Kate's Corner

I feel so tired today. I haven't slept well since I went to the hospital on Christmas night. I feel a bit annoyed today as well, so I think I am going to write of list of the things not to say to someone who lost their child. I am sure this list will continue to grow. 1. It was God's plan - are you kidding me! Do you think for one minute that I give a damned that is was god's plan to take my child. It wasn't my plan! 2. It was for the best - again...seriously???? I feel like saying..."you do not even know my situation, how can you determine that it was for the best?" 3. You can try again - I LOVE this one! Yeah, people who go through infertility treatment definitely love this one. It was hard enough to get pregnant with her...we had no intentions of "trying again." 4. She is in a better place - Wow...thanks for that brilliant insight. I am pretty sure, being in my arms, in my care is a damned good place. I just don't buy that bs. Actually, I tho...

So I think I am in bereavement overload! Yesterday I saw the counselor for the first time. I guess if anything it was reassuring to know that what I am experiencing is normal. The concept of sitting on a couch and rehashing your terrible story is still a bit foriegn to be, but I have been told it does help. I really like her though...she seemed deeply sorry by my situation. It's funny, she asked what I do for fun right now? Hmm...good question. I guess why current outlets are writing here, planning for the march for babies and playing chess with Tim. Nothing too exciting really, but they keep my mind occupied. I am going back next week, Monday. Zoe's memorial service is on Saturday and I go back to work Tuesday. I think it will be helpful to see her again. Tim and I also went to a support group for parents who lost there babies- precious parents. It was really difficult to hear so many sad stories. There were several new people, and most of us lost our children around the holid...

I feel like my life sucks. Here I am and my life simply sucks. The horrible thing is I feel guilty feeling that way. I have a WONDERFUL husband and terrific family and friends. But here I am consumed by the death of my daughter, unable to be relieved from this pain. I feel like going through infertility should exclude me from losing my child at 23 weeks and 3 day. Hell, having a freaking brain tumor should exclude me from infertility all together. I feel guilty again...here I am bitching about my life and so many others have it so worse. I guess I should try to look on the brightside right?. But why? I am so sad...deeply sad. Lets talk about that. Okay...let me just tell you that sadness really hurts. It hurts my body is ways I didn't think possible. My mind is foggy. My soul is injured. I feel empty and lost. I am consumed by this pain everyday! I ask myself "could I have helped her? Could I have done better? Could I have saved her life? The hardest moment of my life was l...