her die...fade. How does one recovery from this. I know it is possible, I know many have had the same experience we had. Therapy, drugs, time, whatever you want to say works. I just don't know.
Tim and I went to a B &B this weekend. It was really nice getting out of my head for a bit. Even if it was bits and pieces at a time. But while we were there we went to a used book store and I naturally gravitate to bereavement books right now. I read in this book (can't remember the title) but the author ( a mother who lost her child) said "it won't always hurt this bad." Can I tell you, it really hurts and it has only gotten worse. Zoe died 2 weeks ago today and I feel worse now. I felt relieved knowing that others have felt this pain, and although it hurts like hell it will fade. Like a faint scar it too will fade.
Zoe...I miss you. I miss you in my belly, twisting, turning and flipping. I miss knowing you are there and seeing my belly grow. I miss planning for you. I miss the dreams we had for you. I am sorry you are gone. I am so sorry.
Lets talk about that. Okay...let me just tell you that sadness really hurts. It hurts my body is ways I didn't think possible. My mind is foggy. My soul is injured. I feel empty and lost. I am consumed by this pain everyday! I ask myself "could I have helped her? Could I have done better? Could I have saved her life? The hardest moment of my life was letting her go. Going through labor and delivering my baby knowing that she was going to die is traumatic. I feel completely robbed! She was robbed, Tim was robbed, I was robbed, my family was robbed. We all were robbed. We watched her die...fade. How does one recovery from this. I know it is possible, I know many have had the same experience we had. Therapy, drugs, time, whatever you want to say works. I just don't know.
Tim and I went to a B &B this weekend. It was really nice getting out of my head for a bit. Even if it was bits and pieces at a time. But while we were there we went to a used book store and I naturally gravitate to bereavement books right now. I read in this book (can't remember the title) but the author ( a mother who lost her child) said "it won't always hurt this bad." Can I tell you, it really hurts and it has only gotten worse. Zoe died 2 weeks ago today and I feel worse now. I felt relieved knowing that others have felt this pain, and although it hurts like hell it will fade. Like a faint scar it too will fade.
Zoe...I miss you. I miss you in my belly, twisting, turning and flipping. I miss knowing you are there and seeing my belly grow. I miss planning for you. I miss the dreams we had for you. I am sorry you are gone. I am so sorry.
This was a really good idea, Kate. I know you will get through this and I know writing will help you. And no more feeling guilty about feeling sad or mad or grief-stricken or bitter. You are completely justified and nobody worth keeping in your life will judge you for that. Guilt is toxic. Grief is normal. I'm so sorry you guys have to go through this, but I am here to help in whatever small way I can from out here. XO Cristina
ReplyDeleteHi Kate. I wish I had words that would make you feel an ounce better, even for a second. I have to agree with your friend Cristina, I think writing has to help in a time like this. Instead of all these thoughts spinning in your head all the time you can pour them out and maybe find some peace in that, even if only for a moment. I think of you every day. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteAndrea